The Loneliness

@georgescraftjr Whether you post often or not, YOU are always on my mind - and I know many others on this connect site. We're a family together in this, day and night, and never forget that. I am horrified that George's son, would tell his father to call 911 and you had to deal with such a troubling experience and one that was embarrassing and upsetting. How do we find positive when family members can't and don't relate because they simply aren't there to see what we go through every day as a caregiver. I'm saddened and disappointed in families - and friends - who remain in denial, do things that create more issues, or do nothing at all. A mere supportive direct call to you, would have solved the issue, and you could have given George the "anxiety" drugs he needs, or you could have called for help. Please know, you are not alone. The fact that you can find positive in what happened speaks to your value and the camaraderie we have on this site. I just wish I was there - we were there - to help you, calm George and take your worry away. Without his son by your side, or even the courtesy of calling you first, when he knows his father is sick, why would he tell his father to do that? I don't know the relationship you have with this son, but I do know it's time to have a come-to-Jesus discussion to prevent him from doing it again. None of us need the "the wrong calvary" to come (the police!) because of a foolish son, who clearly has his own issues, and directs his "confused" father in the worst way. Just breathe today another day, yes...another journey. Love you George's wife.....Karla

@kjc48

Karla,

Even though I don't post as regularly as you and others do, please know that I am totally connected to all of you and our mutual journey.

I love how all of you keep the passing the baton going--for we are all on the same relay team.

Thanks so much.

Love,
George's Wife

P.S. No matter how bad things have been or can get, at least none of your loved ones has called "911" to report you as a menace.

A few evenings ago, my darling George--at the advice of his son, who did not even call me first to find out my version of reality or give me the heads-up--called "911" because George was hallucinating and he had an anxiety attack. (He said I was threatening "to strip," and that he did not feel save.) Five police officers showed up at our door.

Trying to find the positive in this horrible experience, I convinced myself that God was testing my ability to forgive--to forgive George, and more to the point, to forgive his son.) God was also giving me this experience so that I can be a poster mom for you folks who never had children and who are wishing that you did--so that you would have theoretical help in sharing the responsibility of caregiving. As I have said many times before, "the calvary is not coming"--but we have each other, the members of this Forum, and our devoted director and mentors.

@georgescraftjr

Oh dear. Sorry for all my typos.

P.S. ...and sorry for always using the word "typos" loosely--to include spelling errors, which I know are different from typos.

George's Wife (AKA @typoqueen)

P.S. I was being over-inclusive in echoing Karla. To clarify, I just wanted to thank her for the reminder of the "Lord's presence in all we do." That knowledge is empowering, and it lightens our burdens.

@georgescraftjr I am so sorry that you had to deal with the police because of George's son's advice to him. I am wondering if contacting the community outreach person at the police department, not the front desk or dispatcher, would be able to allow you to inform the police that your husband has dementia and to keep this in mind when responding to any future calls.
I would ask if they have any policies regarding interacting with dementia patients. They may have to respond to anyone that calls about feeling unsafe because sadly there are cases of abuse of elderly people. But maybe being informed ahead of time would change the tone of the interaction. Just throwing that out there because I think that this is a growing concern for dementia caregivers and perhaps the local police department has not addressed this with a specific policy. I do know that some 911 dispatchers if they are aware of the dementia will send a mental health provider along with the police officers.

@kjc48

Thanks for your concern.

After the visit from the cops, I asked George's son why he thought law-enforcment intervention was necessary, and the son said that his father was extremely anxious. (George told him that I was threatening to "strip.") I also asked his son why he didn't call me first, or at least, have the decency to warn me that the cops were on there way. His response was: "Because it was an emergency."

P.S. The next day, George cried and apologized for calling "911" but he couldn't remember what caused his anxiety other than to say that he was having hallucinations. (I was home in another room at the time, and I didn't "threaten" to strip. LOL)

I haven't experienced the physical loneliness as much as I have the loneliness (and fear) that comes with making all the decisions that we once made together. There's just no one to turn to, and everyday fills like this "push pull" of what's next on the list to decide on. Maybe it's my own personal situation on top of the MCI diagnosis last year with my husband, of a move out of our house due to mold, in limbo for 3 months in a hotel, a rental home that also had mold and moveout with a financial loss, another rental (that has yes, turned out great and I"m still in), and living out of storage for 7 months now while we're remodeling with that whole set of issues. Then planning to sell and finding someplace else to go all in the middle of all these lequembe infusions, MRI's, Pet scans, support groups, and just the normal everyday issues that come from insurance company changes, technology issues, medical portals, 1800 numbers that have all gone to AI, where just trying to get a "person" to next to impossible. So, on the brighter side, I'm sorry I'm ranting this morning - Thanks for listening......Ah, another day of decisionmaking and caregiving.......But the sun just came out! Best, Karla

@timber2026 I wanted to also add in my earlier Karla - to - Karla note, when my husband started to get angry and flair up - I told him that I was going to bash his head in, if he continued to talk to me like that. That I loved him, and wanted him calm, and not angry, as when he's angry, he hurtful and he hurts me with his words. I don't know if it was the "bashing" part or the I love you and when you are angry, you hurt me part. It's hard to know what they know, or remember, but I do remember, it did resonate with my husband. He settled down a bit. I suppose it depends what stage they are in. Best, Karla