Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
@2011panc
Great memories and great photos! So nice to see visible signs of spring.
I appreciate your sharing your thoughts with Connect.
Teresa
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@hopeful33250,
Isn't it crazy when I'm the only sane one? Just kidding, (sort fo) but sometimes I get so 'inward' that I can't do anything. When you get this way, or I get this way, I tend to clam up. AA helps a lot but I still can't get this off my mind. What do you do when you tell the therapist, "I understand you don't understand what I'm trying to say but I still need someone to try."? Then I explain a little and they (I hired a civilian chick therapist also, along with the VA therapist) actually told me they've never heard of it, but you can talk here! OK, I'll talk, but I also want some feed back.
I understand all that, but it'd be nice if just one person could say "Ok, been there done that, I understand."
Little Mezi understands but I think her and Joe are getting together again. I hope so! I hope her and Joe are to busy with getting back together. Yes, I know it's a projection but I think it's a good one. My brother Mike was out hiking in the woods above Love Creek and ran into them together. That was fun, good news because I've always liked Mezi, and Joe. They are a cute couple with a beautiful son.
May be some justice in this crazy world after all.
Thanks
Mark
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI am so sorry to read that this has happened, @kathy4385, and that you are feeling abandoned by the very people who said they would look after you and not abandon you. That has to hurt very badly.
The idea of moving back to where you grew up and where you might be closer to family seems worth investigating. Have you looked at places to live there, or are you not quite at that stage just yet?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionYes I realize that, and agree, but I believe this is due more to me grieving and hurting those I care about, and they just couldn't handle it. so abandoned me, so they wouldn't be hurt further. So when I seek forgiveness , its easier to just not respond to me.
Kathy
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@hopeful33250
Memory and concentration.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@stressedmesseddepressed 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Be someone’s angel today..open up and talk about your own pain,and just perhaps they will be able to talk about theirs Show companionship and caring,
Love that snack, @jimhd! Your idea of rating each day for how it went for you is a good one.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@sunnymygirl -- thinking of you.
@muppey Hello Mark,
It has been a few days since we have heard from you. How are you doing? I hope that you are enjoying Spring and feeling better.
I would enjoy hearing from you.
Teresa
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsHello All:
I just happened to see this article from the New York times about grief and I thought of you all. It is not heavy duty reading but instead a collection of pictures and thoughts about the unpredictableness of grief and the reactions of us and those around us. I would especially encourage you to look at "Triggers."
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/13/sunday-review/how-to-speak-grief.htmlI'm wishing for you all memories that create a sense of gratitude and peace.
Teresa
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions