My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision

Thank you for what you do and providing this space. It must be mentally exhausting working with people like us everyday. Thank you for not kicking me out of this forum, I know I am not the typical participant. I’m not female or sick and I am sure some view me as an outsider that doesn’t belong. I thought about joining the caregivers support group but it doesn’t get the same attention and I have noticed it can be days between people’s postings. I get more out of this one. Caregivers is also more than Breast Cancer so many of the posting just don’t apply. Here, I gain some insight to what Nancy is going through. @)))--)---)--- (a flower for you for helping us navigate very tough times )

I’ve been opening up these past weeks about bad days, today I want to post a good day. If you have issues with religion you might want to skip this post.
So this past Friday Nancy went out with a couple friends. I told her to make sure she drank enough that I had to pick her up. That’s big for us, we are not drinkers. I just wanted her to let her hair down and relax with friends. I called my son to see if he wanted to go out to dinner. He already had plans, which was okay it was only a couple hours notice. I than called a friend and it was the same story. Normally no big deal but we all know what happened last time I was alone for several hours. A bit of fear set in. I then decide to go to church. Turns out it was confessional. There were a few people there and while I am a practicing Catholic I do not tend to go to confession. I know the theory but not really the process.
An angel appeared in the form of a small over-weight man who quickly realized I was in turmoil. He took me aside and walked me through the process. I sat in next to the priest crying my eyes out while opening up. I felt some weight lifted. Not all, but some. Afterwards I spent about an hour in the pews with God sitting next to me in thought. Emotions were high but settling down. I realize Nancy never meant to hurt me (actually I already knew that). She was more afraid and confused than I was. While I am still upset over how the whole mess played out, I found the strength to forgive her and myself for the way went down those days.
Saturday morning I was up at 4:30 am. Haven’t been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night since this whole craziness started. I wanted to talk to her but she was sleeping soundly. I was worried I would mess things up when I spoke with her about it all so I wrote it down. Saturday afternoon we had a couple hours to ourselves. We both took a long, much needed 2 hour nap. It was great, so rejuvenating for both of us. We brewed an afternoon coffee and I started, explained that I wanted to talk, and I wanted her to just listen. She didn’t need to respond or remark, just listen.
I told her I was sorry that I made her feel that deceiving me on Tuesday was her only/best option. I was sorry that my actions made her think I would not support her in whatever decision she made. I was sorry that come Thursday, she was still feeling the need to defend that decision when I was in a dark place and reaching for help understanding things. We will never agree that choosing to keep me in the dark was the best way to handle the situation but at lease it is behind us now. The future is still very confusing and scary for us. But we can move forward with the many challenges to come, together standing side by side. Saturday night we Netflexed a really bad movie and laughed about it.
I do want to thank everyone for letting me vent here and replying back. Some have been a little hurtful but all have been helpful.

We never know where we will find grace when we are in turmoil. I am so happy to hear that you and your wife are now communicating.
Cherish the closeness and try to hold on to it as you go forward through the coming days.
Sue
Ps My "angel" growing up was a priest my husband often described as his "favorite Irish leprechaun"

Hold onto the good days. Remember it takes bad days to appreciate the good one. Can't have one without the other.

@gpigford

I have spent much of my valuable time here on this site in hope of helping you. I have Not Seen Any Reaction to any post from you and I dug deep. All I saw was you recognizing/thanking 1 person for 1 paragraph. Very many of us have given freely from our hearts. I was SHOCKED to not see even 1 like 1 helpful, or 1 hug from you on any posts. WTHeck. If I'm wrong I sincerely apologize. If I'm correct Shame on you. BIG TIME.

Hi all,
A reminder of the community guidelines https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/

Here are excerpts that I'd like you to take note of. I encourage everyone to read the complete 12 short rules of conduct that help keep the Mayo Clinic Connect community safe, supportive, inclusive, and respectful.

1. Be careful about giving out medical advice
- Sharing your own experience is fine, but don't tell other members what they should do.

Medical tips or information may be removed if a member:
- Makes a medical statement that cannot be verified clearly as coming from their own personal experience
- States information as fact or makes a claim that is not properly referenced

2. Remain respectful at all times.
- Exercise tolerance and respect toward other participants whose views may differ from your own.
- Disagreements are fine, but mutual respect is a must.
- Be inclusive. Not everyone shares the same religious or political beliefs. Don't impose your beliefs on others.
- Personal attacks against members or health care providers are not acceptable. Such posts will be removed.

