Down in the dumps again – challenges with adult children

Posted by kdo0827 @kdo0827, Dec 27, 2018

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I started taking Cymbalta and got off the other stuff. I was doing better but the past 2 months or so not so good. I’m struggling with feeling invisible and I’m feeling very unappreciated. I feel my kids only call when they want something or have a problem. They never ask how I’m feeling nor do they try and help. I had a procedure done yesterday and neither one bothered to check on me. Adding this to my depression isn’t good. Do any of you have these same feelings about your kids?What should I do?

Dear Thankful. Although me kids are grown I hear you clearly. I have struggled (without) success for a long time. My dog is my only love and support. I am a nurse. I need and want to work but cannot. That fills me with fear as I have no retirement savings. I am on Cymbalta….mostly for pain. All I can figure out is I must get out in the morning. You must have/do something just for you. It need not cost. I send you a hug

REPLY

HAPPY NEW YEARS! CHILDREN CAN BE SO DISAPPOINTING THESE DAYS. They have no respect. It is a world of me me Nike Just do it (Sucks)
Mine are all healthy, working hard, and raising a family. My oldest one has the worst Mental Illness and my grandkids should have been taken a long time ago They are almost grown now. They show the most respect for her though. You have to give it to God. You have to pray that one day they will love you again. I worked part-time all my life to be home with them. They all say I am crazy. I finally had to say Good Bye because my presence brought back the horror we experienced with the Psychopath narcissistic man of 30 years we grew up with. I cannot blame them because I believed everything he said too. I was only able to let go this year because it is best for my little grandkids. I still keep an ear out but do not bother them anymore. I do this because I love them. Anyway I responded because of Cymbalta. Has this med caused anyone to want to stay inside? Fear of going outside. I am totally different than what I was last year. Plus I watched my Dad die slowly. First time for death event in the family. I pray one day all my grandkids and children will come to me one day and have a Big Breakfast and Love me again.

REPLY
@sandicel

Dear Thankful. Although me kids are grown I hear you clearly. I have struggled (without) success for a long time. My dog is my only love and support. I am a nurse. I need and want to work but cannot. That fills me with fear as I have no retirement savings. I am on Cymbalta….mostly for pain. All I can figure out is I must get out in the morning. You must have/do something just for you. It need not cost. I send you a hug

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@sandicel So true about we can have fun without spending money. Doing something for ourselves is not selfish. Striving to stay out of the dumps is hard work.

REPLY

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Are you getting help from a psychologist? If you attend church, ask God for help and your minister or priest.
Could it be that your children don't want to be around a depressing, complaining mother? Maybe they will come around if you do things for them; take them out for lunch, have a spa day with them, make them a container of soup or spaghetti sauce make them a photo book of their childhood. offer to baby or pet sit when they are busy etc.. And get out and do things; walking, cycling, kayaking, travelling even if it's only to visit an old friend, taking a course, knitting, volunteering, gardening, trying vegetarian recipes, supporting a cause etc.. Enrich your own life. They will soon be saying, "Where's Mum? She's always off doing something.".
The app What's App has brought our family of 3 adult children and us, their parents much closer. On almost a daily basis we leave short messages wishing them a good day, asking about the grandchildren, occasionally posting photos, sharing something funny that happened, commenting on their posts etc.. Be positive even if you don't feel it.
One thing I have sworn I will never do, is be a burden to my children. I am 70 years old with old age just around the corner… but I will NOT ask my children to take me to appointments or drive me places. And if they offer, I will say that I can manage, thank you. They are busy as we once were, with their work, home life, children etc.. Good luck!

Liked by lioness, kdo0827

REPLY
@catcatanzaro60

HAPPY NEW YEARS! CHILDREN CAN BE SO DISAPPOINTING THESE DAYS. They have no respect. It is a world of me me Nike Just do it (Sucks)
Mine are all healthy, working hard, and raising a family. My oldest one has the worst Mental Illness and my grandkids should have been taken a long time ago They are almost grown now. They show the most respect for her though. You have to give it to God. You have to pray that one day they will love you again. I worked part-time all my life to be home with them. They all say I am crazy. I finally had to say Good Bye because my presence brought back the horror we experienced with the Psychopath narcissistic man of 30 years we grew up with. I cannot blame them because I believed everything he said too. I was only able to let go this year because it is best for my little grandkids. I still keep an ear out but do not bother them anymore. I do this because I love them. Anyway I responded because of Cymbalta. Has this med caused anyone to want to stay inside? Fear of going outside. I am totally different than what I was last year. Plus I watched my Dad die slowly. First time for death event in the family. I pray one day all my grandkids and children will come to me one day and have a Big Breakfast and Love me again.

