Long-term depression

@amberpep, hi Abby, it's good to hear from you. Yeah, i think im better on that front. Still have the aching heart lonliness. Since i dont see anyone in my future? But i still have the longing for someone special, and i miss that kind of love and caring.. I remember some of our parting words i used to ask my ex if he would make me some jnstant oatmeal sometimes in the morning because of the pain in my legs, and sometimes i would stand behind him when he was at his desk working on the bills, and i would rub his neck, shoulders, and wherever i could reach. One time i did that and after, he went and lay down in bed and cried. He said he didnt know why and i told him he had a lot of stress and tension he was carrying in his neck and shoulders and crying was getting rid of it. I guess i did a pretty good job that day. Well to thank me for that, one of our discussions went like this, "you treat me like a servant , oh you mean because i sometimes ask for oatmeal in the am? He said yes. I asked him, was i treating you like a servant all those times i rubbed your neck and shoulders? No, and that was that." As i walked out the door he was crying really hard and called me the love of his life. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Why didn't he ever say something like that before?
To this day i still dont understand him. Oh Abby, im sorry for bending your ear. Sometimes j look back over my life and i feel like such a failure and i made so many mistakes. I'll close for now. Take care of yourself Abby. The world is a better place with you in it. Judy

What a beautiful lily. I love daylilies and used to buy 2 whenever we went on vacation as a remembrance of that vacation. I had all sorts of colors ... they were gorgeous and I loved them, that is IF the deer didn't eat the flowers right before they opened!!!
Your story of being blamed for your father's suicide is heartbreaking. I don't know how any parent in their right mind could possibly do that to a child. Those are the things that hang on, even with age. I've got some also ... my mother always threatened she was going to pack my bag, put it on the porch, and some day when I came home from school, I'd just have to go live somewhere else. I was 7. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to realize that was her problem, not mine, but I still feel the scars from it even though I've been through many years of therapy. I'm so very sorry you had to hear that ...... I don't know what to say about your mother ..... it's just too difficult to even imagine her doing that to you. Remember ..... you DID NOT make the choice to do that ...... your father MADE HIS OWN CHOICE and was fully responsible for it.
Blessings,
abby

@amberpep I was 24 when my father made the choice he did and I honestly do not know how he made it a little past 25 years. I have worked on trying to stop her words and even though she died 5 years ago her recantations still strike me. She had to have been a sick woman. She could control her behavior and that was always confusing. Stuff happens. I do not understand why some people are so mean. I know it always got my mom what she wanted so I presume some do what works for them.

glad you enjoyed the Day Lily...the rabbits did in my purple cone flowers this year...lazy little rodents. The Rudbeckia are in all of their glory.

Abby: @amberpep

A very insightful comment! Teresa

@parus

Thank you for your note and kind words - once again your words are so descriptive, "not groveling in the murky past," "maudlin mush" and "so insurmountable the wall, doth, at times seem." I can hear the poetry in your words and I appreciate it!

Teresa

Scott, @IndianaScott

Beautiful! Thanks for thinking of us and bringing us along with you as you walked and sharing this lovely picture - you must have enjoyed the walk!

Teresa

dany, you're not a failure by any means. You had the courage to get out of a bad situation, and even though it's painful, you know somehow that it would be better for you in the long run ..... you are NOT a failure .... he is. I laugh at this now, even though it is far from funny, but all the years we were married, he never did anything for Mother's Day. One time when the kids were in their teens, I asked him about that and he taciturnly said, "well, you're not my mother!" I cannot even imagine saying that to him or anyone else. The kids sat at the table like their eyes were going to fall out of their head. I wanted to say "so what are these people sitting at the table? just pet animals?" Life was filled with things like that and I just swallowed and took it. But, then as my therapist says, "Good Suzy went away and her sassy sister took over." LOVED IT! Once I realized I was a person with rights too, despite his attitude, he was not about to get away with any of that garbage anymore. Now, we get along well enough to have a holiday meal with our 3 adult kids, but I think he's a bit shocked at the changes in me ... no longer the conservative, navy blue only, perfect person ..... on no ..... I'm sassy, I wear 3" hoops in my ears, and I have the front of my hair colored dark blue and purple ... the rest is blonde. I love it and feel really good about it.
You're going to get there dany, you really are ..... just keep remembering that you are a woman with rights, he does not own you, and the things you do for him are a show of generosity on your part .... something I doubt he always deserves.
Take care my friend,
abby

I relate to this post so i thought I'd offer my view. I disagree with hanging on to where you are by seeing professionals and/or support groups. Unfotunately, you need to take larger leaps. I agree that the best thing you can do to make your life worth living, is to help others. Simple little things go a long way, as we are losing the humanity. Careful not to go to extremes that are beyond resonable duties to feel good (i.e. fostering a child) .The more you do, the more natural it becomes and it spreads. In addition, now you need the big change. You need to step out of your comfort zone. Start a new life...something you're not familiar with and have to learn, whether that be career, hobby, sport, etc. This will open you up to a new group of people (friends, aquaintences, coworkers, teammates, etc. These are new lives and stories...and your old stories are new to them. Time to make some new memories for five years from now! I hope this helps someone.

Iam concerned about your statement that you cant take antidepressants because of the medication you have to take for afib. I urge you to get in touch with a good doctor that knows about drug interactions. There are drugs that you can take for depression that can be taken with anti afib. I have SVT...supraventricular tachycardia and take antidepressants. If this is the reason you arnt taking antidepressants, please contact your doctor.

liz ..... thank you so much for your reply. You are an inspiration to us all. I am 72 and, truthfully, once I turned 70, I immediately felt like I had a sign on my back that said "old." I'm in good health, except for having a knee replacement, go to the wellness center for exercises, live in an apartment which is a mixed community, have 2 cats and I want to get another dog - I had to put mine down a year ago. I was living in another state, in my own condo, with wonderful neighbors, everything familiar and "home" .... my kids hounded me for years to move closer to them, so after 5 years I did. I think it was a mistake. Up there I felt younger, free, my own person, and I had been there for over 30 years. I left all that behind. I think it contributes greatly to feeling "old." I do take medications for depression and also Lamictal for cyclothymia. The Lamictal gives me what they call "essential tremors" so for that I take propanalol.
Thank you so much for your inspiring message to all of us. I know I really need to hear that, more and more.
abby