Coping with loss of DH (dear husband) and trauma of caregiving years

@bayviewgal

Journal every day!

Find a "Counseling For Seniors"

i have one that is in the Humana Network.

And, Amy does Video Conference. She is a God-send!

Keith

I can certainly understand. My DH passed away 6 months ago. He had several chronic health issues to include dementia. I was his sole caregiver the last 12 years. The day he passed I did not expect it...it happened as I was preparing him a cup of tea. I am so heartbroken and I miss him so much. I hurt so much.

After six years of caring for my wife, who was suffering with dementia, she passed on New Years day this year - so yes I am also suffering from a major loss, after 72 years of marriage. So far I have joined three grief support groups and am considering another. The first group I joined "Hope" is dedicated to those who have lost a spouse or partner and has been very helpful so far. It's an in person group meeting once a week which has provided me with some insight as to handling my grief - which has been unbearable. Having this platform, where one can share feelings and emotions plus, hear from others as to how they feel and what they do to ease their pain plus move on, as much as possible, toward as normal life as is possible after such a loss. I find this in person meeting more helpful, than the other two - one a weekly telephone meeting, the other a zoom session, once a month. For some reason, i've avoided sharing my emotions with family - don't want them to know how weak I am, I suppose, but that may just be me, others may be comfortable sharing with family members, which I'm sure would be a great source of relief.

My suggestion to you jehjeh, would be to locate a local group to join. don't isolate ourself, speak out when your comfortable, don't hold it in. After only four months, i really don't feel confident that my input in grief counseling can be of much benefit to others - however, it does help make me feel a little better. in that it is one more avenue for me to vent my emotions.

My best wishes to you, I feel your pain - stay strong you are not alone!

I praise you for your humility in revealing your pain and vulnerabilities and for your courage to not let loss and loneliness defeat you and your resolve. Your dear companion of 72 years is no longer suffering with her struggles that the Alzheimer's Disease has held her captive.
Alzheimer's took my best friend and life's companion of 50 years in mid-2025. Her passing comforts me because she no longer experiences the suffering and the confusion that this disease presented itself to her. The stress of caregiving, I confess, is gone and replaced by seeing purpose in my life and pursuing that purpose. Needless to say, my faith has helped me to transition to a productive, hope-filled life. I miss her but at the same time rejoice in her peace.
I honor her memory by planting plants and floors that she enjoyed in her life.
I am grateful to your message as it is a reminder that life is worth the living....
Victor, your fellow widower.

I have anticipatory grief for Mum who has end- stage Alzheimers.Snd PTSD as a result of her suffering neglect in the first care home. It was a year I was ignored when trying to alert two siblings with photos and emails and calls about what was happening to Mum. I wasn't believed. Then Mum broke her hip after being left to walk unaided( carpal stated to be assisted as she was weak on feet, legs like jelly) when she apparently walked 30-35 feet, fell outside her bedroom door and was then moved to her bed before an ambulance arrived.

The memories of Mum emotionally and physically neglected together with menories of her in accident and emergency dept in agony before surgery, curled up begging like a child for us to help the pain go, replay in my mind involuntarily and it is so painful. I've been diagnosed with PRSD/ CPTSD.

Is it the memories of your late husband's suffering that are causing you trauma?

I know there is EMDR and that it's success rate is good but it involves picturing the things you've seen and working with the psychiatrist to process/ come to terms with these memories so they hurt less. I have had to postpone EMDR for now because the anticipatory grief is too much to face let alone picturing Mum as she was in the year she was failed. It would be too painful right now to have EMDR. If you're strong enough it might help to have EMDR.

@fred1 I appreciate your response on this. I lost my wife of 59 years 9 months ago after 1 1/2 years of caretaking. No one that hasn’t been through it can understand the pain of this grief. I have attended 3 grief groups but they were limited length and have ended. I have a grief counselor I talk to by phone once or twice a week but that is expensive. Unfortunately my grief passed from the depression that comes with it into major depression so I’m struggling to find the right antidepressant. I agree that in-person groups are best so I need to find another one. I force myself to get out to church for the community, shopping, bookstore, etc. It’s hard. My family is across the country and they really don’t understand. I have a grandson’s high school graduation in 3 weeks in California (I’m in Texas) and don’t see how I can possibly make it and feel guilty about that. I’m going to keep trying and hope for the best. I wish you the best too on this difficult journey.

@joetex
Hugs and condolences to you.
I found a free, virtual grief class online and a few of the things they shared really resonated with me. I hope you find a class that's a good fit. All the best. 🌺