Jump to this post

A pill and prayer are not going to make your children and grandchildren reunite with you. Read the post above and get out and get involved in LIFE. As hard as it might be at first…do for others. Volunteer. Enrich your life with activities. You want to be considered a positive ray of sunshine in the lives of your family and others. Take it one step at a time with your children and offer to babysit or go for a coffee and bring little gifts or their favourite dessert from childhood. People want to be around those who are not mopey, passive and needy. Be strong and independent. Smile! And this way you will be an influence on them as they might be depressed.
I am a senior and I attend 2 Italian classes per week (I am not Italian) and one German class (I am not German.). I volunteer for 4 organizations. I cook soups for my 80+ sister in law who is not well. I am organizing old family videos and photos. I get out and do photography on occasion. I try to travel somewhere once a year. I send a young, African asylum seeker to English school and I help him find his way in this new, scary world for him. I babysit my granddaughter and cook dishes they like when I have time. I could go on and on. Bottom line: Get involved in life and make yourself interesting. And be cheerful and positive. Good luck!

Liked by lioness, mickj

REPLY
@afrobin

A pill and prayer are not going to make your children and grandchildren reunite with you. Read the post above and get out and get involved in LIFE. As hard as it might be at first…do for others. Volunteer. Enrich your life with activities. You want to be considered a positive ray of sunshine in the lives of your family and others. Take it one step at a time with your children and offer to babysit or go for a coffee and bring little gifts or their favourite dessert from childhood. People want to be around those who are not mopey, passive and needy. Be strong and independent. Smile! And this way you will be an influence on them as they might be depressed.
I am a senior and I attend 2 Italian classes per week (I am not Italian) and one German class (I am not German.). I volunteer for 4 organizations. I cook soups for my 80+ sister in law who is not well. I am organizing old family videos and photos. I get out and do photography on occasion. I try to travel somewhere once a year. I send a young, African asylum seeker to English school and I help him find his way in this new, scary world for him. I babysit my granddaughter and cook dishes they like when I have time. I could go on and on. Bottom line: Get involved in life and make yourself interesting. And be cheerful and positive. Good luck!

Jump to this post

I appreciate your reply. But the last thing I am is mopey. I don’t let my family see that I’m sad. I always put on a happy face. I’m very involved in our church, I volunteer at Hospice, and I feed and work with the homeless twice a month. I babysit my grandson 5 days a week and have my granddaughters over often. I’m not disconnected from kids at all. I simply wanted a thank you and a how are you feeling once in awhile. I see my oldest daughter at least 5 days a week and see my youngest 1-2 times per week and she calls daily to talk about her life. I also take care of my mom daily who has dementia. I’m very involved in life but depression doesn’t just go away because I walk outside. I’m glad you have found what works for you. I do believe greatly in the power of prayer and I do think that medication can be of great help. Evidently mine needs an adjustment.

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@kdo0827

Wow! I’m with you, I would never ask someone to take a taxi from the airport to get to my house! It seems to me that she could’ve had the grandchild nap earlier. As for Christmas gifts we do White Elephant. So I don’t expect a gift from our daughters although they do normally give me something but not even a card this year. I’m sure my depression isn’t helping how invisible I feel or is how I feel making my depression worse? 2019 is going to be the start of a new journey of my husband and I putting ourselves first and we’re going to start doing things we want instead of bailing out our kids every time they have a money problem. We certainly learned how to survive and it’s time they do too. We’ve spent thousands of dollars and I’ve depleted my 401K to help them. It’s time for us now.

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When things change and my sons (ages 48 and. 44) do things differently than I would have, I have to remind myself that the world is different now, crazier and a lot less nice. I’m glad I live in the nicer world. But they are both doing well and are good people. The oldest even moved to the city so he’d be closer when I got sick! When I get down I just remind myself of that.

