Long-term depression

Posted by anniep @anniep, Mar 8, 2017

New to the group; would like to ask how others find something to look forward to in life? At my age, there’s nothing to hope for, except death. I am a born-again Christian, so I know there is an escape from the physical pain and limitations brought on by illness, and escape from daily depression and motivation to continue. I try to remain active and do have interests, but sometimes the depression is too much. I have also realized when others say they care, etc., there truly is no one who means what they say. It’s “We care, so long as you just keep doing your job here, but don’t bother me – but we love you!” I’m old enough to know this is not true, but a method to keep a warm body in a position to get a job done. One of my 92 year old neighbors happily moves along, although she tells me almost all her friends are gone, etc. I can’t ask her what motivates her. How do others have hope for anything after their families are gone and there is nothing else?

@anniegk

This is my third depression in the last 19 years. This round is definitely the worst. I have been battling depression and terrible Anxiety for almost 10 months. Some one told me along the way that it gets worse the older you get. I really hope i can get through this one. At the age of 71 it is scary. Iam lucky as i have my husband, daughter, and grandaughter close to me. I feel bad because i have so much to be thankful for and this depression and anxiety just drags me down. I also have trouble tolerating some of the drugs that would really help me. One of my antidepressants i have been on for 9 years. Its not working like it should and it use to really work good. I find i also think alot about death and dying too. My best friend killed herself and i felt terrible because i couldnt stop her. I could never put my family through that but sometimes you just think about it. Than another thing i think about is what if you screwed up your attempt to take your life, and you ended up a half living person that everyone had to take care of. That scares me too. Its nice to talk to someone my age.

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I would not ever discuss how I truly feel with my family. They only see the sunny side of me as they nor anyone else needs to know about how I truly feel. I can present very well with “smiling depression”.

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@hopeful33250

@parus I am so sorry that you were ever made to feel responsible for your father’s choices, that was not at all fair nor correct. Your picture is lovely, thanks for sharing some beauty with us all!
Teresa

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Thought of this conversation when I was out walking this morning! Wild in the woods and I have no idea what it is beside pretty!

flower Pallino

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@hopeful33250

@parus I appreciate your words but also your pictures! Where “words fail” pictures often tell a story and your photo is a lovely one. I suspect that your favorite photos or pictures are probably of nature, is that right? Teresa

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@hopeful33250 Thank you…a minor in English and not a teacher…more of a poet and artist. I am focusing on being more accepting of my own limitations and not groveling in the murky past. Indeed a challenge. As is true of others, as I read here, physical limitations can pull forcibly on self esteem and and at times (too often) I find myself in maudlin mush. Self pity gets this new member no where and as I have stated afore, depression is a liar. So easily come the words, so insurmountable the wall, doth, at times seem.

Thank you for the time and effort you put forth.

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@hopeful33250

@parus I am so sorry that you were ever made to feel responsible for your father’s choices, that was not at all fair nor correct. Your picture is lovely, thanks for sharing some beauty with us all!
Teresa

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Beautiful … I love wildflowers. Back in our house, when I was still married, I had 3 wildflower gardens. I loved them …. I had VA bluebells, trillium, wild ginger, Lenten rose and all sorts of things. It’s a beautiful blue color, just like spiderwort. Thanks for sharing that …. makes me feel good.
abby

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@danybegood1

@shoregal, i w just like to get a potting bench but it sounds like too much of an expense to buy on my own decision. I live with my grown kids. Im sorry to hear about everyone’s depression. I too have been depressed since 2006 when my divorce went through. I didnt want it. Anyway, we just need to hang on and hope for something good. Love, Judy (Dany) hi everyone

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Hi Dany ….. I totally understand about your lingering depression after your divorce. I was the same way for well over 10 years. I’m better now, but after 40 years you don’t just walk away and poof … it’s over. I guess some people do, but not most. During that time, more than once my therapist pulled me off the ledge, if you get my drift. It’s a hard thing to go through, at least for most caring people. I felt as though I’d been “thrown away.” You probably get what I’m saying. But, slowly the heaviness begins to lift – very slowly – and now I’m doing pretty well. In fact, I’ve found “me” and not my X’s clone. Take care …. you’re going to make it … trust me.
abby

