Is it ok to feel angry?

@judimahoney Yes, pet the beloved dog and Post, Post, Post, our perils of wisdom to share with others on this site. Now that's comforting. Best, Karla

In this journey with my husband who has MCI, I also choose gratitude to get me through the day. We are moving out of our house in two months so when I start feeling unusually sad or angry I clean out a closet or a drawer. Giving away or throwing out things we no longer need is very cathartic.

Had a good week….we planned an outing to a museum, went to a concert and had a delicious dinner with our oldest granddaughter. Each had its challenges but lifted my spirits.

Happy Saturday!

To begin means there will be sn end. Who knows what the end will be. I won't get a dog, mainly for the reason I will love it, and probably outlive it(?). I don't want that sadness. Or if it outlives me. I'd have to say goodbye, wonder who will take care of it, and feel like I "Let him down" by leaving. So, no dog
But you can't apply this to a life. We commit. We invest. We enjoy. We connect. We love. We LIVE.
Living takes courage because (we know) things will end. (Painful things too) . The Hero's Journey.
A few things: If we have not thrown ouselves into Life, our Life, we haven't lived. We'd have no memories (which also fade and disappear to yhr default state of glorious nothingness (A blank page or canvass).
Life would miss the MEANING we bring to it, and the meaning it gives back to us.
But we have the gift of NOW. Embrace it. Relish it, because as Monty Python says "It's not now. It's gone. Oh wait! NOW? No that's gone too."
If I am with the person I love, or not love, this is our now. It may not be what my ego wants, but it is what it is.

Good morning @gratia

My opinion, (so take it for what it’s worth), is that anger is a normal part of the grief process, so yes, it’s okay to feel angry as we grieve the loss of the person, their health, our plans, our lives. What’s not okay is to get “stuck” there and not be able to move through the process. The tough part with this long term dementia situation is that it continues over time and it seems to me that there is always new “losses” to grieve, so anger can pop back up as the decline continues- even when I think I have moved past it! I suppose the degree of anger in relation to the situation or loss should be somewhat commensurate as well. Minor annoyance at having to help with simple tasks that my husband could to yesterday but struggles with today might be understandable, but if it puts me into an angry rage, that’s seems like I have moved into the “unhealthy” anger range.
I’m not sure if my thoughts are of any help but that’s what’s coming up for me these days!
Blessings

@mm180
Good afternoon 😃 , Thank you so much for your input. It does help!
Today I feel fine, in fact, I’m feeling very grateful. Grateful to be able to be here during this difficult time. I’ve thought a lot about it the past few days. The fact that she’s confused and lost in place and time. I realize it must be so scary if you don’t know what’s up and what’s down, who’s who or where you are.
I’m focused on being more compassionate, kind and gentle, I want to make her feel comfortable and loved.
Of course, as you mentioned, things are always changing, but I can only control my own response to the ebbs and flows of this terrible disease.
I hope you’re having a good weekend and I wish you peace, love, and moments of joy.🤗❤️

@gratia
Some communities have Support Meetings for the CAREGIVER.
I used to volunteer with them and I visited a gentleman each week for 2-3 hours to give his wife a break. She was so worn out that she immediately fell asleep on the couch while I played cards with her husband. Some days his memory would not be very good but I just continued with the games and let him tell stories when he felt like it. The wife needed that rest so bad.
So check to see if there might be a support group that you can attend and talk to other people going through the same thing. Each person is different and when they (the caregiver) talked about what was happening with her spouse this past week, they all could relate and sometimes they learned something they hadn't thought of that could maybe help in their home. It was also a positive experience for the caregiver. They had a bit more pep in their step when they left.

@gratia hello my name is Dina. My brother and myself and my sister-n-law are the only ones looking after our 91 year old mom. She is constantly lying to us and throwing one of us under the bus (so to speak). She plays us against each other all the time. This is so frustrating for all of us, we have been dealing with her dementia almost 3 years now. She’s forgetting my brother’s name and calling him my dad’s name. She forgets how to operate her appliances, she made us sign a living will stating we would let her remain in her own home until she passes. This is very difficult for all of us, we don’t have any other help. So we deal with anger and sadness a lot.

@dmash3 Hi Dina,
I feel for you. It’s only my sister and myself caregiving. Mother is 95 and going strong physically.
I try my best to remember it’s a chapter of life and not forever. I’m also learning to “forgive and forget” so I can keep my inner peace and learn to be more compassionate. A lot of her selfish behaviors are the disease, but some are definitely an extension of who she’s always been.

I hope to come out of this strong enough to forge another chapter in my own life. The unknowns make it so hard - how long will this continue?… Being over 60 myself, how can I keep it together and start over after this ends? I try to take it day to day with no or low expectations.
I wish you strength, peace and acceptance. I find “acceptance” and “reframing” very helpful. Even in the most trying scenarios there are lessons and opportunities to be gained. I’m writing a vampire story inspired by this experience with dementia- it’s def a soul sucking disease for all involved! 🤗❤️

@gratia thank you for thoughtful reply and sympathy. I will keep you and your sister and your Mom in my prayers. We will forgive and forget and pray for strength. 🙏🏻😊

@gratia
Hello:
In response to your query, how can you keep it together and start over when this ends?
I can only speak from my sister's point of view who lost her husband to cancer in her early 60s.
She went through stages after my brother-in-law passed, just like we are. There was the expected sadness, and tons of crying; she does retail therapy and has been buying things she probably doesn't need (but it makes her feel good).
She took a lover to combat loneliness and started getting out and enjoying her life again. She got two cats and enjoys spoiling them. She's traveled overseas and domestically several times. She lavishes attention on her garden and has created a visual paradise. She writes about her feelings and blogs.
Anyway, my sister has just carried on, recreating herself in her new, single life and is still sad, but carries on.
I try to imagine what life will be like on the flip side, but there are so many unknowns I need a crystal ball.
Something that was said in a grief class I took, is that we are all becoming new people. The way we respond to our loved ones, and how we manage has changed us.
What shall we become today?
Hugs all around. ☺️