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@kdo0827

I appreciate your reply. But the last thing I am is mopey. I don’t let my family see that I’m sad. I always put on a happy face. I’m very involved in our church, I volunteer at Hospice, and I feed and work with the homeless twice a month. I babysit my grandson 5 days a week and have my granddaughters over often. I’m not disconnected from kids at all. I simply wanted a thank you and a how are you feeling once in awhile. I see my oldest daughter at least 5 days a week and see my youngest 1-2 times per week and she calls daily to talk about her life. I also take care of my mom daily who has dementia. I’m very involved in life but depression doesn’t just go away because I walk outside. I’m glad you have found what works for you. I do believe greatly in the power of prayer and I do think that medication can be of great help. Evidently mine needs an adjustment.

Jump to this post

I believe that she was replying to @catcatanzaro60.

REPLY

Sorry, I made assumptions without knowing your circumstances. You have a lot on your plate. I realize you can't snap out of depression. Probably your kids assume that you are fine since you put on 'a happy face'. Once menopause hit, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and so felt half dead all the time. I went to a women's health centre where they do hormonal testing and sleep like a baby now with their bio-identical hormone approach. That could be worth a try… Can your kids take on some of the 'grandma visiting' duties? That would give you a much needed break. Good luck!

REPLY
@afrobin

A pill and prayer are not going to make your children and grandchildren reunite with you. Read the post above and get out and get involved in LIFE. As hard as it might be at first…do for others. Volunteer. Enrich your life with activities. You want to be considered a positive ray of sunshine in the lives of your family and others. Take it one step at a time with your children and offer to babysit or go for a coffee and bring little gifts or their favourite dessert from childhood. People want to be around those who are not mopey, passive and needy. Be strong and independent. Smile! And this way you will be an influence on them as they might be depressed.
I am a senior and I attend 2 Italian classes per week (I am not Italian) and one German class (I am not German.). I volunteer for 4 organizations. I cook soups for my 80+ sister in law who is not well. I am organizing old family videos and photos. I get out and do photography on occasion. I try to travel somewhere once a year. I send a young, African asylum seeker to English school and I help him find his way in this new, scary world for him. I babysit my granddaughter and cook dishes they like when I have time. I could go on and on. Bottom line: Get involved in life and make yourself interesting. And be cheerful and positive. Good luck!

Jump to this post

@afrobin Great post. I share your attitude 100%. As Andy Dufresne said in the Shawshank Redemption, we can "get busy living or get busy dying." It's certainly easier to "get busy living" when we're healthy, but even unhealthy people have the choice. If we intentionally look for the good in people/things and go out of our way to improve ourselves, we have a much better opportunity to be happy. To me, the key is to be intentional about it, to work at it. As the old saying goes, it's, "making lemonade out of lemons." Not always easy to do, but circling back to this attitude when life throws us lemons, I find that I'm a happier person, and as a result, I'm much more pleasant to be around.

REPLY
@afrobin

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Are you getting help from a psychologist? If you attend church, ask God for help and your minister or priest.
Could it be that your children don't want to be around a depressing, complaining mother? Maybe they will come around if you do things for them; take them out for lunch, have a spa day with them, make them a container of soup or spaghetti sauce make them a photo book of their childhood. offer to baby or pet sit when they are busy etc.. And get out and do things; walking, cycling, kayaking, travelling even if it's only to visit an old friend, taking a course, knitting, volunteering, gardening, trying vegetarian recipes, supporting a cause etc.. Enrich your own life. They will soon be saying, "Where's Mum? She's always off doing something.".
The app What's App has brought our family of 3 adult children and us, their parents much closer. On almost a daily basis we leave short messages wishing them a good day, asking about the grandchildren, occasionally posting photos, sharing something funny that happened, commenting on their posts etc.. Be positive even if you don't feel it.
One thing I have sworn I will never do, is be a burden to my children. I am 70 years old with old age just around the corner… but I will NOT ask my children to take me to appointments or drive me places. And if they offer, I will say that I can manage, thank you. They are busy as we once were, with their work, home life, children etc.. Good luck!

Jump to this post

Thanks for listening. I don’t ever complain to my children. I always act as if everything is ok. I do lots of things for and with them and I enjoy those times. I do volunteer and I’m very active in my church. I also babysit my grandson 5 x week and care for my mom who has dementia. We have the granddaughters over often. I think my medication needs adjusting and I see my psychiatrist in a few days. I can’t be more present than I am for my family. All I was asking for was a thank you and an occasional how are you. I’m always there for them and since I have chronic pain and now other serious issues like the possibility of colon or stomach cancer I just wanted a how are you? I’m going through tests now to see what is going on. I’ve beaten breast cancer and I’m praying that whatever is going on is something simple. I don’t think there’s anybody that doesn’t want a little care every now and then.

