Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@georgette12

Oh, I do want to say that I have had a psychiatrist and therapist most of my life. An assortment of different belief systems. My new psychiatrist lives in Israel. I see him through Skype. He actually discusses eastern religions such as karma with me and he has had some experiences. He was educated in the U.S but lives in Tele Vive. Did I spell that city right?

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I would like to know more about having a psychiatrist remotely. Can you message me?

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@lakme77

I lost my mother (my only remaining parent) in March of this year. I chose to leave and not see a dead body. My siblings understood. I am a newly discovered “empath”. It takes me so long to recover. I miss her more than anything. I go through daily tears if I am not busy with work or activities -mundane ones; of wanting more time with her. Wishing I had lived closer; wishing I did more; wishing I was stronger to have stayed till the end.

Slowly just last month my childlike bewilderment of “searching for her and wondering where did she go?“ matured to a sense she lives in my heart. I felt happier for first time wrt to her passing.

Grief is perplex. I ache horribly. Emotionally and physically. It has changed me completely. I somehow do not want to see my siblings. I want to grieve alone. I feel free finally not have to force myself to visit. Finally I am putting myself first.

I don’t know what to expect in the near-now or future.

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@lakme77 I'm so sorry for your loss it is what we all go through when our loved one dies but you sound like you have come through it with her always in your ❤️ My Grandmother is who I talked with and she inspired me .Now I've lost my husband ,Mother and brother It gets easier to face each day but you won't forget never .Take one day at a time

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