@bcwarrior ,
I understand where you are coming from. I’m sorry you see it that way. It is a problem with online forums. Straight text lacks all emotion and can easily be taken out of context, but here it goes.

I love my wife more than I love anyone in this world. We live a typical family, me, wife, three kids, and three beagles. Middle class all the way. We are fairly religious, not over the top but go to church every Sunday. In all that time I had one simple request and only one prayer. God keeps my family, safe, healthy, and close. I would do all the rest. I never prayed for a boat or money or anything. I would work, save and handle everything else. He kept his side of the bargain until now. In a matter of 1 month I questioned my faith and feared for my wife. I cannot imagine growing old without her by my side. Over the years I have socked away money so when I passed away she would be covered. I’ve never saw it going any other way. All of a sudden the roles may be changing and I am not at all prepared for that.

Have you ever wondered why I joined a breast cancer support group and not a caretaker’s one. That is because I want her point of view. I can’t get that from other caretakers, only others who are going through what she is going through. I know she is scared and I know she resist talking to me because she looking out for me. She tries to shield me as much as I shield her. I am so stressed and total loss of sleep. When I write a post it tends to be when I am up half the night crying. I try to hide it (poorly) from her, she reads me like a book. I also know I am kind of in unfriendly waters. A healthy man in a group of sick women (sick probability not the best word but I couldn’t come up with a better one). I knew my presence would ruffle some feathers and I would take some punches but that okay I it helps me understand Nancy better. And hopefully a few of you have had some stress relief punching me, that’s good too. I can take it.

I have never gone through anything like this and I don’t want to mess it up. If you read my post, their goal is to learn. Even the first one that got everyone riled up. I was never going to push her into doing anything she didn’t want. I just wanted to make sure all the data was in front of her so she could make an informed decision. A good decision today stands the test of time and will be a good decision in three years. I didn’t want her to wake up one day and wish she took a different path. I told her in the very beginning, there are no good choices here just less bad ones. She had to decide between looking in a mirror and seeing scars or grabbing her boobs everyday worrying. Which would she prefer? Now if it was me, I would have taken the more conservative approach and went with a lumpectomy. It is a one way street and lumpectomy can always become a mastectomy but a mastectomy can never become a lumpectomy. But that’s me, not her. She had to make that call. Though I was crushed when she never talked to me about it and didn’t tell me advance of telling the surgeon. And I know you are very “My body, My choice” and in truth I agree with you, but I am sorry that was wrong of her. Thirty years of marriage she should have talked to me and I should have never been blindsided like that. It is the curse of loving someone so much; they are the ones who can hurt you the most.

Now I will admit some of my post have been when I was hurting and angry. Not my best moments, at those times, you guys became my screaming pillow. I get it, she is going through far more worry and fear then I am, but like it or not, better or worse, this is a team event. I was never letting her go through this journey alone. By doing it as a team we will all come out stronger.

If you read all my post you hopefully see where I was sending love to others. For example @colleenyoung I thanked her for all the work she does helping sad people like myself. Also look at the run called “today is day one”. I told her this was a great forum and reminder her that she was not alone. I even gave her a rose.
As far as your question about the like/helpful/hug thing. Well that just seems like a Facebook thing to me. Just not really my mojo.

I do thank you for the time you have spent writing to me. It has all been helpful with processing a crazy time, even when you have been, let’s say a little mean. For all that, a rose for you @)))--}--}—

A little long, sorry, oh and for those of you who said I need professional help, I have an appt Wednesday. And yes, a team effort, Nancy will be by my side.

@gpigford I and many others on here are not "sick." It has been 8 years since my diagnosis. I hope you can understand that your wife may be fine. She will have testing after surgery that gives risk level for recurrence, and will have a treatment plan. I think it will help her if you can see the situation with a little more hope and positivity. I am glad you are going to be able to talk to someone so you can return to your wife feeling supported.

agreed, "sick" was not the best word. I even put that there, I just could not have come up with a better one that would work. What would you have used?

Perhaps now that you have found some relief with prayer. Maybe it's time to just genuinely say to your wife. "No matter what treatment you decide on I will support you 100%" and put your trust in God, and let it go.

Maybe it's time to plan a celebration for when her treatment whatever it may be is over. A trip you have always wanted to take or remodeling the house, renewing your wedding vows, whatever floats your boat and think beyond the cancer.

Just my dime store advice as I deal with all of this too, but maybe it's easier for me since I am flying this flight path solo. Already planning my celebrations 🙂