Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@reibur1951

Hi – all I have lost the last post – but since then its been hell friend (Paul) with lung cancer had his CT on the 13th remains stable – had his immunology etc on the 17th and Dr is pleased with everything… came home crashed on the 18th – had not gone to bed as yet when received a call from Russ daughter at 1-1:30 a.m. on the 19th who usurped the care for her mother in nursing home and would not tell me anything – that the nursing home was sending her mother to ER in Plymouth think she had a partial seizure by what was told – ER diagnosis was
Acute Myocardial infraction with STEMI (100% blockage) prognosis no catherization because of all health conditions
Sepsis
c-diff + (she came into ER with diarrhea)
Stage 3B Acute Chronic Onset Kidney Disease

she was kept in ER till a little after 6 then put on floor 4 p.m. transferred her to Hospice care in South Bend and she was there till 4 p.m. Sat the 22nd when transferred back to nursing home and I was able to come home about 4 hours on Sunday 23rd – and yesterday 26th she died at 6;24 a.m. I went in about 5 p.m. last night made arrangements for cremation, a private family viewing which is at 5:30 tonight

I have basically been running on no sleep, no food, and so-called daughter who cared so much that she wanted total control over her mothers care only and told the nursing home I was to know nothing showed up for 2 hours for 2 days, and maybe a little longer on Sat & Sunday – she may of showed up christmas eve not sure showed up about an hour just to bring the son who is in half way house to see his mom before he went back

I told her to go on have christmas i was staying there with Mariea as she would be alone and i did not want her to be alone – she has been in nursing home since Dec 3, 2004 at 7 p.m. and Russ and I were the constant visitors (every Wednesday, Sunday, the thanksgiving dinners they had, he birthday, anniversary, christmas until he took sick and was diagnosis of not making red blood cells he just did not have the energy – he tried making it into the front lobby from car parked illegally in the canopy drop off/pickup area

Yeah I am a wreck – i have cried – i am trying not to be bitter angry but its hard when I was there 24/7, just cat-naps – no food basically all those days – did have some but it was not the normal 2 or 3 meals a day – I am not a breakfast person….

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So sorry u and family will be in my prayers

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@reibur1951

Hi – all I have lost the last post – but since then its been hell friend (Paul) with lung cancer had his CT on the 13th remains stable – had his immunology etc on the 17th and Dr is pleased with everything… came home crashed on the 18th – had not gone to bed as yet when received a call from Russ daughter at 1-1:30 a.m. on the 19th who usurped the care for her mother in nursing home and would not tell me anything – that the nursing home was sending her mother to ER in Plymouth think she had a partial seizure by what was told – ER diagnosis was
Acute Myocardial infraction with STEMI (100% blockage) prognosis no catherization because of all health conditions
Sepsis
c-diff + (she came into ER with diarrhea)
Stage 3B Acute Chronic Onset Kidney Disease

she was kept in ER till a little after 6 then put on floor 4 p.m. transferred her to Hospice care in South Bend and she was there till 4 p.m. Sat the 22nd when transferred back to nursing home and I was able to come home about 4 hours on Sunday 23rd – and yesterday 26th she died at 6;24 a.m. I went in about 5 p.m. last night made arrangements for cremation, a private family viewing which is at 5:30 tonight

I have basically been running on no sleep, no food, and so-called daughter who cared so much that she wanted total control over her mothers care only and told the nursing home I was to know nothing showed up for 2 hours for 2 days, and maybe a little longer on Sat & Sunday – she may of showed up christmas eve not sure showed up about an hour just to bring the son who is in half way house to see his mom before he went back

I told her to go on have christmas i was staying there with Mariea as she would be alone and i did not want her to be alone – she has been in nursing home since Dec 3, 2004 at 7 p.m. and Russ and I were the constant visitors (every Wednesday, Sunday, the thanksgiving dinners they had, he birthday, anniversary, christmas until he took sick and was diagnosis of not making red blood cells he just did not have the energy – he tried making it into the front lobby from car parked illegally in the canopy drop off/pickup area

Yeah I am a wreck – i have cried – i am trying not to be bitter angry but its hard when I was there 24/7, just cat-naps – no food basically all those days – did have some but it was not the normal 2 or 3 meals a day – I am not a breakfast person….

