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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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reibur1951 I am sorry to read of your friend, I lost my husband of 67 years on May 4th. It''s not fun to lose someone you love. I'm sorry for your loss. Nancy shortshot)
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2 Reactionsthank you @shortshort even tho it was inevitable since he was not making red blood cells blood not cancer so so round about way was told - his bone marrow just stopped producing no real answers the whole two years, just a bunch of analogy talk "goign to the gas pump filling up" etc. no straight answers, pushing drugs with bad side effects with the attitude "side effects be dam" not listening to him; me being told I did not give a dam except for money... the list goes on his count hit a high of 8.8 once after a transfusion during the 2 year period normal range was between 7.0 and 7.9 when discovered it was 5.8 and bottomed out once at 5.5 it was basically a transfusion of 2 units every 2 weeks he was on Aransep for 8 months (the last shot he fell in drs. office & hung on banister by one arm/hand) all they done was vitals and shoved him into wheel chair & wheeled him off to the scheduled transfusion - but his life during that time consisted of side effect 95% of them he did not want to do anything but come home go to bed get up to eat & bathroom would not get out of house except for Dr. visits 🙁 he would go once a month to Walmart with me but sit in the car because i refused to leave him home alone In Aug. 2017 Medicare refused to pay for it because his EPO was to high - he snapped back to basically normal self getting up wanting to eat etc. The transfusion just finally failed to do any good like said 8 in the last 5 weeks and 2 being on day he died with bag of plasma... Those last weeks were the hot humid weather too and he was having a hard time breathing....
The last 2 years was not "quality of life" and he was miserable; was un-happy that he could not do what he use to be able to do, seeing me do things he should be doing and bitching about it I did not mind I knew he was unable to do as he was once able to do... who would with not making blood and operating at basically 1/2 of capacity normal count should of been 12 at the lowest to 16.
You take care of yourself and prayers that things get better.
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1 ReactionHello reibur1951. Almost sounds like a disease that my #3 Son has. Doc's give him xx, but no pain pills. He hurts about one hour of his medicine. disease is called "Jak2) and can turn into leukemia. So takes the medicine and then within 30 minutes he is sweating so bad and the pain is just hi. I have to hide my pain pills. I have two kinds of cancer. One is just plain old cancer, othe is mesotelioma. I have received information that medicare will not pay for my blood work or chemo. I have lost my husband of 67 years and my #2 son has just lost his wife with lung cancer. His first wife died of melanomah. I am almost at the end of all stress stuff. I just can't take any more. I am 85 and am trying to live as as quite as possible. (Just not Happening.) These last months have been so stressful, I just don't know, what to do if any thing. It's hard. Nancy shortshot.
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1 ReactionNancy shortshot, I am profoundly saddened for you. I truly cannot imagine your physical and emotional pain. The stress must seem unbearable. You must be an incredible woman! May you feel God’s love and presence today.
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1 ReactionYeah probably is he was also diagnosed as JAK2 V617F Mutant but that was never fully explained and I am not sure if it was fully delt with unless it was via the blood transfusions; the Aransep he was badgered into with the attitude "side effects be dam" never listened to him really did not examine him during the office calls maybe once or twice but never fully like i said he had 95% of the side effects and the longer he was on it the worse he was getting it never brought the blood count up as we were told it was to do during that 8 months it transfusions every 2 weeks at some points after he was able to stretch to 3 weeks occasionally after Medicare refused to pay for it tried to put him on a 28 day pill REVLIMID® (lenalidomide) its side effects mimicked the Aransep plus said it effected he heart rhythm - he already had A-Fib since 2009 when he had heart valve replacement & minor artery bypass at the same time plus is had another side effect a skin disease that could cause peeling of the skin and send you to a burn center bottom line on the teaching sheet was it may cause Anemia and you may have blood transfusions it was like WTF the medication is very costly - besides the motto is you do no more harm than already is there or been done when I asked for explanation of side effects that's when I got told I did not give a dam only about money I was nice i bit my tongue and i have no teeth and kept my mouth shut The Aransep also effected the heart rate and the whole entire 8 months he was in out of A-Fib Mar/April 2017 he gave him Prednisone (steroid) because he was not eating and sleeping - he went into instant foot edema and would not listen or address the issue he could not even get regular shoes on - on May 16th 2017 he finally put him on a water pill but I had to ask him if he was going to do anything about the feet swelling (they were near 3 times normal size) as he walked out of the exam room the following Monday 22nd he had his regular primary care dr appointment - his feet were still swollen 2-3 times; he was in A-fib at 135+ we came home and Dr. called via his nurse and said if no better by mid-afternoon to get him to ER I told him figured it would be battle I came in here just had sat down & his son told me his dad was in truck ready to go to ER!!!! He spent a week in Intensive care, they pumped gallons of water off him, had to changed his A-Fib medication and he was in or as near as you could get to Congestive Heart Failure (that was one of the diagnostic codes used for billing) Nothing was never talked/explained he loved analogies - I told the ICU floor dr. about it and looked at him and told him I was not blond/dumb/stupid nor a 6 year old kid and analogy talked did not cut it (he about lost it) he must of told him what I said as he cut the crap out for a while but did have a tendency to go back int to
Sorry most of this was /is over in the other discussion group - but this is where I have come from - besides my mother and her sister were registered nurses and I am an ex-EMT
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1 Reaction@shortshot Hi Nancy,
I've been thinking about you. How are you doing?
