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My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision
So a little history. My wife sister died of Breast cancer 25 years ago. It was a second occurrence for her. Now my wife was diagnosed 2 weeks ago. Single tumor 3.5 cm stage 1. Genetically negative. No other signs of any spread. Doctor said we caught it early and suggested a lumpectomy. Fast forward 2 weeks, countless doctor appointments and mountains of information. She has decided to go full tilt and do a double mastectomy. So 4 doctors and her husband suggest a conservative approach. All the research seems to put lumpectomy ver mastectomy on a level playing field and she is hitting it with everything.
Here is my dilemma , I don’t agree with her decision. I get she is scared and tired of 25 years of worry. I understand she just wants to get to the finish line. I just think she is making a rash decision and not looking at it objectively. And I get she is not really in a state of mind to make a clearheaded decision. I feel that is where I come in. I’m the stats guy. I’m the one who can look at things from a few feet back. My job is to be the rock through this. The support when her knees give out. Every time I try to talk to her, the claws come out and she goes into a full frontal assault accusing me of not respecting her body and her decision. That is not what I am trying to do. All I’m saying is a lumpectomy can become a mastectomy, but a mastectomy can never become a lumpectomy. It is a one way street. If two years from now she gets off the emotional roller coaster she can be making a life changing decision. She will never grow them back. She will lose nipple sensation forever. Without nipple sensation she will most likely never have another organism. She is giving up everything because right now she is afraid of the future.
Sorry to have rambled on but I just don’t know how to support something that I think is a fundamentally rash and wrong decision. Anyone insight is very appreciated.
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So it is 11pm and I’m tired but resisting going to bed. Nancy is being so much stronger than I am. I know time is ticking by anyway but I don’t want to go to bed just the same. Once I do the weekend ends and it will be Monday morning and a very tough week ahead. I’m panicking and so scared of this week. She seems so calm playing a game on her phone. This is such a role reversal for us. Normally she is the emotional one and I trying to calm her down.
I know I’m not asking anyone a question here, like most of the discussions. It just makes me feel better to vent this out to you all so Nancy thinks I’m still the big tough man that’s supporting her.
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1 ReactionSo glad you had that time away - so important to do whatever works to relax. I’ve been dealing with a BC recurrence, Mets to bones and liver, for 2 years now and hope to make it 3 or more! Side effects of treatment are no fun (fatigue, difficulty walking and doing normal stuff - can’t bend over, peeling hands & feet) but you know what? It’s OK! Still able to enjoy family and friends and 1 year old granddaughter, magical natural world moments, and we’re going to Cabo in a couple of weeks! Just wanted you to know that it can be a long and difficult experience, but still, life can be good. And everyone can be just who they are - supporting each other in the best ways that you can. Best wishes to you both.
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2 Reactionssupposed to start radiation but just needed rest so for 3 days turned off phone ringer andjust relaxed, slept, some tv, and then felt ready to go out to store. recurrence to armpit nodes. Still resting!!! No stress. Tomorrow on Valentine's day I will get hair cut and buy flowers ! been cutting my own hair since Covid!! so a treat for !myself!
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1 Reaction@gpigford just fyi a positive node(s) doesn't necessarily mean chemo or even major life changes. Doctors tend to use the Oncotype test to determine treatment, if ER+ and HER2-.
Nancy is in the OR now. I’m in a waiting room spinning in circles. I have no idea how anyone could handle this before cell phones and the internet. I spent the 1st hour just sitting in the hospital chapel crying . I know today will go though without a hitch and they won’t know much till pathology comes back but that is little comfort. Typically I am so calm during these things but right now I am many things, calm is not one of them.
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3 ReactionsMain surgeon just called. Said Nancy is doing good. Her part is done. The girls and hopefully all the cancer is gone. Now plastics is at work. She said it should be about another hour.
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3 Reactions@gpigford many of us had mastectomies without many problems. You will know a lot more from pathology, and hope an Oncotype is done.
This is not a death sentence. Try to get your emotions out and get to a more matter of fact place. We get info, a treatment plan, and get it done. Chances are, things will be fine. I learned the term "catastrophizing:" don't do it 🙂
I am helping someone close to me with their oncology appointment today. It has been a weeks long process of trying to help without violating her autonomy. I can really sympathize. As I have had to do: remember this is your wife's cancer. It is hard on spouses, I know.
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1 Reaction@gpigford, how are you both doing? I hope you both get some sleep.
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1 ReactionYeah, we are doing good. She is getting lots of drug induced sleep. Me, I haven’t gotten more than 5 hours in a night this month. They let me stay in her room with her in one of those uncomfortable recliner chairs. LOL, so I don’t think I’ll be getting much tonight either.
Otherwise, we are probably right where we are supposed to be. She seems to be at peace. Me, I’m still swing up and down. So much of something. I just don’t really understand what “something” is. I’ve always been an analytical thinker and this has been new territory for me. I hate that everyone (this site and home) thinks I was trying to make the decision for her. I was just trying to get answers to very confusing questions and emotions.
Even she thought it, which kills me that she thought I would try to influence her or put her health at risk like that. It has been a very lonely place to be. Maybe now that it is done we can start repairing the emotional trauma that it has caused. We’ll see what the future holds.
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1 ReactionI agree with you @windyshores this is certainly not the end of the story. The next couple weeks will be spent healing and drawing battle plans.
I disagree with the last statement, this is “our” cancer. It is just in her body. The definition of autonomy is about a person's ability to act on his or her own best values and interests. If I followed that rule I would have spent the night in a bar rather than sleeping in a hospital room with her.