Anyone Else With PTSD?

Posted by Parus @parus, Jul 21, 2017

Curious

@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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dear parus, keep holding on. it is tough i know but so far i have made it for 80 years. yes 80. remembering when my mother tried to smother me at age 5. horror of horrors. hang in and make it past age 80. do all of us good when you pass 80. we all love and care for you. peach barbara

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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Hello @parus

If you are talking about noise, you must be having an MRI? I hope that it goes well for you. I recite (in my head, without vocalizing) stuff when I’m in an MRI thingy – words to songs, Bible verses, pray for others – whatever it takes to get me through to the end. I’ve even fallen asleep during the process (believe it or not).

Teresa

Liked by Lisa Lucier, Parus

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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@parus – imaging is good. I always like it when scans, etc., are arranged. I like to see the pictures so I understand better what’s going on. I always ask them to explain what I’m seeing. I’m looking forward to hearing what they see in your workups.

Have you tried ear plugs or headphones? I slept with ear plugs for a long time because of my wife’s snoring.

Jim

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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dear parus, i forgot, you mentioned self pity a few days ago. yes you and i and many others who have suffered as we have do deserve to admit to self pity. why not, it is justified. perhaps it does help us to pity ourselves. for it is well deserved. cry all you want to. it does help me somewhat. but somewhat is better than none at all. you and i (and others) have many true horror stories that perhaps should be told and feeling sorry for ourselves is warranted. do not be embarased of the truth and realize how many people can be as strong as we are. YES, YOU ARE STRONG. believe in yourself for you are special. there are many, many people who know you are special and we do love you. peach barbara

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Heart stuff -echo etc. No one knows other than the words I share here. My problems are not their’s and I do not ever want them feeling they owe me for any thing. I never knew I had depression or so many dark things from my past. They have their own lives and I do not want to be a burden in any way. Parents fail children. Children do NOT fail parents.
@peach414144 Surprised I have made it this far and stress can kill even if slowly. When my own mother was sick and needy I wanted to go help her. She had disowned me which was her way of showing disapproval. After all of her abuse and blaming me she did ask to see me. I was elated! I went to see her in a retirement home only to have my middle sister show up in a full-blown rage and drove me a way. Any time I would go to visit her that sister would pitch a fit. People do what works for them. Still, I wanted to be their for my mom. I did attend her funeral where the one sister had become the person she always hated.
After all of the abuse I still wanted to be there for my mom.
Enough of the maudlin mush again.

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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I have tried a lot of things-If I cannot not hear what is going on around me the fear takes over…catch the image? Clarifying, pun intended.

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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Not into sharing any past horror…most selective in comments I peruse. If sharing helps some this is a positive thing. I can not be offended or upset by things I do not not read. We are all different and this is what makes each of us special in some way. What works for one may not work for another. Thanks to all for the encouragement…

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Good Morning @parus

What you said did not seem like “maudlin mush” to me, but an honest description of what your life experiences have been. You are correct when you said, “Children do NOT fail parents” so true!!

Thanks for sharing on Mayo Connect. I hope all goes well with your Echo, etc.

Teresa

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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@jimhd and @parus

I understand what you mean about being interested in what is going on, Jim. I am having an echocardiogram today also and after I get the results on MyChart, I graph the changes (I now have 3 years of echos that I graph) and when I see the doctor I discuss the changes noted on the graph and he sits down and explains whether they are significant or not and what they mean in terms of heart function and possible valve replacement.

Fortunately, he is not intimidated or defensive when I go through my charting and questions – he really is great!

Teresa

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@parus

Heart stuff -echo etc. No one knows other than the words I share here. My problems are not their’s and I do not ever want them feeling they owe me for any thing. I never knew I had depression or so many dark things from my past. They have their own lives and I do not want to be a burden in any way. Parents fail children. Children do NOT fail parents.
@peach414144 Surprised I have made it this far and stress can kill even if slowly. When my own mother was sick and needy I wanted to go help her. She had disowned me which was her way of showing disapproval. After all of her abuse and blaming me she did ask to see me. I was elated! I went to see her in a retirement home only to have my middle sister show up in a full-blown rage and drove me a way. Any time I would go to visit her that sister would pitch a fit. People do what works for them. Still, I wanted to be their for my mom. I did attend her funeral where the one sister had become the person she always hated.
After all of the abuse I still wanted to be there for my mom.
Enough of the maudlin mush again.