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@amberpep, hi Abby, it’s good to hear from you. Yeah, i think im better on that front. Still have the aching heart lonliness. Since i dont see anyone in my future? But i still have the longing for someone special, and i miss that kind of love and caring.. I remember some of our parting words i used to ask my ex if he would make me some jnstant oatmeal sometimes in the morning because of the pain in my legs, and sometimes i would stand behind him when he was at his desk working on the bills, and i would rub his neck, shoulders, and wherever i could reach. One time i did that and after, he went and lay down in bed and cried. He said he didnt know why and i told him he had a lot of stress and tension he was carrying in his neck and shoulders and crying was getting rid of it. I guess i did a pretty good job that day. Well to thank me for that, one of our discussions went like this, “you treat me like a servant , oh you mean because i sometimes ask for oatmeal in the am? He said yes. I asked him, was i treating you like a servant all those times i rubbed your neck and shoulders? No, and that was that.” As i walked out the door he was crying really hard and called me the love of his life. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Why didn’t he ever say something like that before?
To this day i still dont understand him. Oh Abby, im sorry for bending your ear. Sometimes j look back over my life and i feel like such a failure and i made so many mistakes. I’ll close for now. Take care of yourself Abby. The world is a better place with you in it. Judy

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@parus

@anniegk I am not so far behind as I am 65. Being a survivor of suicide is tough. My father used an ounce of lead to his head-my mother blamed me in front of others when I was told to go in an comfort her. What more can I say? I know what this type of thing did to me and I would not to do the same to my 3 adult children and then ask myself what difference does it make as I am of little use to them and, yes, depression is a liar. I know the guilt I have carried all of these years and would not want my children to carry this kind of pain even though I think about it and I don’t want to either.

I will agree that depression does worsen with age…

Thank you for sharing. I live alone, but can still drive and walk. Could be worse is what I remind myself often.

I enjoy green and growing things as long as they are not in my frig.

I know the flowers help me and they appreciate all I do for them. I will share some of my smiling faces.

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What a beautiful lily. I love daylilies and used to buy 2 whenever we went on vacation as a remembrance of that vacation. I had all sorts of colors … they were gorgeous and I loved them, that is IF the deer didn’t eat the flowers right before they opened!!!
Your story of being blamed for your father’s suicide is heartbreaking. I don’t know how any parent in their right mind could possibly do that to a child. Those are the things that hang on, even with age. I’ve got some also … my mother always threatened she was going to pack my bag, put it on the porch, and some day when I came home from school, I’d just have to go live somewhere else. I was 7. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to realize that was her problem, not mine, but I still feel the scars from it even though I’ve been through many years of therapy. I’m so very sorry you had to hear that …… I don’t know what to say about your mother ….. it’s just too difficult to even imagine her doing that to you. Remember ….. you DID NOT make the choice to do that …… your father MADE HIS OWN CHOICE and was fully responsible for it.
Blessings,
abby

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@parus

@anniegk I am not so far behind as I am 65. Being a survivor of suicide is tough. My father used an ounce of lead to his head-my mother blamed me in front of others when I was told to go in an comfort her. What more can I say? I know what this type of thing did to me and I would not to do the same to my 3 adult children and then ask myself what difference does it make as I am of little use to them and, yes, depression is a liar. I know the guilt I have carried all of these years and would not want my children to carry this kind of pain even though I think about it and I don’t want to either.

I will agree that depression does worsen with age…

Thank you for sharing. I live alone, but can still drive and walk. Could be worse is what I remind myself often.

I enjoy green and growing things as long as they are not in my frig.

I know the flowers help me and they appreciate all I do for them. I will share some of my smiling faces.

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@amberpep I was 24 when my father made the choice he did and I honestly do not know how he made it a little past 25 years. I have worked on trying to stop her words and even though she died 5 years ago her recantations still strike me. She had to have been a sick woman. She could control her behavior and that was always confusing. Stuff happens. I do not understand why some people are so mean. I know it always got my mom what she wanted so I presume some do what works for them.

glad you enjoyed the Day Lily…the rabbits did in my purple cone flowers this year…lazy little rodents. The Rudbeckia are in all of their glory.

