Down in the dumps again – challenges with adult children

Posted by kdo0827 @kdo0827, Dec 27, 2018

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I started taking Cymbalta and got off the other stuff. I was doing better but the past 2 months or so not so good. I’m struggling with feeling invisible and I’m feeling very unappreciated. I feel my kids only call when they want something or have a problem. They never ask how I’m feeling nor do they try and help. I had a procedure done yesterday and neither one bothered to check on me. Adding this to my depression isn’t good. Do any of you have these same feelings about your kids?What should I do?

@afrobin

A pill and prayer are not going to make your children and grandchildren reunite with you. Read the post above and get out and get involved in LIFE. As hard as it might be at first…do for others. Volunteer. Enrich your life with activities. You want to be considered a positive ray of sunshine in the lives of your family and others. Take it one step at a time with your children and offer to babysit or go for a coffee and bring little gifts or their favourite dessert from childhood. People want to be around those who are not mopey, passive and needy. Be strong and independent. Smile! And this way you will be an influence on them as they might be depressed.
I am a senior and I attend 2 Italian classes per week (I am not Italian) and one German class (I am not German.). I volunteer for 4 organizations. I cook soups for my 80+ sister in law who is not well. I am organizing old family videos and photos. I get out and do photography on occasion. I try to travel somewhere once a year. I send a young, African asylum seeker to English school and I help him find his way in this new, scary world for him. I babysit my granddaughter and cook dishes they like when I have time. I could go on and on. Bottom line: Get involved in life and make yourself interesting. And be cheerful and positive. Good luck!

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Even though I cannot get out and do the things I hear others share about I do my best to be a little sunshine when I get the opportunity. I do struggle with physical and mental issues. We are all different with varying capabilities which could be considered wallowing in our shortcomings. I endeavor not to do so and be content with what I can do.

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@parus

Even though I cannot get out and do the things I hear others share about I do my best to be a little sunshine when I get the opportunity. I do struggle with physical and mental issues. We are all different with varying capabilities which could be considered wallowing in our shortcomings. I endeavor not to do so and be content with what I can do.

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@parus you are so right something that is good for one isn't for another we are all different but Its The Try ,you try
that counts some people can't but when you look at bedridden people who can't but are happy ☺anyhow then we really don't have anything to complain about .Maybe its just how we are wired .

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@afrobin

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Are you getting help from a psychologist? If you attend church, ask God for help and your minister or priest.
Could it be that your children don't want to be around a depressing, complaining mother? Maybe they will come around if you do things for them; take them out for lunch, have a spa day with them, make them a container of soup or spaghetti sauce make them a photo book of their childhood. offer to baby or pet sit when they are busy etc.. And get out and do things; walking, cycling, kayaking, travelling even if it's only to visit an old friend, taking a course, knitting, volunteering, gardening, trying vegetarian recipes, supporting a cause etc.. Enrich your own life. They will soon be saying, "Where's Mum? She's always off doing something.".
The app What's App has brought our family of 3 adult children and us, their parents much closer. On almost a daily basis we leave short messages wishing them a good day, asking about the grandchildren, occasionally posting photos, sharing something funny that happened, commenting on their posts etc.. Be positive even if you don't feel it.
One thing I have sworn I will never do, is be a burden to my children. I am 70 years old with old age just around the corner… but I will NOT ask my children to take me to appointments or drive me places. And if they offer, I will say that I can manage, thank you. They are busy as we once were, with their work, home life, children etc.. Good luck!

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@afrobin A goal and I do hope you can carry through. I admire your spunk.

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Sorry you are feeling blue? Are you involved in your own activities? Friends and volunteering. Active in church. These things have helped me tremendously. Making your own way may give you peace .

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@parus

Even though I cannot get out and do the things I hear others share about I do my best to be a little sunshine when I get the opportunity. I do struggle with physical and mental issues. We are all different with varying capabilities which could be considered wallowing in our shortcomings. I endeavor not to do so and be content with what I can do.

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Yes, I admire that about you, @parus. You do what you can do and when you are able you do work at encouraging others. By the way, in another post I read that you were a wrangler in WY. I found that interesting.

Could you share more about that (as you are comfortable doing so of course)?

