Down in the dumps again – challenges with adult children

Posted by kdo0827 @kdo0827, Dec 27, 2018

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I started taking Cymbalta and got off the other stuff. I was doing better but the past 2 months or so not so good. I’m struggling with feeling invisible and I’m feeling very unappreciated. I feel my kids only call when they want something or have a problem. They never ask how I’m feeling nor do they try and help. I had a procedure done yesterday and neither one bothered to check on me. Adding this to my depression isn’t good. Do any of you have these same feelings about your kids?What should I do?

@becsbuddy

The only thing I have found for “ lite book” is just that? I googled it and found that amazon sells it. The webpage describes how the light works. It’s just done wonders for me! When to doctor said that I needed to get more sun, I responded, “more sun! But I live in Colorado, where it’s always sunny.” He said I needed the concentrated light, like “lite book” gives. He was right!

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Thks for the tip going to look for one.

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@parus

@merpreb Can I borrow your husband?? I was not implying a walk is a cure-all and they do help. I need to find my waders and take a walk. 😉

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@parus– I'll send him right over. lol

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Sorry to hear about your heartache, and yes it truly can sometimes be a heartache when your child chooses to create a rather significant inconvenience to Mom than to postpone a nap time for your granddaughter, to pick you up at the airport, that is very thoughtless in my opinion. Have you tried sending her an email? Sometimes when you send your kids something in writing it resonates with them more and they think twice about how they're treating Mom lately. Things have to be spelled out clearly for some kids. I remember when my husband and I had to move from one state to the other because of health issues (no family close by and kids wanted us to move closer to SOMEONE! we have seven kids and most wanted us to live near them, one in London, one in Canada so that was out of the question). I was exhausted with stress at the time as my husband was in the hospital in the middle of packing, he's 84, I'm 83, and I called my eldest and really sounded off to her because of all the stress involved and next day one of my sons drove down from San Francisco and did the lion's share of the work..so it does pay off when you let your kids know exactly how you feel(in this case via another kid) and what you expect..at least in my case it did. What's the worst thing that could happen if you open up to them by either calling or writing? You sound completely overwhelmed and if you've been shouldering your burden by yourself all these years because you didn't want to add to their load, then it's time to clearly let them know you need them now. Good luck!

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Hey y’all I need all of the help I can get!! I have been reading some insightful, encouraging and,oh yes, humorous comments. We can all have our moments. I know I have!! I did teach my children to be respectful of the boundaries of others and by golly they did listen. I know I started feeling better when I ceased all the worrying about them. I know I don’t want them worrying about me. Hey we have succeeded in more ways than we realize.

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@hopeful33250

I appreciate your honesty, @merpreb. We all have our pouting days😊 Attitude adjustment is something that we all work out in our own way!

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@hopeful33250 Oh my we certainly do. I have started to realize I am the only one to adjust my attitude as there is no one else to do so. I am guilty of groveling in my own gravy at times.

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@parus I love your attitude! So upbeat! Need to work on mine!

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@sandicel

Dear Thankful. Although me kids are grown I hear you clearly. I have struggled (without) success for a long time. My dog is my only love and support. I am a nurse. I need and want to work but cannot. That fills me with fear as I have no retirement savings. I am on Cymbalta….mostly for pain. All I can figure out is I must get out in the morning. You must have/do something just for you. It need not cost. I send you a hug

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@sandicel– Thank you dor you kind words! I'm so glad you have your faithful friend! Nothing like a pet who is often so loyal and shows their affection to us for the simplest things we do or say. I would not be so hard on yourself. I agree with what you say about getting out in the morning or at least sometime during the day. We make the choice each day to pull out a new canvas and lay down the beginnnings of the first brush strokes of our new day. Start with what I can be thankful for which can simply be a new sunrise? Today I choose…. May God replace your pain with Joy in this New Year! Jim @thankful

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@becsbuddy

@parus I love your attitude! So upbeat! Need to work on mine!

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@becsbuddy Stay with us and we can be encouraging. We all need it at times. Mine requires constant maintenance. I may need to visit the chocolate factory though.

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@parus

@becsbuddy Stay with us and we can be encouraging. We all need it at times. Mine requires constant maintenance. I may need to visit the chocolate factory though.

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@parus thats what Im eating right now fudge. Chocolate not white yum

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@afrobin

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Are you getting help from a psychologist? If you attend church, ask God for help and your minister or priest.
Could it be that your children don't want to be around a depressing, complaining mother? Maybe they will come around if you do things for them; take them out for lunch, have a spa day with them, make them a container of soup or spaghetti sauce make them a photo book of their childhood. offer to baby or pet sit when they are busy etc.. And get out and do things; walking, cycling, kayaking, travelling even if it's only to visit an old friend, taking a course, knitting, volunteering, gardening, trying vegetarian recipes, supporting a cause etc.. Enrich your own life. They will soon be saying, "Where's Mum? She's always off doing something.".
The app What's App has brought our family of 3 adult children and us, their parents much closer. On almost a daily basis we leave short messages wishing them a good day, asking about the grandchildren, occasionally posting photos, sharing something funny that happened, commenting on their posts etc.. Be positive even if you don't feel it.
One thing I have sworn I will never do, is be a burden to my children. I am 70 years old with old age just around the corner… but I will NOT ask my children to take me to appointments or drive me places. And if they offer, I will say that I can manage, thank you. They are busy as we once were, with their work, home life, children etc.. Good luck!