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@reibur1951 Im so sorry for your lose and everything else Take one thing at a time first rest you need this to process things also. God bless you take care of yourself.

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I am here – went to bed before 10 got up after 10 still muddled confused like said trying not to be bitter, angry – i got to keep it together for myself and for Paul and carry on – At least I got to be there for her as I promised Russ even tho the daughter took that right from me jut after he died so I "feel good" about all thats went down – just did not expect it so soon after I have cried – not in the presence of the daughter – but alone – with some of the nursing staff at nursing home – in fact 3 of the nurses (LPN's) are till there after 14 years 2 started as aides/CNA and all got to see her but one he was out on sick leave.

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@reibur1951

I am here – went to bed before 10 got up after 10 still muddled confused like said trying not to be bitter, angry – i got to keep it together for myself and for Paul and carry on – At least I got to be there for her as I promised Russ even tho the daughter took that right from me jut after he died so I "feel good" about all thats went down – just did not expect it so soon after I have cried – not in the presence of the daughter – but alone – with some of the nursing staff at nursing home – in fact 3 of the nurses (LPN's) are till there after 14 years 2 started as aides/CNA and all got to see her but one he was out on sick leave.

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@reibur1951 You fulfilled your promise to her.Now take it one day at a time Go do something for yourself take hubby along I'm a retired LPN myself. Be l nd to yourself God is with you

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Yes and I fulfilled the promise to the deceased husband – which the daughter refused to let me do – she usurped everything just shortly after he died June 28th – so because of things i did not go see her like i should but funny when the end came it was me there not her – i told her she could have day and would share if she did not want to stay the full time with her I would take the night ours… Its over done with and the daughter will have to live with it – I bought veggie and also a meat cheese tray for the staff on Sunday night for through Christmas however it would last – I took the same in last night – got thank you cards to take in tomorrow to the staff and the 3 thats been there from day one….

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By way my mother and her sister were nurses… my mother was a dedicated nurse her profession came about everything else even to her family 🙁

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@reibur1951

Hi – all I have lost the last post – but since then its been hell friend (Paul) with lung cancer had his CT on the 13th remains stable – had his immunology etc on the 17th and Dr is pleased with everything… came home crashed on the 18th – had not gone to bed as yet when received a call from Russ daughter at 1-1:30 a.m. on the 19th who usurped the care for her mother in nursing home and would not tell me anything – that the nursing home was sending her mother to ER in Plymouth think she had a partial seizure by what was told – ER diagnosis was
Acute Myocardial infraction with STEMI (100% blockage) prognosis no catherization because of all health conditions
Sepsis
c-diff + (she came into ER with diarrhea)
Stage 3B Acute Chronic Onset Kidney Disease

she was kept in ER till a little after 6 then put on floor 4 p.m. transferred her to Hospice care in South Bend and she was there till 4 p.m. Sat the 22nd when transferred back to nursing home and I was able to come home about 4 hours on Sunday 23rd – and yesterday 26th she died at 6;24 a.m. I went in about 5 p.m. last night made arrangements for cremation, a private family viewing which is at 5:30 tonight

I have basically been running on no sleep, no food, and so-called daughter who cared so much that she wanted total control over her mothers care only and told the nursing home I was to know nothing showed up for 2 hours for 2 days, and maybe a little longer on Sat & Sunday – she may of showed up christmas eve not sure showed up about an hour just to bring the son who is in half way house to see his mom before he went back

I told her to go on have christmas i was staying there with Mariea as she would be alone and i did not want her to be alone – she has been in nursing home since Dec 3, 2004 at 7 p.m. and Russ and I were the constant visitors (every Wednesday, Sunday, the thanksgiving dinners they had, he birthday, anniversary, christmas until he took sick and was diagnosis of not making red blood cells he just did not have the energy – he tried making it into the front lobby from car parked illegally in the canopy drop off/pickup area

Yeah I am a wreck – i have cried – i am trying not to be bitter angry but its hard when I was there 24/7, just cat-naps – no food basically all those days – did have some but it was not the normal 2 or 3 meals a day – I am not a breakfast person….