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@kdo0827

Thanks for listening. I don’t ever complain to my children. I always act as if everything is ok. I do lots of things for and with them and I enjoy those times. I do volunteer and I’m very active in my church. I also babysit my grandson 5 x week and care for my mom who has dementia. We have the granddaughters over often. I think my medication needs adjusting and I see my psychiatrist in a few days. I can’t be more present than I am for my family. All I was asking for was a thank you and an occasional how are you. I’m always there for them and since I have chronic pain and now other serious issues like the possibility of colon or stomach cancer I just wanted a how are you? I’m going through tests now to see what is going on. I’ve beaten breast cancer and I’m praying that whatever is going on is something simple. I don’t think there’s anybody that doesn’t want a little care every now and then.

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@kdo0827 you say that you’re always present doing for your family—have you ever considered cutting back and taking time for yourself? Go to museums, art galleries the mall, call a friend and go to lunch. That’s when I started volunteering for Meals on Wheels and that really woke me up! Many are so less fortunate.
Also, do you have a “lite book” ? My doctor had me get one about 15 yrs ago. It’s about 5” on a side and shines a very bright lite that works on things in your brain. And it works! I’ll send details later. Just finished my 30 min.

Liked by lioness

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@lioness

@parus you are so right something that is good for one isn't for another we are all different but Its The Try ,you try
that counts some people can't but when you look at bedridden people who can't but are happy ☺anyhow then we really don't have anything to complain about .Maybe its just how we are wired .

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@lioness Wanted to clarify that I am not whining and I am thankful for the things I can still do as many of us are here. It is a challenge coming up with new ways to do things that once came so easily. I am not a quitter.

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@merpreb

@parus– I get that too..and when you are very very down it's impossible. Unfortunately it's right- enough walking will make us healthier, all the way around. And enough walking will adjust your attitude. lol. It doesn't solve anything- it just helps. Sometimes when I've gotten so sick of myself I ask my husband to "take me for a walk" lol. Or sometimes he will say, you need to get out of the house, let's go for a walk. And sometimes I actually go and am glad that I do- but only after I pout, and tell him how I feel about his suggestion.

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@merpreb Can I borrow your husband?? I was not implying a walk is a cure-all and they do help. I need to find my waders and take a walk. 😉

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@parus

@lioness Wanted to clarify that I am not whining and I am thankful for the things I can still do as many of us are here. It is a challenge coming up with new ways to do things that once came so easily. I am not a quitter.

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@parus Im sorry Parus if you took my comment that way I know you aren't whining I applude you for what you can do My point to everyone was there are bedridden people who find happiness somehow I dont know if I could but some do

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@merpreb

@parus– I get that too..and when you are very very down it's impossible. Unfortunately it's right- enough walking will make us healthier, all the way around. And enough walking will adjust your attitude. lol. It doesn't solve anything- it just helps. Sometimes when I've gotten so sick of myself I ask my husband to "take me for a walk" lol. Or sometimes he will say, you need to get out of the house, let's go for a walk. And sometimes I actually go and am glad that I do- but only after I pout, and tell him how I feel about his suggestion.

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I appreciate your honesty, @merpreb. We all have our pouting days😊 Attitude adjustment is something that we all work out in our own way!

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I absolutely agree that we should try and create a full life that doesn’t revolve around our children – after all, didn’t someone say that the quickest way to get your child’s attention is to sit down, relax and look comfortable?
But that’s much easier said than done, especially with depression. "Depression" is simply a label which really tells us nothing about the who/what/when/why of depression. There’s no life hack or “10 easy steps” to deal with it; Being “strong” or trying new medication or a new psychiatrist doesn’t make it go away. Each person deals with depression in their own way, and I have to say this – I have deep admiration for all of you for being members on Connect, because it means you’re here to read, to share, to take care of yourself and to help others.

I’ve been blessed with 3 great kids, who are beautiful, decent, responsible (most of the time) people. But, as a mother, I’ve come to realize that it’s an art to raise kids! Having kids can be a joy, a challenge, a pain in the…, a miracle, and it takes tremendous strength to be a parent – and we realize this only when children grow up and no longer depend on us!