REPLY
@afrobin

Sorry, I made assumptions without knowing your circumstances. You have a lot on your plate. I realize you can't snap out of depression. Probably your kids assume that you are fine since you put on 'a happy face'. Once menopause hit, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and so felt half dead all the time. I went to a women's health centre where they do hormonal testing and sleep like a baby now with their bio-identical hormone approach. That could be worth a try… Can your kids take on some of the 'grandma visiting' duties? That would give you a much needed break. Good luck!

Jump to this post

No problem. Please tell me more about the hormones. I had a hysterectomy at age 32 and was instantly put into menopause. I don’t sleep well either even though I take sleep meds. My girls don’t bother with my mom. They only see her when I bring her to our get togethers. Sad to me as she lives in the same complex as us.

REPLY
@catcatanzaro60

HAPPY NEW YEARS! CHILDREN CAN BE SO DISAPPOINTING THESE DAYS. They have no respect. It is a world of me me Nike Just do it (Sucks)
Mine are all healthy, working hard, and raising a family. My oldest one has the worst Mental Illness and my grandkids should have been taken a long time ago They are almost grown now. They show the most respect for her though. You have to give it to God. You have to pray that one day they will love you again. I worked part-time all my life to be home with them. They all say I am crazy. I finally had to say Good Bye because my presence brought back the horror we experienced with the Psychopath narcissistic man of 30 years we grew up with. I cannot blame them because I believed everything he said too. I was only able to let go this year because it is best for my little grandkids. I still keep an ear out but do not bother them anymore. I do this because I love them. Anyway I responded because of Cymbalta. Has this med caused anyone to want to stay inside? Fear of going outside. I am totally different than what I was last year. Plus I watched my Dad die slowly. First time for death event in the family. I pray one day all my grandkids and children will come to me one day and have a Big Breakfast and Love me again.

Jump to this post

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard journey. My husband and my oldest daughter are Bi polar. I know it’s a struggle for them but it’s also hard on their family. My husband is doing well with only occasional lows. My daughter is ok but suffers really bad with anxiety. I finally have her going to my psychiatrist and I know he’s going to help her. As for Cymbalta YES YES YES!!! I never want to go anywhere!! I have to force myself to get out. Have you asked your dr about this?

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@kdo0827

I appreciate your reply. But the last thing I am is mopey. I don’t let my family see that I’m sad. I always put on a happy face. I’m very involved in our church, I volunteer at Hospice, and I feed and work with the homeless twice a month. I babysit my grandson 5 days a week and have my granddaughters over often. I’m not disconnected from kids at all. I simply wanted a thank you and a how are you feeling once in awhile. I see my oldest daughter at least 5 days a week and see my youngest 1-2 times per week and she calls daily to talk about her life. I also take care of my mom daily who has dementia. I’m very involved in life but depression doesn’t just go away because I walk outside. I’m glad you have found what works for you. I do believe greatly in the power of prayer and I do think that medication can be of great help. Evidently mine needs an adjustment.

Jump to this post

@kdo0827 When I hear others talk about taking a walk will solve depression I can get irritated because not everyone can take a walk. I can say that taking a walk has not fixed things. I think when others state thus they do not mean it literally. It does come across as flippant at times. Do agree with you though. Think a walk can cure attitudes??

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@parus

@kdo0827 When I hear others talk about taking a walk will solve depression I can get irritated because not everyone can take a walk. I can say that taking a walk has not fixed things. I think when others state thus they do not mean it literally. It does come across as flippant at times. Do agree with you though. Think a walk can cure attitudes??

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@parus– I get that too..and when you are very very down it's impossible. Unfortunately it's right- enough walking will make us healthier, all the way around. And enough walking will adjust your attitude. lol. It doesn't solve anything- it just helps. Sometimes when I've gotten so sick of myself I ask my husband to "take me for a walk" lol. Or sometimes he will say, you need to get out of the house, let's go for a walk. And sometimes I actually go and am glad that I do- but only after I pout, and tell him how I feel about his suggestion.

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