Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@marty1996

Thank you so much. Tend to be much like my son a happy goblucky positive although private person. I want send great thanks to all of you that took interest in this post a minute to draw my attention because I have been looking at this grief group for a while , well you know thank you…😪😉💙❤

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@marty1996 Marty, reading your posts about your son's passing makes my heart hurt. When I think about how I would feel if anything so horrendous was to happen to my son or daughter, I know it would be unbearable.
Your tribute letter to your son is beautiful. I think that he is with you still, just in a different way. You have your own angel now in heaven watching over you.

@rmftucker I am sorry to hear of the passing of your husband. I can imagine how difficult it must be to be alone and isolated in these times. We are fortunate at least to be able to keep in touch with calls, texts, Facetime, etc. I hope those resources will bring a bit of joy into each day for you. I know they are not the same of course, particularly since you have children close by, but for now, it has to suffice. Hopefully, this crisis will end by summer and our normal lives can resume. As you commented, we will get through this.
JK

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@marty1996 He is with you this is showing you in the birds you see ,same thing happened when my husband died . Take refuge in these moments .beautiful

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Thank you so much bless you and yours💙🙏❤

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