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@afrobin– I agree with much of your suggestions, but your word burden sticks in my craw. I get that we can all become a burden using your word at times to our children or even spouse, but if you continue to let that word take on more power in our lives, there will be always be a reason to be more selfish rather than selfless. It has already become this way in so many instances in todays live choices. Recently I had a conversation with a dear older friend who now lives in the local retirement community and he told me how many of the residents don't even have family that visits them. I'm a fan of still having our loved ones come to live with us as long as we can take care of them, and I realize that is often not possible for everyone, but lets all reconsider the word burden especially when we think of our loved ones.

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@afrobin

A pill and prayer are not going to make your children and grandchildren reunite with you. Read the post above and get out and get involved in LIFE. As hard as it might be at first…do for others. Volunteer. Enrich your life with activities. You want to be considered a positive ray of sunshine in the lives of your family and others. Take it one step at a time with your children and offer to babysit or go for a coffee and bring little gifts or their favourite dessert from childhood. People want to be around those who are not mopey, passive and needy. Be strong and independent. Smile! And this way you will be an influence on them as they might be depressed.
I am a senior and I attend 2 Italian classes per week (I am not Italian) and one German class (I am not German.). I volunteer for 4 organizations. I cook soups for my 80+ sister in law who is not well. I am organizing old family videos and photos. I get out and do photography on occasion. I try to travel somewhere once a year. I send a young, African asylum seeker to English school and I help him find his way in this new, scary world for him. I babysit my granddaughter and cook dishes they like when I have time. I could go on and on. Bottom line: Get involved in life and make yourself interesting. And be cheerful and positive. Good luck!

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@afrobin– Clearly I should have read on to your next post before posting mine. It sounds like you are very much out there doing, being involved, etc. I still have a problem with your word choice burden, but prehaps I misunderstand your meaning of it. I will make the effort to read on the next time. Jim @thankful

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@parus

@becsbuddy Stay with us and we can be encouraging. We all need it at times. Mine requires constant maintenance. I may need to visit the chocolate factory though.

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Ah yes, @parus, the chocolate factory – always a good visit😂

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@meggotty

Sorry to hear about your heartache, and yes it truly can sometimes be a heartache when your child chooses to create a rather significant inconvenience to Mom than to postpone a nap time for your granddaughter, to pick you up at the airport, that is very thoughtless in my opinion. Have you tried sending her an email? Sometimes when you send your kids something in writing it resonates with them more and they think twice about how they're treating Mom lately. Things have to be spelled out clearly for some kids. I remember when my husband and I had to move from one state to the other because of health issues (no family close by and kids wanted us to move closer to SOMEONE! we have seven kids and most wanted us to live near them, one in London, one in Canada so that was out of the question). I was exhausted with stress at the time as my husband was in the hospital in the middle of packing, he's 84, I'm 83, and I called my eldest and really sounded off to her because of all the stress involved and next day one of my sons drove down from San Francisco and did the lion's share of the work..so it does pay off when you let your kids know exactly how you feel(in this case via another kid) and what you expect..at least in my case it did. What's the worst thing that could happen if you open up to them by either calling or writing? You sound completely overwhelmed and if you've been shouldering your burden by yourself all these years because you didn't want to add to their load, then it's time to clearly let them know you need them now. Good luck!

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@meggotty – I assume you are addressing my post. Sounds easy enough, but for some reason whether I text or email it seems my kids speed read it and often miss the point of what I'm communicating to them. It seems it's always far safer in my case to communicate on the phone. The youngest is a new parent with a young 2 yr. old and a new one due in March. I know she is under stress and I don't want to add to that, but in their world they are trying to be consistant with nap time at a specific time, etc. and I respect that, but still have an issue to suggest we take an Uber from the airport. Jim @thankful

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@parus

@hopeful33250 Oh my we certainly do. I have started to realize I am the only one to adjust my attitude as there is no one else to do so. I am guilty of groveling in my own gravy at times.

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You are right about that, @parus. Sometimes groveling in gravy feels good for a time but it does get old quite quickly – on to better days ahead.

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@thankful

@afrobin– I agree with much of your suggestions, but your word burden sticks in my craw. I get that we can all become a burden using your word at times to our children or even spouse, but if you continue to let that word take on more power in our lives, there will be always be a reason to be more selfish rather than selfless. It has already become this way in so many instances in todays live choices. Recently I had a conversation with a dear older friend who now lives in the local retirement community and he told me how many of the residents don't even have family that visits them. I'm a fan of still having our loved ones come to live with us as long as we can take care of them, and I realize that is often not possible for everyone, but lets all reconsider the word burden especially when we think of our loved ones.

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Personally, I would feel that I am a burden if I depend on my children to ferry me to appointments and run errands for me and take care of my affairs etc… I want to be independent and self reliant as much as possible. I have family and friends who are at their wits end taking care of their aging family members and I don't want to be what I call 'a burden' on my children.

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