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1 ReactionI recently went to a funeral for a friend at our church and as much as I really hate going to funerals, this funeral was uplifting. I am always at a loss for words and was stumbling for words when his wife just gave me a hug and said don't worry there are no words that help. Her husband's name was Will and the pastor shared a poem that was appropriate for Will. The man was a jack of all trades and a master of everything. His daughter shared the story of traveling to visit relatives in another state and on their way home they stopped to eat at a McDonald's. When they went to leave the van wouldn't start, just sat and grind away. It was a Sunday afternoon, small town, and Will was determined to fix it. He replaced a blown head gasket in the parking lot of the McDonalds. Everyone got a chuckle when she said "When there is a Will, there is a way". That kind of sums up what kind of man he was.
Princes & Kings
Isn't it strange how princes and kings,
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
and common people, like you and me,
are builders for eternity?
Each is given a list of rules;
a shapeless mass; a bag of tools.
And each must fashion, ere life is flown,
A stumbling block, or a Stepping-Stone.”
― R. Lee Sharpe
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2 Reactions@johnbishop Thanks for sharing that great story and poem. Will sounds like my dad. He seemed to be able to fix and do anything!
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2 ReactionsSept 12, Hi Teresa, Things have sorta slowed down to a lower roar! Last Monday 10th) turned out to be a fairly nice day. This last week my washing machine decided to not pump the water out so have had to purchase another. Think this one is at least 15 years plus, so I've not lost anything. Just about 9 days of wash to do. I can do that is several loads after my grandson picks up the washer and bring it home for me. So should get the washer today, hope so anyway. Along with that it started to rain this morning and everything is all wet. Haven"t had a real rain since at least last April. So it was due to have a good soaking. Started to tell you that the local Elk's club held a dinner for "Widow's " and I was invited to attend. So I called them and told them I would be delighted to attend, however I am unable to drive anymore, and could someone pick me up. Lady called back next day and told me she had located a gentleman who would come get me, and then after the dinner, bring me home. Couple of my boys weren't too excited for me to go with some one we didn't know, but I just told them that I would be ok and so that cooled them off a little bit. The dining room was decorated very nice and with flowers on all the tables.
Would I like to have something to drink. By all means, that would be just great. I sat at a table with three other ladies, visited with them and had a very nice time. Dinner was Chicken with some ham in it with potatoes, gravey, rolls, carrots mixed with squash and spices. Strawberry shortcake for desert.. The gentleman who picked me up knew one of my sons and one of my grandsons. I live about 25 miles from the Elks Club and we had a nice conversation going both ways. The evening was just great and yesterday I sent a email to our local newspaper, telling about the invite/dinner and a public thank you to the Elks. Over the years when a "club/business or whatever" I would always write a note to the newspaper and voice my thanks. I think that was a very nice gesture for a business / club to do.
My #2 Son is having a really bad time after the death of his wife couple weeks ago. Next Spring sometime is when the service for her will be. Hopefully by then things will be somewhat better for him. Prayers for the family would be nice. Thanks Teresa for listening. It really helps to be able to "talk". and get some relief from stress. Nancy shortshot:
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2 Reactions@shortshot Oh Nancy,
I am so thrilled that you had such a nice evening! That is just great and also very thoughtful of your to write to the newspaper and let them know about it. I agree that when organizations go the extra-mile to help others, they should be recognized. A very nice gesture on your part.
I'm so glad to hear that life is settling down for you. You could use a break. You have had such a difficult year so far. Hopefully the end of the year will be more peaceful.
I can just imagine how your son is feeling after the loss of his wife, especially after the loss of his dad, just a few months previous to that. When loss experiences multiply over a short period of time it can certainly be overwhelming.
You and your family certainly have my prayers and good wishes.
I so appreciate you keeping in touch with me, Nancy!
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