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@parus

I’m so sorry your sister carries such unkindness towards you!

Teresa

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

Jump to this post

@parus – When I suggested earphones and earplugs, I was thinking of around the house. You’ve mentioned lots of noise from neighbors and construction noise, and I was thinking about how you might mask the sound.

Jim

Liked by Parus

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@parus

Heart stuff -echo etc. No one knows other than the words I share here. My problems are not their’s and I do not ever want them feeling they owe me for any thing. I never knew I had depression or so many dark things from my past. They have their own lives and I do not want to be a burden in any way. Parents fail children. Children do NOT fail parents.
@peach414144 Surprised I have made it this far and stress can kill even if slowly. When my own mother was sick and needy I wanted to go help her. She had disowned me which was her way of showing disapproval. After all of her abuse and blaming me she did ask to see me. I was elated! I went to see her in a retirement home only to have my middle sister show up in a full-blown rage and drove me a way. Any time I would go to visit her that sister would pitch a fit. People do what works for them. Still, I wanted to be their for my mom. I did attend her funeral where the one sister had become the person she always hated.
After all of the abuse I still wanted to be there for my mom.
Enough of the maudlin mush again.

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dear parus, it seems your family and mine are quite the same. i really understand where you are coming from. i stay away from my sisters. they have tried to hurt me in so many ways. somehow, try to see your mom when the sister is not there if this can be done. they my sisterswould not let my mother be buried where she wanted to be buried. i took care of that and she went where she set things up to be. if the authorities knew of her cruelties to her children things might have been different. mom is dead now 7 years and it seems like yesterday that she died. the years have helped to heal somewhat. but the depression and ptsd still rolls on. writing all these events down does help.perhaps you should try that. it seems to drain some of the hurt. do not accuse yourself for hurting your mothers feelings. this is life. you now know much more than before. we grow mentally with time. with much care and concern. peach barbara

Liked by Parus

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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@jimhd @lisalucier @hopeful33250 I have tried different things here at home…earplugs are totally out as I become hyper vigilant…the population here has changed resulting in more noise. I have no control over this and when someone young and fast walking (quite thin) can sound like they have bovine in their gene pool-no one ever taught them to walk with soft feet. I cannot help there. The lady above me now has a new dog that does not like being left alone and howls incessantly when the owner is gone or otherwise disposed. The dog belongs to her daughter (I presume) who recently moved in with her. The mother is extremely hard of hearing. I did finally call the office which I have not done before-even I, as well as others, have our limits about some things. The howling has ceased for now. Always best to allow the property manager to deal with these things-not my job and I am a coward.
I had several heart tests done in 2014-All I had done this time was the echocardiogram. All went smoothly. A student did the test and what a delightful young lady. Whew…I could have fallen asleep. The first thing she did was turn on the TV and asked which channel. “Turn it off please”. She was shocked as I was the 1st of here patients having ever making this request.
Thank you everyone for helping me. I need to learn to ask more questions. Just because past experiences asking questions have been met with rudeness, etc. does not mean not to try again. Okay, Cowardly Lion, time to take on Oz.

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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@parus

I am so glad that your Echo went well today. I had an Echo today as well and will get the results in a few days – so we both had similar experiences.

Your posts are just wonderful! I love the Cowardly Lion and the Oz references. Have you ever considered writing a daily meditation book for people dealing with depression and anxiety? I would certainly buy a copy.

Blessings to you,

Teresa

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@parus

Return visit to doctor resulted in a trip to imaging as to who knows what? Scary as I had them before. Tomorrow at 2. What next? Back in a week for results and a different doctor as the one I am seeing is leaving for Haiti. The one seen prior to the assigned doctor freaked me out so much with her uncertainty-not her again!!! We ought to be able to feel safe and confident when seeing the secondary to the pcp. Stressed to the max. No one to ask for help. Suck it up coward and just go get it over with…the noise is dreadful for me. i know for most this is no problem. My vision goes to black and white—I can do this.

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I agree with @hopeful33250, @parus, your writing just makes me smile.

Glad the echocardiogram went smoothly. That is great.

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