My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision

She may still avoid chemo. Fingers crossed. If she does need chemo, it is doable. Many of us do not have major issues with hormonal meds, and she will definitely be prescribed those. Keep us posted!

I have recently found out my wife of 30 years may have BC . No family history. Precious little caregiver support for husbands facing this along with their spouses.
So as to not appear unsympathetic to others in the comments I offer my personal email to you for communication.

This is very early for my wife and myself in this process so I’m going through anticipation of problems and losses that are not yet realized. I’m a bit of a worrier and someone who looks at all possibilities ahead of time.
I feel that I can be supportive of my wife through whatever comes. But I know how these things have gone for other men ( I work In Healthcare ) and see that
men are largely ignored in these matters. So I am offering a more private mutual support.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I pray it turns out to the good.

Welcome @jepthah ,
You have come to the right place to find information and seek support. My mother had breast cancer, lumpectomy and chemo/radiation. It was a tough journey but she conquered the cancer thanks to grace and all the marvelous medical treatments available. If you don't mind, I would like to introduce you to @auntieoakley who has personal experience and insights on this.
It's easy to anticipate the worst possible outcomes, and my two cents, for what it's worth, is let yourself think about it, but don't stay there long. A positive attitude will help you help yourself and your wife. She needs all the support she can get, and in my experience going thru this with my mom and dad...our hospital oncology department had group support meetings for the patient and the caregiver. You stated you work in healthcare. Do you know if this is available in your hospital? Do you or your wife have mutual friends or family that have gone thru breast cancer that you can talk to? Feel free to look around this site on the Breast Cancer support group. There are other men that have posted your same concerns.

@jepthah, you'll notice that I removed your personal phone number. Connect is a public forum. We recommend sharing personal contact information using the secure private message function. I might also add that by sharing here in the forum, you are connecting with several people where all can benefit from group support.

As you and your wife prepare for the journey ahead, feel free to ask questions. Does your wife have a treatment plan yet? Do you know the type of breast cancer?

Of coarse by now this is all past. The procedure is complete. In about two years please revisit the topic of decisions made at this stage with your wife and let her tell us if she would have done anything different.
It is good that you have been so supportive. Notice how few men are here. It isn’t because so few are being supportive of their spouses during this difficult time. It is because they can see how little sympathy exists for their own emotional journey as a caregiver.
Few people can relate to the real and perceived losses . The anticipatory grieving. The concern about the toll on a marriage that Men face in times like these.
At present with my wife and myself it is not yet time to talk about the options she may or may not have with her biopsy still pending. But both of us are anticipating loss. And both of us are hoping for something better than mere loss prevention.

Thanks

Welcome @jepthah please try not to judge this site on this conversation alone. I was so bewildered with the way this conversation went and continued that I kind of abandoned it.
Of course the husband feels loss, loss of life plans, loss of a sense of health and well being. Even a loss financial security can be a big part of cancer.
I understand that there can be high emotions involved in being the caregiver and the patient, I am both.
Being the caregiver is harder in my case. Being the patient was physically the hardest thing I have ever done. Caring for him in an ICU that was expected to end badly was the worst 15 days of my life,
I give those extreme situations because it preludes hope. There is always hope, no matter what diagnosis you are given. I am still looking to my next ride, and my husband still requires my daily help with many things, but still enjoys a good laugh with me in the evenings.
Does your wife have a pathology report yet from her initial biopsies?

I find this whole topic very haunting. When I was 41 my first husband died. Caretaking him was extremely difficult, and there was not a lot of honesty or openness on this topic. We were just in crisis--economically, emotionally, and more. Now I'm almost 70 and have breast cancer with a poor prognosis. I don't want my current husband to suffer as I did when I was widowed, from lack of connection and communication. But some close friends think I'm overdoing it. Right now I'm doing a standard treatment I have little faith in in large part because my husband wants me too. It isn't too arduous, but I find it very depressing. Have I gone too far in the other direction? I did agree to this treatment--and common sense tells me it is ok. And I've made it clear that I'll quit if I want to. Still, I find myself very divided. Thoughts?

I can relate to your situation and I am sorry that is true.😔 I am not sure I understand your statements, may I clarify?
You said you don’t want your husband to suffer as you did from lack of connection and communication, but some friends think you are overdoing it. Can you tell me what it is they think you are overdoing?
I am truly not being snarky, just trying to understand . If your treatment isn’t arduous, and it brings you more time with a husband you obviously care very much for, why would you be depressed about that?
May I ask what treatment you are taking?

It is 16 radiation treatments, aimed predominantly at cancer in a lymph node that for unclear reasons the surgeon failed to remove during lumpectomy. Because the oncologist has been clear that only chemo can extend life expectancy--not surgery etc.--and I'm not doing chemo due to kidney disease and personal preference--she regards these other treatments as "palliative." However, radiation oncologist does not agree! And I'm not sure. My husband understandably wants me to treat as much as possible. He was pro-chemo, but supported my choice. I'm iffy about the radiation, and he is pro. So I'm partially "doing it for him" but then feel depressed because I am not convinced it will do anything and the medical setting can be upsetting. I'm also disabled, and the position is agonizing, although I'm working on that in PT. My friends are of the "your body your choice" and not totally approving. When I feel anxious about the radiation, they tell me to quit, as it isn't a total priority for me. But writing you now--and I appreciate your clarification questions--I realize that even if I AM doing this for my husband it may be worthwhile and so far no bad side effects. Thank you!