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@parus

@anniegk I am not so far behind as I am 65. Being a survivor of suicide is tough. My father used an ounce of lead to his head-my mother blamed me in front of others when I was told to go in an comfort her. What more can I say? I know what this type of thing did to me and I would not to do the same to my 3 adult children and then ask myself what difference does it make as I am of little use to them and, yes, depression is a liar. I know the guilt I have carried all of these years and would not want my children to carry this kind of pain even though I think about it and I don’t want to either.

I will agree that depression does worsen with age…

Thank you for sharing. I live alone, but can still drive and walk. Could be worse is what I remind myself often.

I enjoy green and growing things as long as they are not in my frig.

I know the flowers help me and they appreciate all I do for them. I will share some of my smiling faces.

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Abby: @amberpep

A very insightful comment! Teresa

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@hopeful33250

@parus I appreciate your words but also your pictures! Where “words fail” pictures often tell a story and your photo is a lovely one. I suspect that your favorite photos or pictures are probably of nature, is that right? Teresa

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@parus

Thank you for your note and kind words – once again your words are so descriptive, “not groveling in the murky past,” “maudlin mush” and “so insurmountable the wall, doth, at times seem.” I can hear the poetry in your words and I appreciate it!

Teresa

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@hopeful33250

@parus I am so sorry that you were ever made to feel responsible for your father’s choices, that was not at all fair nor correct. Your picture is lovely, thanks for sharing some beauty with us all!
Teresa

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Scott, @IndianaScott

Beautiful! Thanks for thinking of us and bringing us along with you as you walked and sharing this lovely picture – you must have enjoyed the walk!

Teresa

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@danybegood1

@amberpep, hi Abby, it’s good to hear from you. Yeah, i think im better on that front. Still have the aching heart lonliness. Since i dont see anyone in my future? But i still have the longing for someone special, and i miss that kind of love and caring.. I remember some of our parting words i used to ask my ex if he would make me some jnstant oatmeal sometimes in the morning because of the pain in my legs, and sometimes i would stand behind him when he was at his desk working on the bills, and i would rub his neck, shoulders, and wherever i could reach. One time i did that and after, he went and lay down in bed and cried. He said he didnt know why and i told him he had a lot of stress and tension he was carrying in his neck and shoulders and crying was getting rid of it. I guess i did a pretty good job that day. Well to thank me for that, one of our discussions went like this, “you treat me like a servant , oh you mean because i sometimes ask for oatmeal in the am? He said yes. I asked him, was i treating you like a servant all those times i rubbed your neck and shoulders? No, and that was that.” As i walked out the door he was crying really hard and called me the love of his life. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Why didn’t he ever say something like that before?
To this day i still dont understand him. Oh Abby, im sorry for bending your ear. Sometimes j look back over my life and i feel like such a failure and i made so many mistakes. I’ll close for now. Take care of yourself Abby. The world is a better place with you in it. Judy

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dany, you’re not a failure by any means. You had the courage to get out of a bad situation, and even though it’s painful, you know somehow that it would be better for you in the long run ….. you are NOT a failure …. he is. I laugh at this now, even though it is far from funny, but all the years we were married, he never did anything for Mother’s Day. One time when the kids were in their teens, I asked him about that and he taciturnly said, “well, you’re not my mother!” I cannot even imagine saying that to him or anyone else. The kids sat at the table like their eyes were going to fall out of their head. I wanted to say “so what are these people sitting at the table? just pet animals?” Life was filled with things like that and I just swallowed and took it. But, then as my therapist says, “Good Suzy went away and her sassy sister took over.” LOVED IT! Once I realized I was a person with rights too, despite his attitude, he was not about to get away with any of that garbage anymore. Now, we get along well enough to have a holiday meal with our 3 adult kids, but I think he’s a bit shocked at the changes in me … no longer the conservative, navy blue only, perfect person ….. on no ….. I’m sassy, I wear 3″ hoops in my ears, and I have the front of my hair colored dark blue and purple … the rest is blonde. I love it and feel really good about it.
You’re going to get there dany, you really are ….. just keep remembering that you are a woman with rights, he does not own you, and the things you do for him are a show of generosity on your part …. something I doubt he always deserves.
Take care my friend,
abby

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@tamara1967

@anniep, you didnt say how old you are, before or after retirement? Married?

