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My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision
So a little history. My wife sister died of Breast cancer 25 years ago. It was a second occurrence for her. Now my wife was diagnosed 2 weeks ago. Single tumor 3.5 cm stage 1. Genetically negative. No other signs of any spread. Doctor said we caught it early and suggested a lumpectomy. Fast forward 2 weeks, countless doctor appointments and mountains of information. She has decided to go full tilt and do a double mastectomy. So 4 doctors and her husband suggest a conservative approach. All the research seems to put lumpectomy ver mastectomy on a level playing field and she is hitting it with everything.
Here is my dilemma , I don’t agree with her decision. I get she is scared and tired of 25 years of worry. I understand she just wants to get to the finish line. I just think she is making a rash decision and not looking at it objectively. And I get she is not really in a state of mind to make a clearheaded decision. I feel that is where I come in. I’m the stats guy. I’m the one who can look at things from a few feet back. My job is to be the rock through this. The support when her knees give out. Every time I try to talk to her, the claws come out and she goes into a full frontal assault accusing me of not respecting her body and her decision. That is not what I am trying to do. All I’m saying is a lumpectomy can become a mastectomy, but a mastectomy can never become a lumpectomy. It is a one way street. If two years from now she gets off the emotional roller coaster she can be making a life changing decision. She will never grow them back. She will lose nipple sensation forever. Without nipple sensation she will most likely never have another organism. She is giving up everything because right now she is afraid of the future.
Sorry to have rambled on but I just don’t know how to support something that I think is a fundamentally rash and wrong decision. Anyone insight is very appreciated.
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Hope pathology is good news and most of all the Oncotype, since that is what docs go by these days (if she can have one).
I am thinking my personal reaction to your posts is that you are treating breast cancer as a catastrophe while I do everything I can not to. I hope you can understand that.
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1 ReactionYour post confuses me, about a bar or hospital room. I get why you came here, you seem to want a place to vent, gather information, etc.
Seem like at this point that you could use some self care so that you can better care for your wife both emotionally and physically.
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4 ReactionsGlad Nancy is out of surgery and resting. Hoping her pathology offers good news and a clear path forward.
Wishing you both, individually and collectively, a recovery, a healing and a path of health and a healthy relationship going forward. Blessings on the path 🌸
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3 ReactionsI heard the term “ autonomy” a lot on this site and in person. It seems like such a lonely term. It is all about what is best for one persons self interest. Now with that said, I know she is the queen and her health, mentally and physically are number one. I would never put my wants above hers. But there are a lot more to all this. It affects everyone in this household and they matters too.
The bar notion was if everyone only worried about themselves, I would not have spent all those hours in a hospital room. I would have spent them drinking in a bar and not worrying about her. She needed me there and that’s where I was going to be. Hopefully that clears that up.
As far as self care, yes i do. But right now, I need to put that on hold. In a few weeks, yes, but right now coffee and this website is all I get.
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2 Reactions@gpigford I am not sure you understand the concept of "autonomy."
When I had my mastectomies, I told my daughter to go home. I would have been happy if she did something fun. That has nothing to do with her autonomy and more about mine 🙂
I just hope you take care of yourself. It sounds like things for you are hard. Remember, again, this is not a death sentence. Your wife is not leaving you as you were imagining!
I just came across your post.I had skin sparing mastectomy on 4th Jan and my husband was very supportive through out.I had my moments,the thought of losing my nipple was heartbreaking.I still can't have a look at my breast and the thought bring tears to my eyes.At such situation my husband jumps in and consoles me that I am almost cancer free as my Oncotype score also came good and recurrence chance is very low.Your post has been really helpful for a cancer patient like me as I was feeling low.Many of the comments very really a morale booster.It's great that Nancy's surgery went well.What kind of mastectomy she had?Nipple sparing,skin sparing or full mastectomy?I hope her lymph nodes come out negative and also Oncotype score comes low.
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2 ReactionsDouble mastectomy with nipple sparing reconstruction.
So happy that things are looking up for you. Hopefully we will follow a similar path. This has been the craziest ride I have been on. So many ups and downs. Can’t wait till the park closes and they kick us out.
Do me a favor, hug you husband and tell him thank you. Everyone seems to forget us and dismiss the impact breast cancer has on us too.
My wife came home from the hospital to this box. For the next 30 days She will get small present, a get well card, inspirational quote and a corny joke.
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1 ReactionBy the way, 1st gift (they are randomly selected.
PJ’s ( button down of course)
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1 ReactionWelcome home Nancy💕.She is looking beautiful ❤️.What a beautiful gesture this is,love it.I hope she likes each and everyone of them.Wishing her a speedy recovery.She is lucky that she got nipple sparing Mastectomy.I pray I get used to my nipple less breast soon.Its tough!!!!I have already hugged and thanked my husband don't remember how many times🤭. Whenever a test reports come in our favour ,we celebrate.I want to speak my heart out.The Oncotype test isn't covered by any insurance in my country and paying for it would be a big blow to our savings.You can say it was almost all we had left after the investments etc.I was ready to go for chemo just to save the money🤷.But my husband said it was the stupidest thing I am thinking😆. Nothing is more than health and what a man saves for , for situations like these.Still I feel I owe this to him
@rida Exact Sciences bought Genomic Health, the maker of the Oncotype. They might have a financial assistance program. Call the company if the cost is a burden.