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@reibur1951

I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with yet another loss. This has certainly been a difficult year for you. Unfortunately, family members can make these times difficult.

I am glad to hear that your friend's son is responding well to his cancer treatment. That must be an encouragement to you.

I wish you a good New Year with some better experiences.

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Thank you – the family viewing went off all right – I sat upstairs in my little corner – a grandson spoke to me – and a grand-daughter but of course she wanted a necklace from her grandmothers ashes – which i will get since she asked – went a head and got one for her out of grandfathers ashes – the daughter still not speaking and she or her sister invited non-family members –

Time will tell what happens now – but for now the daughter since her dad's death done the damage of trust etc. – I was surprised she even called me after usurping all caretaker duties for her mother after 14+ years and incident just after her dad died sent her mother to the ER with a big gash all thorugh her eyebrow and she did not even go to the er from what I gathered as the nursing home called me by mistake to inform her she was back there – Russ and I always went no matter what but of course she was working and did not want to loose a day of work 🙁

I wanted to wish every one a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and was waiting closer to Christmas and also the report – on son Yes it has to be a better year I hope

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Thank you so much for sharing , and what your saying is right on point . In 2018 in the month of November i had 3 deaths . My brother who was 60 , Passed away with cancer – Nov 7th – Wednesday . My father age 91, Passed away from pneumonia Nov the 14th – Wednesday . The day before Thanksgiving on Nov 21st , – Wednesday the love of my life passed away at age 68 from cancer .. JUST ONE MOMENT TO ANOTHER ONE ..

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@candaceann

Thank you so much for sharing , and what your saying is right on point . In 2018 in the month of November i had 3 deaths . My brother who was 60 , Passed away with cancer – Nov 7th – Wednesday . My father age 91, Passed away from pneumonia Nov the 14th – Wednesday . The day before Thanksgiving on Nov 21st , – Wednesday the love of my life passed away at age 68 from cancer .. JUST ONE MOMENT TO ANOTHER ONE ..

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@candaceann I'm so sorry for your losses .Be strong.Know Jesus is your strength and comfort at a time like this do you have other family members and friends to lean on?

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@candaceann

Thank you so much for sharing , and what your saying is right on point . In 2018 in the month of November i had 3 deaths . My brother who was 60 , Passed away with cancer – Nov 7th – Wednesday . My father age 91, Passed away from pneumonia Nov the 14th – Wednesday . The day before Thanksgiving on Nov 21st , – Wednesday the love of my life passed away at age 68 from cancer .. JUST ONE MOMENT TO ANOTHER ONE ..

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Hello @candaceann

I am so sorry to hear of your multiple and significant losses in November. It is difficult enough to experience one of those losses.

Please share how you are dealing with all of this. Do you have a good support group in your life of family and friends?

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@candaceann

Thank you so much for sharing , and what your saying is right on point . In 2018 in the month of November i had 3 deaths . My brother who was 60 , Passed away with cancer – Nov 7th – Wednesday . My father age 91, Passed away from pneumonia Nov the 14th – Wednesday . The day before Thanksgiving on Nov 21st , – Wednesday the love of my life passed away at age 68 from cancer .. JUST ONE MOMENT TO ANOTHER ONE ..

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I'm sorry for so many losses. In 2007 four family members, including my elder daughter, all died. Recovering from multiple losses differs from recovering from one and takes longer. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

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