Coping with loss of DH (dear husband) and trauma of caregiving years

Hello: First, my condolences that you are going through this pain and trauma. 🫂
This Mayo group has a virtual caregivers group that meets online weekly. Perhaps they also have a grief group you can join? Good luck and all the best to you.

@judimahoney Please tell me more about the virtual care group. I am not aware of it.

@ret2tus
Hello: I receive daily emails from the Mayo Clinic Blog group. When they show up, the page lists links for anyone who has posted in the groups I follow, like the Caregiver: Dementia group. If I scroll past those posts headings, lower on the page it groups 'Events' and there are links to go to your choice of event, once you make your selection, it describes the Virtual Caregivers Support group and includes an email address for the moderator, who will send you a link to join the weekly meeting.
There are typically fewer than a dozen of us that join, it lasts for an hour and everyone takes turns sharing what has been going on for them. When someone is struggling with an issue, folks chime in to offer support and sometimes advice if they've had a shared experience and something is or isn't working for them in the situation.
I did not notice a Grief group in the events list.
Take care.
Judi

@jehjeh, I expanded the title of your discussion to reflect your need. I understand the nuance of the need for support, not only for loss, but also to consider the toll, trauma, shift - and so many other aspects - of long-time caregiving.

I think other fulltime, long-term caregivers here like @IndianaScott @waltrichard @norram @cindy2024today @randywhite @centre will understand that void one experiences when caregiving ends and the need to untangle the emotions and years when your actions were not dictated by you, but your role as a caregiver.

@anncgrl started a similar discussion when her husband passed. You may appreciate reading the comments shared here:
- The End: When caregiving ends, my husband passed away https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/the-end/

@jehjeh, to get the discussion going, can you share one aspect of no longer being a caregiver that you are struggling with?

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I was the caregiver for my husband for many years with Hodgkin, Prostrate, Colon and MPNST , soft tissue sarcoma. It is very, very difficult to find any normalcy after many years of care. I did find some understanding in my life after I read Joyce Carol Oates Book A Widow’s Story…perhaps because I was feeling the same things about which she was writing. It is a devastating loss and it is very hard to find normalcy…if you can also find a group where you can share your feelings….talking does help to release the feelings you are keeping inside. I hope you will find some peace and resolution. My thoughts will be with you during this difficult time.

I was the primary caregiver for my mom. She had dementia. My 3 siblings would always with in and that helped. Eventually my mom was placed in a memory care facility until her death. About 2 years. In hindsight, always 20/20!, we should have gone the placement route sooner. She adjusted well and the staff was professional and capable. The cost was very high.

A true difficult path to travel. Your own well being needs to come first, sooner than later imho.

@colleenyoung thanks for your response.

For years, I guess I struggled in silence, this being the only place I could speak honestly about what was going on at home. I never found another safe place to share my thoughts. Caregiving a loved one with dementia being different from other types of caregiving. Now, no one in my circle understands my anger and sadness at losing him day by day, the fear of not knowing from minute to minute what his mood would be, giving up everything else in life that wasn't him. Caregiving was my life. Now, I have no reason to get out of the house and I don't want to. So I don't. I tell myself this is me taking care of me but I want to want to get out. I want to say I GET to do X,Y or Z today rather than I HAVE to do XY or Z. I find no joy anywhere. When does the joy return? Does it return?

@jehjeh
I am so very sorry for what you are going through.
I wish for you:
-therapist who specializes in grief processing
-good friend or family to stay with you for a bit
-excellent doctor to prescribe meds to help you through this stage
Big hugs. 🫂

@jehjeh

My heart goes out to you for your loss. Rest assured, however, that the world is waiting for your return. I hear so many stories from friends who find new love when the time is right. Open your heart when you are ready.

I met my husband 11 months after he lost his wife to cancer. We fell in love right away but waited until our respective youngest child went off to college before making a commitment to each other. We have now been together over 30 years, and he has Alzheimer's, Lewy Body's, vascular dementia, and Parkinson's. He is also immobile due to chronic pain following two lower back surgeries.

You have been caring for someone else for the past few years. Now, is the time for you to self-care. Don't be pressured by what others say. Go with your heart.

I recently talked to an old friend who lost her husband four years ago after a 47-year marriage. Last year, she met a man from her church who lost his wife--also, following a 47-year marriage. When I spoke to my friend, who loved her husband more than anything, she sounded like a teenager in love. (Her new boyfriend looks like a cross between Omar Shariff and Clark Gable.) Neither of them has dated anyone else since their respective spouses passed away. I think God's plan was for them to save each other for themselves.

Keep your heart open, and turn to this board for support. We are all rooting for you. Send private messages to Colleen Young, our moderator. She is all ears and heart--and full of useful insightful advice and resources.

Love and prayers,
George's Wife

jehjeh-
Do you have a bird feeder?
Ed