Coping with loss of DH (dear husband) and trauma of caregiving years

I am sorry for your loss. My husband has been gone about 5years now and I was his caregiver for muscular dystrophy and some heart conditions. I've been recently struggling a lot with grief. I am currently seeking a women's widow group to help with this grief. I was young when we got married and soon after his health started to get worse after the first few years.

@sas03 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m so glad you found this group and decided to join!

My heart aches for you. I’m only in the 3rd year of caregiving and I wonder when this ends will I even know who I am. Be kind to yourself. I would suggest a good massage therapist. They are used to people sobbing while they work on them. They are so helpful in soothing your body. It’s not just your heart & soul that are grieving, but your physical body as well.
Peace, my friend. C

My husband passed 5 months ago from frontal temporal lobe dementia. I am not as confused as the first few months, but continue to struggle with depression. I, too, have not found support groups helpful. I just try to put one foot in front of the other and hope that time really is on my side.

@kathy26
I hope you'll consider us your support group. 🫂

@kathy26 I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and your depression. Life doesn't always deal us the deck we want. When my mother died I went into a grief workshop for 6 months. Most of the people in there had lost their husband and/or wife. I believe it was a hospice related work shop; I found it to be so helpful in getting my life back together and not being so dreadfully sad, and guilty for all the things I should have said, done and didn't do. You're right time is on your side. But if you can find it in your heart, to help others, volunteer at the hospital, school or wherever. Being a caregiver you have incredible skills, patience and fortitude that goes a long way in helping others - while helping rebuild yourself. I love to cook, and I find when I get depressed as a caregiver, I'm back into cookbooks, at the burner, etc. Find something that can get you excited during this depression,. AARP I believe has on the website, volunteer groups you can be part of. I know it's hard to find solace in an activity, when your heart is forever breaking, but by slowing opening that door, you may find something that helps lift you every day.
My thoughts are with you, and every caregiver out here on this site.

@kathy26 One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time do the next indicated thing what ever that is. eg. get out of bed, eat something nutritious, brush your teeth. I think depression is to be expected at this point. You might speak to your physician about it and see if he/she recommends medication. I know that it helped me get through the day for months. I no longer need it but everyone is different. Also there are free one to one phone help lines for your mental health. You can find these phone numbers online. This site is a great, safe place to express your feelings safely. When I lost my mother after caring for her for 5 years, I was overwhelmed with sorrow and depression. I was helped by a grief counselor from the hospice agency. He said grief never goes away, you just learn to live with it. And I have. He also suggested that my sister and I try to identify what my Mom's legacy was focusing on who she was and what she gave to our family. Please keep posting here. We are here for you.

@edsutton I do have a bird feeder but I'm in a 4th floor condo. I do enjoy watching the birds in the summer as I sit on the patio downstairs. This time of year, the weather prevents me from doing more than filling the feeder before going back inside.

My wife at 79 just yesterday was pronounced with Frontal Lobe(s) .... she is having a Pet scan next week.

Please find a Senior Care Counselor in your area. Mine is in Network with Humana.

Keith

@jehjeh. when does the joy return? you asked. You WANT to do things rather than HAVE to do things. In my opinion, there is no prescribed timeline. It is your agenda, so I'm not here to tell you what to do. I will share something that helped my mom. Her mantra when my dad passed was "Get up. Get dressed. Get out." She didn't do big things at first. Sometimes it was just a walk around the house. But the act of getting dressed and getting outside was helpful for her eventhough my dad passed in December and we live in a snowbelt.

So, what might one thing might you do for yourself that might also mean nudging yourself to do it? For joy, I wonder if the saying "fake until you make it" might work. Just spitballing here.