My life turned from great to awful and back to good

@donnacarp I am honored that you have enough trust in me and MayoCinicConnect to tell me your story. Do you feel that you can say this to your daughter now?

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I did it. I told her what it was like and what happened and I kept it about me only. I emailed her because she is so very good at throwing blame around and I am terrible about stalling out when that happens. I was blamed for so long and I didn't know everything she was told. Her youngest now deceased brother would say horrible things that his dad told him, like I was practicing witchcraft and they might have to go to foster care. He was only 10 at the time of divorce. It was awful. I told her those things as well. Her comment to the email was simply, "I love you." That's OK. I feel so much better for having given her the truth.

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thank you Ginger. I did feel a sense of relief about that. Yesterday I was so depressed all day.......more depressed than I had been before. It was a bit frightening the way I felt connected to nothing and no one. I am married to a very kind man who certainly has his own set of stuff.........we learned 3 years ago that he is a sex addict and he has been getting help for that. I have had to learn to live around the notion that I will have to deal with that and learn how NOT to feel threatened by him. That seems like a huge nut that is not digestible. He does behave differently when we are out. The part I am having difficulty with is that in order to manage the horror of that I have slotted the whole thing into, "I don't care." Not caring hurts my heart on an emotional level and I have stopped trusting even when I can or think I can. The loss of direction is strange. I wonder ......what do I do, where do I go, what do I say, where do I belong? It is all so self-centered which I hate and that self-centeredness has never been my way. I am tired of being stuck inside my own multi storm-damage on the inside. There is nowhere to live within myself because I don't have myself to trust. What has kept me going since the beginning of all the chaos so long ago is that I held HOPE. When my son was ill and before he died in 2007, even though my other son was missing and my husband had cancer, I held hope that as long as there is life there is a chance for things to be better and happier. Now, I only know that there is hope somewhere but I don't have it anymore.

Jump to this post

I did it. I told her what it was like and what happened and I kept it about me only. I emailed her because she is so very good at throwing blame around and I am terrible about stalling out when that happens. I was blamed for so long and I didn't know everything she was told. Her youngest now deceased brother would say horrible things that his dad told him, like I was practicing witchcraft and they might have to go to foster care. He was only 10 at the time of divorce. It was awful. I told her those things as well. Her comment to the email was simply, "I love you." That's OK. I feel so much better for having given her the truth.

Jump to this post

thank you Ginger. I did feel a sense of relief about that. Yesterday I was so depressed all day.......more depressed than I had been before. It was a bit frightening the way I felt connected to nothing and no one. I am married to a very kind man who certainly has his own set of stuff.........we learned 3 years ago that he is a sex addict and he has been getting help for that. I have had to learn to live around the notion that I will have to deal with that and learn how NOT to feel threatened by him. That seems like a huge nut that is not digestible. He does behave differently when we are out. The part I am having difficulty with is that in order to manage the horror of that I have slotted the whole thing into, "I don't care." Not caring hurts my heart on an emotional level and I have stopped trusting even when I can or think I can. The loss of direction is strange. I wonder ......what do I do, where do I go, what do I say, where do I belong? It is all so self-centered which I hate and that self-centeredness has never been my way. I am tired of being stuck inside my own multi storm-damage on the inside. There is nowhere to live within myself because I don't have myself to trust. What has kept me going since the beginning of all the chaos so long ago is that I held HOPE. When my son was ill and before he died in 2007, even though my other son was missing and my husband had cancer, I held hope that as long as there is life there is a chance for things to be better and happier. Now, I only know that there is hope somewhere but I don't have it anymore.

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@donnakarp It is my belief that there is a chance for things to be better and happier. You expressed to your daughter your truth, and she said "I love you". That little phrase can be the start of something fresh. As @becsbuddy said, perhaps she would accept a phone call. Ask her to tell you how she feels after reading your email, give her an opportunity to also start healing. There are often times we might ask ourselves the same questions, as you said, "what do I do, where do I go, what do I say, where do I belong?" Small steps can lead to a whole new outlook. You cared enough to reach out, and that in itself is a step.
Ginger

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that's a good idea about calling her. I generally don't call her because she has was mean and has not been receptive to calls. She doesn't answer any form of communication until she has her ducks in a row, she literally cannot be caught off-guard. I have waited for her to call me when she wants. She likes to be in control......all the time. She didn't improve her behavior until I called it on her while we were at the reception after the funeral of her father and my youngest son, who died just 2 days after his dad. While she was angrily telling me to "go home, just leave" (she lives in another state.I stopped her and told her that I was no longer going to walk on eggshells and that she would never be allowed to speak to me with disrespect again now that her father had died. Other people were around so she immediately stopped putting me "in my place" where she wanted me. She hasn't treated me with contempt again when I could see it. What I know about contempt is that once someone has contempt for another it is rarely overcome. It is a very nasty destructive feeling. I think I'll email to let her know if she would like to talk or open up to me about how she is with me or about anything that I will be available, able and willing. Thank you for the suggestion.

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@donnakarp Good for you. Let her know you would welcome a chance to open communication, and discuss things without judgment. I have been where you are, in situations with my family, and it can be a lonesome place for all involved. To not be cowed by someone else's behavior takes strength. The funerals were a time of high emotions, and sometimes people are not aware how they are presenting themselves while they hurt deeply.

You're right about contempt, and in order to make peace in our own hearts, we can only try to calm the situation. If it doesn't work out, you know you yourself have done what you could.
Gentle hugs,
Ginger

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