Lost my best friend almost 5 years ago: Grief still intense

something is not right. there is a process to mourning which when completed resolves in acceptance and sadness.
If we use Kubler-Ross' system , the stages are denial, anger, negotiating, depression and acceptance.
If you are still in depression, you might try (grief) counseling to move on. Sorry for your loss.

@thomasappell0 Friend, there is no shame in grief, nor is there any "one" timeline for anyone - it affects everyone differently and lasts for different periods. Yes - I am in your shoes right now, and have been prior to this, too. I lost my best friend suddenly back in November, along with 6 other people - 5 one day (4 from one family), 1 before those, then a 7th after; all terrible tragedies. It dredged up years of undealt with, cumulative grief. Horrible. Then, just this past week - I lost several more in 2 days, along with several others going to die. I still often wrestle with not eating when I enter "shutdown" mode or get hyperfocused, etc. Thankfully, I attend CR meetings each week that really, truly help minimize that struggle and give me better tools to exit with victory, so-to-speak. I've always hated journaling until I finally decided I had nothing left to lose. The grief was unbearable. So, there's an online journaling site where you can post privately (only visible to you) - and can't rip or burn it up - I started to do it, and over time, it really started to help. It gave me an avenue to "keep the conversation open" - i.e. the ability to include my best friend in my life, as if they were still alive. I felt like my purpose died, so I needed a way that felt "true" to keep it alive. Just a suggestion - https://www.deardiary.net. Also, I tried grief counseling and realized it wasn't for me at.that.time. But, I may revisit it later. Instead, I've kept busy with things where I can "give back" and it has given me renewal and repurpose, so a huge uplifter that I needed to "keep going." There are also dark moments of despair or just when waves of grief hit - take time out for you and honor those moments. Only you know what you need. I would, however, suggest that finding people who can support you and just be there (even w/o words) - just a presence - will do wonders. Keep your head up, friend. Find things that bring you joy. Force yourself to get fresh air, if possible. But, know that you have all the time you need to deal with it as you feel is appropriate. You've got a lot of people here who will rally around you - you are among kindred spirits, so you are not alone - please reach out to any of us here if you need to talk. Hang in there - days may be dark, but you hold a flashlight in your hands. There is light inside the tunnel with you, not just at the end of it waiting for you to arrive. This pain will lessen in time. Keep your best friend's memory alive, somehow. I'm so so sorry ... 😓 Remember, this life is a journey. Where you are is not where you'll stay.

@shmerdloff
Thanks for your insight. I've been seeing a psychologist for over 2 years now. I'm going to talk to my doctor about antidepressants very soon.

@thomasappell0 Friend, there is no shame in grief, nor is there any "one" timeline for anyone - it affects everyone differently and lasts for different periods. Yes - I am in your shoes right now, and have been prior to this, too. I lost my best friend suddenly back in November, along with 6 other people - 5 one day (4 from one family), 1 before those, then a 7th after; all terrible tragedies. It dredged up years of undealt with, cumulative grief. Horrible. Then, just this past week - I lost several more in 2 days, along with several others going to die. I still often wrestle with not eating when I enter "shutdown" mode or get hyperfocused, etc. Thankfully, I attend CR meetings each week that really, truly help minimize that struggle and give me better tools to exit with victory, so-to-speak. I've always hated journaling until I finally decided I had nothing left to lose. The grief was unbearable. So, there's an online journaling site where you can post privately (only visible to you) - and can't rip or burn it up - I started to do it, and over time, it really started to help. It gave me an avenue to "keep the conversation open" - i.e. the ability to include my best friend in my life, as if they were still alive. I felt like my purpose died, so I needed a way that felt "true" to keep it alive. Just a suggestion - https://www.deardiary.net. Also, I tried grief counseling and realized it wasn't for me at.that.time. But, I may revisit it later. Instead, I've kept busy with things where I can "give back" and it has given me renewal and repurpose, so a huge uplifter that I needed to "keep going." There are also dark moments of despair or just when waves of grief hit - take time out for you and honor those moments. Only you know what you need. I would, however, suggest that finding people who can support you and just be there (even w/o words) - just a presence - will do wonders. Keep your head up, friend. Find things that bring you joy. Force yourself to get fresh air, if possible. But, know that you have all the time you need to deal with it as you feel is appropriate. You've got a lot of people here who will rally around you - you are among kindred spirits, so you are not alone - please reach out to any of us here if you need to talk. Hang in there - days may be dark, but you hold a flashlight in your hands. There is light inside the tunnel with you, not just at the end of it waiting for you to arrive. This pain will lessen in time. Keep your best friend's memory alive, somehow. I'm so so sorry ... 😓 Remember, this life is a journey. Where you are is not where you'll stay.

@rivermaya34

Speaking of light and joy, two readings for today are: