Down in the dumps again – challenges with adult children

Posted by kdo0827 @kdo0827, Dec 27, 2018

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I started taking Cymbalta and got off the other stuff. I was doing better but the past 2 months or so not so good. I’m struggling with feeling invisible and I’m feeling very unappreciated. I feel my kids only call when they want something or have a problem. They never ask how I’m feeling nor do they try and help. I had a procedure done yesterday and neither one bothered to check on me. Adding this to my depression isn’t good. Do any of you have these same feelings about your kids?What should I do?

@afrobin

Personally, I would feel that I am a burden if I depend on my children to ferry me to appointments and run errands for me and take care of my affairs etc… I want to be independent and self reliant as much as possible. I have family and friends who are at their wits end taking care of their aging family members and I don't want to be what I call 'a burden' on my children.

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@afrobin When you talk about not being a burden, I know exactly what you mean. I feel that I can be a burden on my husband who already does so much for me. I then ask some of the women in the dog park if they would drop me off at the doctors office. Some have even volunteered! I do small things for them when I can , so it sort of evens out.
I used to tell my oldest som, when he would drive an hour out of his way after work to visit his grandfather in the hospital, that he could look back and have no regrets-he had done the right thing. Don’t worry about asking your kids! Do something in return if you can. Let them know you’d never ask if you could do for yourself.
My sisters have asked why I don’t use Uber—maybe I should!

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Sure do not want be a burden either . Know what you mean.

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@parus

@becsbuddy Stay with us and we can be encouraging. We all need it at times. Mine requires constant maintenance. I may need to visit the chocolate factory though.

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Ok folks field trip!!! Chocolate factory anyone ?

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@654321 I’ll go!. How far? Chocolate is a cure-all!

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@parus

@kdo0827 When I hear others talk about taking a walk will solve depression I can get irritated because not everyone can take a walk. I can say that taking a walk has not fixed things. I think when others state thus they do not mean it literally. It does come across as flippant at times. Do agree with you though. Think a walk can cure attitudes??

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It definitely irritates me too. They assume you sit around and mope and complain all the time! They assume you don’t do anything but I would assume most of us do get out, volunteer or try to do something. Depression is due to a chemical imbalance so taking a walk isn’t the cure, nor is reading a book! I’m truly trying, I just need some compassion and help.

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@parus

@hopeful33250 Oh my we certainly do. I have started to realize I am the only one to adjust my attitude as there is no one else to do so. I am guilty of groveling in my own gravy at times.

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Graveling in gravy is cute

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@parus

Hey y’all I need all of the help I can get!! I have been reading some insightful, encouraging and,oh yes, humorous comments. We can all have our moments. I know I have!! I did teach my children to be respectful of the boundaries of others and by golly they did listen. I know I started feeling better when I ceased all the worrying about them. I know I don’t want them worrying about me. Hey we have succeeded in more ways than we realize.

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So true !

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@kdo0827

It definitely irritates me too. They assume you sit around and mope and complain all the time! They assume you don’t do anything but I would assume most of us do get out, volunteer or try to do something. Depression is due to a chemical imbalance so taking a walk isn’t the cure, nor is reading a book! I’m truly trying, I just need some compassion and help.

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We are quite an intelligent group so hang in there and chat when the gravy needs stirring.

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So true, @654321, if you don't keep stirring the gravy it just becomes inedible😂

Liked by lioness

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@kanaazpereira

I absolutely agree that we should try and create a full life that doesn’t revolve around our children – after all, didn’t someone say that the quickest way to get your child’s attention is to sit down, relax and look comfortable?
But that’s much easier said than done, especially with depression. "Depression" is simply a label which really tells us nothing about the who/what/when/why of depression. There’s no life hack or “10 easy steps” to deal with it; Being “strong” or trying new medication or a new psychiatrist doesn’t make it go away. Each person deals with depression in their own way, and I have to say this – I have deep admiration for all of you for being members on Connect, because it means you’re here to read, to share, to take care of yourself and to help others.

I’ve been blessed with 3 great kids, who are beautiful, decent, responsible (most of the time) people. But, as a mother, I’ve come to realize that it’s an art to raise kids! Having kids can be a joy, a challenge, a pain in the…, a miracle, and it takes tremendous strength to be a parent – and we realize this only when children grow up and no longer depend on us!

The irony is that they are only doing what we’ve taught them to do. We teach them to respect others’ space, to not intrude; we teach them to be assertive, to speak-up; as parents, we impose our need for “readiness” on them, or we try to make sure that they know what they want to do for the rest of their lives…at the age of 18! We tell them to “get a life” and yet we feel replaced, hurt, irrelevant when they are leading their own lives and are adults with their own ideas, or when they tell us they need “space” – instead of saying Thank You – at least I do:)

I’ve (reluctantly) realized that my daughter is no longer fascinated by a graphic description of some event – but perhaps my friends are:) And just because my son doesn’t “check-in” with a text or a phone call regularly, doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me – what’s going on in the college library (or he wants me to believe he’s in the ‘library’) is so much more urgent than what’s going on with his parents!
Now, when I complain about how supportive we’ve been, given them what they need, sacrificed for them, I’ve heard at least one of them mumble “Martyr Alert!!”

When people say, "To understand a parent's love you must raise children yourself,” they may be onto something; I catch myself hoping that someday my children will have lots of kids of their own…who behave exactly like their parents did:)

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Perfectly said!!!

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@kdo0827

It definitely irritates me too. They assume you sit around and mope and complain all the time! They assume you don’t do anything but I would assume most of us do get out, volunteer or try to do something. Depression is due to a chemical imbalance so taking a walk isn’t the cure, nor is reading a book! I’m truly trying, I just need some compassion and help.

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@kdo0827 I can understand in many ways how it can feel frustrating when you are trying. I don’t believe anyone is invalidating your efforts. I hear you on needing some help. Being presented with a long list of suggestions can be overwhelming. I have times I just cannot get motivated. I ponder things I enjoy, things I need to do-still nothing inspires me to do anything. I am not lazy and get upset with myself when I lack the energy to find even one teeny-tiny reason to move. This is where I want to scream because nothing seems to work. We are here to share the good, the bad and the ugly and lend a hand where we can. You are here telling us about how it is and that is a start. At times nothing seems to help and it is NOT because we are wallowing in self pity. I hope I made some sense.

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@becsbuddy

@654321 I’ll go!. How far? Chocolate is a cure-all!

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@becsbuddy And all other chocolate lovers-Ghiradelli 100% Cocoa definitely helps.

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@654321

Ok folks field trip!!! Chocolate factory anyone ?

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Willy Wonka here I come!!

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Love it ! This has been a wonderful day . Fun and helpful . Thanks for getting it started Parus.

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@hopeful33250

You are right about that, @parus. Sometimes groveling in gravy feels good for a time but it does get old quite quickly – on to better days ahead.

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@hopeful33250 Definitely!!! Nite, nite.

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