I have been rediagnosed recently with atypical depression. I have pushed about everyone away in my life. Rejection hits me hard, ive gained over 60 pounds. My husband of 25 years wants a divorce because he thinks I’ll never get better. I had to take leave of abscence from my teaching job, my 2 grandkids whom i adore drive me crazy if they are here more than an hour. My 4 kids are grown, they call or text now and then but its always about them.
Btw i am 50 this June. I dont know how to go on either. I have been to the ER for panic attacks also and have a weekly counselor and monthly psychiatrist. I still feel like what is left? Why get up? My husband got me a dog as he travels some, but its just more work. Im exhausted and have no plans for a future, except alone and lonely. I dont even go to church anymore i just cant get up to go face fake people. I am not suicidal if anyone wonders.

I agree people say if theres anything you need let us know….i haven’t heard from Anyone since leaving work 5 months ago! And no one from church has called to find out where i went.

I had a great life, i dont know where it went?

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I relate to this post so i thought I’d offer my view. I disagree with hanging on to where you are by seeing professionals and/or support groups. Unfotunately, you need to take larger leaps. I agree that the best thing you can do to make your life worth living, is to help others. Simple little things go a long way, as we are losing the humanity. Careful not to go to extremes that are beyond resonable duties to feel good (i.e. fostering a child) .The more you do, the more natural it becomes and it spreads. In addition, now you need the big change. You need to step out of your comfort zone. Start a new life…something you’re not familiar with and have to learn, whether that be career, hobby, sport, etc. This will open you up to a new group of people (friends, aquaintences, coworkers, teammates, etc. These are new lives and stories…and your old stories are new to them. Time to make some new memories for five years from now! I hope this helps someone.

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@tamara1967

@anniep, you didnt say how old you are, before or after retirement? Married?

I have been rediagnosed recently with atypical depression. I have pushed about everyone away in my life. Rejection hits me hard, ive gained over 60 pounds. My husband of 25 years wants a divorce because he thinks I’ll never get better. I had to take leave of abscence from my teaching job, my 2 grandkids whom i adore drive me crazy if they are here more than an hour. My 4 kids are grown, they call or text now and then but its always about them.
Btw i am 50 this June. I dont know how to go on either. I have been to the ER for panic attacks also and have a weekly counselor and monthly psychiatrist. I still feel like what is left? Why get up? My husband got me a dog as he travels some, but its just more work. Im exhausted and have no plans for a future, except alone and lonely. I dont even go to church anymore i just cant get up to go face fake people. I am not suicidal if anyone wonders.

I agree people say if theres anything you need let us know….i haven’t heard from Anyone since leaving work 5 months ago! And no one from church has called to find out where i went.

I had a great life, i dont know where it went?

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Iam concerned about your statement that you cant take antidepressants because of the medication you have to take for afib. I urge you to get in touch with a good doctor that knows about drug interactions. There are drugs that you can take for depression that can be taken with anti afib. I have SVT…supraventricular tachycardia and take antidepressants. If this is the reason you arnt taking antidepressants, please contact your doctor.

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liz ….. thank you so much for your reply. You are an inspiration to us all. I am 72 and, truthfully, once I turned 70, I immediately felt like I had a sign on my back that said “old.” I’m in good health, except for having a knee replacement, go to the wellness center for exercises, live in an apartment which is a mixed community, have 2 cats and I want to get another dog – I had to put mine down a year ago. I was living in another state, in my own condo, with wonderful neighbors, everything familiar and “home” …. my kids hounded me for years to move closer to them, so after 5 years I did. I think it was a mistake. Up there I felt younger, free, my own person, and I had been there for over 30 years. I left all that behind. I think it contributes greatly to feeling “old.” I do take medications for depression and also Lamictal for cyclothymia. The Lamictal gives me what they call “essential tremors” so for that I take propanalol.
Thank you so much for your inspiring message to all of us. I know I really need to hear that, more and more.
abby

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