My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision

I think I can answer your questions (for both of you). 65 years ago(yes that is correct, not an error) I was faced with your decision. The difference was my husband saw the situation different than you. I was 36 when I found a small lump in my left breast near the Axilla. I saw a doctor the very next day, and he felt it was probably nothing, but that I should see a surgeon just in case. I did see the surgeon, and he also thought it was nothing, but felt the same. At that time biopsies were done during surgery, no needle biopsies. I was told if the biopsy came back positive, the breast would be removed right then. If the biopsy was negative, I would be returned to my room, no worse off. Well you guessed it. It was positive, and not only did I have a Mastectory, I had a RADICAL MASTECTOMY and the removal of 14 lymph glands. Two years later I had the other breast removed because I continued to develope lumps (they were negative), but enough was enough. I did not have chemo because there was none at that time, and Radiation was given only if there were positive lymph nodes. Reconstruction was not possible due to the Radical. There is not enough tissue or skin to be able to reconstruct. Needless to say, There was no beauty in that chest. I did not want my husband to see what a tradegy this was, and tried to hide it from him. He stood me in front of him, and looking directly at me he said I did not marry you for your breasts, I married you because I loved you. The removal of your breasts, did not stop
me from loving you. He kissed me, and I cried for a very long time. It is difficult for you to understand, your wife is looking at the possibility of loosing her life. You are looking at the possibility of her loosing her beauty. Two very different possibilities. Breast Cancer is a tough one. There are no guarantees, no matter the choices. If you are the one with the disease, you look for REMOVING ALL OF IT NOW, not some time later. I am not taking sides in your decision, I only hope I can help you see why there is such a difference in your decisions. PS Don't believe what you have been told about your wife's nipples.

I understand now, it is a tough decision for any of us to make these decisions, especially because we have to rely on others (medical professionals) for all the information we are weighing. I can only imagine how much harder it is when the doctors do not agree.
All in all I respect your decision to have the radiation. Like you say it isn’t too arduous and at best it might stop your cancer and at worst it might prevent pain and buy you time. Seems like a decent bargain.
How many treatments do you have left?

Survey "Do I look?"

I would like to do a survey from the women on here.

History: Nancy's double mastectomy has taken an unplanned path. The right side is doing great while the left side has had several setbacks. The end result is the right side is proceeding as planned the left side no longer has its expander and will have to wait till next year for reconstruction. She will proceed with radiation on the left side. After it is done and all healed up they will come back and do reconstruction to the left side. She has become very conscientious how it looks. We have been married 30 years and I am not going anywhere. Her appearance bothers her more than it does me. She now hides it from me. I've told her she didn't have to but she does anyway.

Survey question: Do I avoid looking at her chest and let her continue hiding her scars, hills, and valleys from me? Or should push her to not hide it from me knowing I love her for who she is? I am favoring not hiding it because I don't like her thinking that it makes a difference to me.

Jerry

This is NOT about sex or sexuality. This is about a choice she feels strongly about regarding a disease that doesn’t give a second of consideration to that. I’m sorry but this is her decision. Worrying about sexuality is coming from a self centered place. Be there for her now….

no its not. Its about her being comfortable getting dressed in the morning in front of me instead of getting up half an hour early so she can do it in the dark. Its not about the disease but self image and self confidence front of her husband. Im asking because I want her to know that she doesn't have to hide from me.

Jerry, @gpigford, I'm sorry to hear that your wife's care plan has had some setbacks and that she is facing complications. That must be so disheartening for both of you. At this time she needs your continued support as you are giving her and to follow her lead.

You're asking the right questions. But you should ask your wife these questions and not put out a "survey" to the community. Every person is different.

The answers you may receive here are not going to give you the benefit of the caring and compassionate conversation you can have with your wife. Let her know that her body changes do not change your love for her. AND respect her decision if she chooses to dress in the dark. She (and you) need to time to adjust to all the changes and to evolve as healing and acceptance continues.

Follow her lead.

Thank you. Great advice! Sounds like we need to go out for diner tonight.

She is still healing. Maybe she will feel better after things are healed. You did not want mastectomies originally so you can express gratitude that she took this route for her health.

I went "flat" without any reconstruction. I felt self-conscious the first summer in t-shirts but it went away. Just give it time. Dinner sounds good.

I agree with @colleenyoung in following your wife’s lead. I came out of this breast cancer with a deformed chest from some funky scar tissue and large lumpectomy. At first I would hide because I was very self conscious. After a while I quit hiding, this happened as I became more comfortable with the changes myself. My husband never pushed me once, he said when I was ready it would all be fine. He was right.
Talk to your wife, let her know she can do this in her own way and her own time, and I bet things will work out fine.

@gpigford You know, it really doesn’t matter what we think; it only matters what your wife thinks. She has gone through a very difficult medical procedure and it’s expected to last several more months. Let her take the lead. What you can do, though, is to buy her some new summer shirts (with sleeves, please). New clothes are always a booster.See if there are any mastectomy counselors in your area. The surgeons office may have names. These consultants can help your wife with prothsetic bras so she will feel comfortable going. Here is an example of what a post-mastectomy consultant can do to help your wife. I don’t know where you live, but I think if you call them, they will be able to help you with locations.
https://www.carehomemedical.com/post-mastectomy-consultation
Can you call them on Monday and then let me know what you learn?