The irony is that they are only doing what we’ve taught them to do. We teach them to respect others’ space, to not intrude; we teach them to be assertive, to speak-up; as parents, we impose our need for “readiness” on them, or we try to make sure that they know what they want to do for the rest of their lives…at the age of 18! We tell them to “get a life” and yet we feel replaced, hurt, irrelevant when they are leading their own lives and are adults with their own ideas, or when they tell us they need “space” – instead of saying Thank You – at least I do:)

I’ve (reluctantly) realized that my daughter is no longer fascinated by a graphic description of some event – but perhaps my friends are:) And just because my son doesn’t “check-in” with a text or a phone call regularly, doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me – what’s going on in the college library (or he wants me to believe he’s in the ‘library’) is so much more urgent than what’s going on with his parents!
Now, when I complain about how supportive we’ve been, given them what they need, sacrificed for them, I’ve heard at least one of them mumble “Martyr Alert!!”

When people say, "To understand a parent's love you must raise children yourself,” they may be onto something; I catch myself hoping that someday my children will have lots of kids of their own…who behave exactly like their parents did:)

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Impressive and truthful message . Thanks

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@lioness

@parus Im sorry Parus if you took my comment that way I know you aren't whining I applude you for what you can do My point to everyone was there are bedridden people who find happiness somehow I dont know if I could but some do

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I would like to apologize also. Certainly didn t think you were whining . But let me tell you there are times that I do . Then it s time for cheese . Laughter is really helpful and so appreciate this group.
Didn tkniw anyone else who had this strange health issue until now.
So again so sorry just trying to be helpful.

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@kanaazpereira

I absolutely agree that we should try and create a full life that doesn’t revolve around our children – after all, didn’t someone say that the quickest way to get your child’s attention is to sit down, relax and look comfortable?
But that’s much easier said than done, especially with depression. "Depression" is simply a label which really tells us nothing about the who/what/when/why of depression. There’s no life hack or “10 easy steps” to deal with it; Being “strong” or trying new medication or a new psychiatrist doesn’t make it go away. Each person deals with depression in their own way, and I have to say this – I have deep admiration for all of you for being members on Connect, because it means you’re here to read, to share, to take care of yourself and to help others.

I’ve been blessed with 3 great kids, who are beautiful, decent, responsible (most of the time) people. But, as a mother, I’ve come to realize that it’s an art to raise kids! Having kids can be a joy, a challenge, a pain in the…, a miracle, and it takes tremendous strength to be a parent – and we realize this only when children grow up and no longer depend on us!

The irony is that they are only doing what we’ve taught them to do. We teach them to respect others’ space, to not intrude; we teach them to be assertive, to speak-up; as parents, we impose our need for “readiness” on them, or we try to make sure that they know what they want to do for the rest of their lives…at the age of 18! We tell them to “get a life” and yet we feel replaced, hurt, irrelevant when they are leading their own lives and are adults with their own ideas, or when they tell us they need “space” – instead of saying Thank You – at least I do:)

I’ve (reluctantly) realized that my daughter is no longer fascinated by a graphic description of some event – but perhaps my friends are:) And just because my son doesn’t “check-in” with a text or a phone call regularly, doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me – what’s going on in the college library (or he wants me to believe he’s in the ‘library’) is so much more urgent than what’s going on with his parents!
Now, when I complain about how supportive we’ve been, given them what they need, sacrificed for them, I’ve heard at least one of them mumble “Martyr Alert!!”

When people say, "To understand a parent's love you must raise children yourself,” they may be onto something; I catch myself hoping that someday my children will have lots of kids of their own…who behave exactly like their parents did:)

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@knaazpereira Beautifully stated

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@becsbuddy

@kdo0827 you say that you’re always present doing for your family—have you ever considered cutting back and taking time for yourself? Go to museums, art galleries the mall, call a friend and go to lunch. That’s when I started volunteering for Meals on Wheels and that really woke me up! Many are so less fortunate.
Also, do you have a “lite book” ? My doctor had me get one about 15 yrs ago. It’s about 5” on a side and shines a very bright lite that works on things in your brain. And it works! I’ll send details later. Just finished my 30 min.

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The only thing I have found for “ lite book” is just that? I googled it and found that amazon sells it. The webpage describes how the light works. It’s just done wonders for me! When to doctor said that I needed to get more sun, I responded, “more sun! But I live in Colorado, where it’s always sunny.” He said I needed the concentrated light, like “lite book” gives. He was right!

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