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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hello @mar1222
It is so good to hear from you again - thanks for giving us some images of your brother. He sounds like he was a terrific person and I can understand the void you feel in your life right now. It is tough to go on without an important family member.
Grief can be a complicated process and writing is a very good way to break through to a new life. As @IndianaScott said in his post above,
"We who are grieving are living, not in a 'new normal', but in a different world where grief is now a partner with us. Our love for the person we lost is now replaced by the grief over that love lost. It is not simple, easy, nor quick to overcome. Love is like that, right?"
Try to keep those thoughts in mind. Allow your loss and grief for your brother to become your partner, try not to fight it or to overly-indulge in it.
Are you a reader? A book was written many years ago about a man who lost his wife, one child and his mother in a auto accident (their vehicle was struck by a drunk driver). He was a seminary professor and therefore a person of faith, however, in his book, A Grief Disguised, the author, Gerald Sittser, writes about his issues and anger with God who would let this happen. If you could get a copy of this book and read just a few pages a day, it might be very comforting to you right now.
Thank you again for sharing your story of grief on this forum. I'm enjoying getting to know your brother!
Teresa
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3 ReactionsHello @parus
I wish I could "double-like" your message. Great words of encouragement! Teresa
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3 Reactions@hopeful33250 Aw shucks...and thank you. I only write what I believe and feel. I will take that double-dip of like and remember thus.
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3 Reactions@mar1222 I am touched by your grief and how it is affecting your faith. I believe that God does not make bad things happen to us, but rather allows evil to exist and affect our lives as a part of our free will. I believe that this is a test of your faith set before you by evil and God needs you to manage this period of your life to His glory. That may sound trite or be too much for you to take in now, but it gives me comfort in my grief. Blessings to you and your family.
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3 ReactionsTeresa (shortshot Nancy) Thank you for the wonderful word I just read. I knew Bob was close to death on the Tuesday before. He had called me to come and talk, "he told me" Mom you know I love you don't you? Yes I know and I love you too. "He gave me a kiss and then turned back to the TV. He ate all his meals on Wednesday and also on Thursday (May 3) I fixed his dinner of Clam chowder and some water melon and about 8:30 my son called me to help him put a night shirt on Bob. So I was trying to put his night shirt on him, while son was trying to lift him up. Bob was son unresponsive that son could not lift him.
I knew this was time. We called the other family members, told them was was going on and then called the ambulance. I had started to cry, couldn't help it.Ambulance came and I rode with them to the hospital (this was about 9pm. Arrived at the hospital, Doc said that he would not make it and they started the Hospice program. Then found a room for us all to be with him. Two son's were there and the third son arrived about 2am. Daughter was unable to be there as she was side with a bad cold. About 3:00 am, youngest son had to leave, I had asked him to bring me home. He said no mom, Jr can take you home, cause I don't want you home alone. Bob passed away at 6:10 am May 4. #2 son stayed with Bob till he passed. He was angry with me cause I didn't stay. I was so tired, exhausted and have my own medical problems. I also went to my primary doc yesterday and he added one medication to my list. Told me also that " things will get better", and I know time heals. Some of my grief turns angry and I don't like the feeling that it gives me.. Thanks for listening Teresa. Nancy
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5 Reactions@shortshot Hello Nancy,
I appreciate your sharing with me your final moments with your dear husband. I'm so glad to hear that Bob was surrounded by his family during his last hours. You all honored him by your presence!
I believe that you were wise to go home and rest. You do have your own health problems to deal with and you exhibited wonderful self-care in this difficult situation.
Yes, anger is part of the grief process and your doctor is right that, in time, these feelings will abate to some degree and you will become more comfortable with your grief. As @IndianaScott said in a recent post, you will come to "partner" with your grief.
You are a very special lady, Nancy. I am glad to have the opportunity to talk with you through Mayo Connect and I am so glad that you continue to share here.
Blessings, prayers and good wishes for you and your entire family!
Teresa
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4 ReactionsGrief is Love Turned Inside Out. Hope is the difference between Sadness and Depression. Ann Frank said something like ... where there’s life there’s hope. Hope can float you through the most troubled waters.
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1 ReactionThank you user_cha( shortshot Nancy) I went to the doc, as i knew- my head will get back on my shoulders sometime , it just takes time.
A m doing my "immune therapy every three weeks, I kinda think that having the lung cancer or any cancer slows everything down. I'm tired and at least most of my "kids" (all over 60) are doing their best to help me through all throughts the maze that is around me!. Nancy
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1 ReactionI worked in Cardiac/Cancer rehab for a hospital system. Believe it or not, we had folks walking 15 to 20 minutes per day... I also had the pleasure of managing/writing about Stress management. I would highly suggest Dr. Zinn's Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program (the best/ most studied in-hospital stress management program there is, -check Medscape for updates.) Dr. Z's approach is- I focus is on what is RIGHT with you (.e.g "the fact that you are BREATHING".) Of course, I am not a doctor, so please see the Mayo Clinic experts (top in the United states) on possible benefits of MBSR. What do you have to lose by just checking it out? Again, I am not a doctor, but I worked under the supervision of several MD's (I went to medical staffings weekly so I hope I learned something) when I worked for Cardiac/cancer rehab. AND a real doctor told me Dis-Stress MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE (or I like to think relaxation increases the benefit of conventional medicines (with in limits of course). Make Today Count, my friend.
I was asked by Teresa, Volunteer( https://connect.mayoclinic.org/member/95110aa007ad79b253a017a5ebcc51b86505f8b82/ )
to move from https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/melodysplastic-syndrome-unspecified-myelofibroisis-1/?pg=2#comment-116386
We knew it was inevitable that the Blood transfusion were only biding time - that there could eventually be a reaction to them or they would no longer work.:-
I knew something critical was happening with 6 in the last four weeks May 29-June 19 and a count of 6.5, 7.2, 6.4, 6.8 - like i said on the other thread what irked me was his comment of giving 6 units of blood all at once if he wanted them; then the trip to the ER on June 21-22 really topped it off I have no idea how I kept my cool and my thoughts to myself.... Tho its not in same location and under different name my mother worked in that hospital from 1954-1974; and her sister moved up from southern Indiana and started working there from 1968-1974 I was appalled at he being refused transport to I U Medical Center or Methodist given excuses that did not hold water - even after I said we would pay for the transport fees in necessary!
I feel we done our best on Monday June 25th getting him out of the house and down to I.U. Methodist E.R. I transported him myself in my personal vehicle with the heip of the son-in-law and son... we probably done the unconscionable in the son told him he was going if I called him back over as he and the son was physically going to carry him out I told the son-in-law to be back at 11:30 and we were gone... we had talked with son's oncologist research nurse and she had laid the ground work for our arrival at Methodist ER so we would not be refused and she talked to him what she said i am not sure but he called me back and asked about if paper work was ready he was sitting up in bed I faked that as I was not sure what he was talking about he acted like he was goign to start saying something and I just looked at him a told him the decision was his - he had to decide one way or another as his son had given up and was no longer willing to fight his lung cancer and walked out of the room - son-in-law came shortly after i told him what i had done next thing i knew he was frantically waving at me to get back there he had his pants up to knees but son-in-law could not hold him steady enough to get them up rest of way I had bought a rollator after son was diagnosed with lung cancer as I knew a wheel chair would not always be available they rolled out of beddroom inthat down the hall and when got to kitchen door of all things HE WANTED TO WALK DOWN THE THREE STAIRS and probably out to the car but he got lifted down it and rolled to the car in it.... he slept all the way to Indy tho he claims he only had his eyes closed...he made no attempt to talk so I know he did sleep all the way....
We are doing okay except wondering what we will do come winter... this place is a 1975 mobile home with major problems and a "dead horse" there are things in the works but he dragged his feet on proceeding till Feb. it could be as late as Oct. or Nov. before anything solid is known.
I have managed to get the cremation done and paid for... got into a fiasco with graves owned by his mother and him the township trustee claimed still owed money on and would not show son-in-law the books so after basically having a gun held to us and blackmailed I just went elsewhere to buy grave sites for the creamery house monument for him, his wife & 2 sons; the grave sites and the foundation is paid for... The grave sites ate up some of the monument money and I paid for the foundation out of my household money (SS) as not to cut into it anymore so will be very short on money this month but what the hell (oops) have been ever since all this started with him in Nov. 2016 and then add the sons trips to Indy since Oct.
We do expect to hear him yell for something.... miss him on the trips to Indy as he really was a real trooper with all going on with him he never refused to go until the last one for the CT-scan on the 25th he told us on Sunday we could go and he would stay home alone - but I canceled out immediately leaving a message on the oncologist research nurse cell phone.
The past two years he never really gave up but he did not want to go places only to the drs office; i did get him out to Walmart if i went but other than that he preferred to stay home.... before that we would go to the Eagles, American Legion and hear the local bands.
Like I said it was inevitable and I knew it... It was his time and he is relieved out of his suffering.... he never complained about health issues maybe he should of more... Its been a rough rough almost 2 years (all started Nov 7 2016) but so far we have managed to survive... I got to survive I promised him I would take care of his son, get him to his cancer treatments.... God will take care of us and provide for us...
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