The Loneliness

@timber2026 I wanted to also add in my earlier Karla - to - Karla note, when my husband started to get angry and flair up - I told him that I was going to bash his head in, if he continued to talk to me like that. That I loved him, and wanted him calm, and not angry, as when he's angry, he hurtful and he hurts me with his words. I don't know if it was the "bashing" part or the I love you and when you are angry, you hurt me part. It's hard to know what they know, or remember, but I do remember, it did resonate with my husband. He settled down a bit. I suppose it depends what stage they are in. Best, Karla

@kjc48

Karla,

Even though I don't post as regularly as you and others do, please know that I am totally connected to all of you and our mutual journey.

I love how all of you keep the passing the baton going--for we are all on the same relay team.

Thanks so much.

Love,
George's Wife

P.S. No matter how bad things have been or can get, at least none of your loved ones has called "911" to report you as a menace.

A few evenings ago, my darling George--at the advice of his son, who did not even call me first to find out my version of reality or give me the heads-up--called "911" because George was hallucinating and he had an anxiety attack. (He said I was threatening "to strip," and that he did not feel save.) Five police officers showed up at our door.

Trying to find the positive in this horrible experience, I convinced myself that God was testing my ability to forgive--to forgive George, and more to the point, to forgive his son.) God was also giving me this experience so that I can be a poster mom for you folks who never had children and who are wishing that you did--so that you would have theoretical help in sharing the responsibility of caregiving. As I have said many times before, "the calvary is not coming"--but we have each other, the members of this Forum, and our devoted director and mentors.

@georgescraftjr Whether you post often or not, YOU are always on my mind - and I know many others on this connect site. We're a family together in this, day and night, and never forget that. I am horrified that George's son, would tell his father to call 911 and you had to deal with such a troubling experience and one that was embarrassing and upsetting. How do we find positive when family members can't and don't relate because they simply aren't there to see what we go through every day as a caregiver. I'm saddened and disappointed in families - and friends - who remain in denial, do things that create more issues, or do nothing at all. A mere supportive direct call to you, would have solved the issue, and you could have given George the "anxiety" drugs he needs, or you could have called for help. Please know, you are not alone. The fact that you can find positive in what happened speaks to your value and the camaraderie we have on this site. I just wish I was there - we were there - to help you, calm George and take your worry away. Without his son by your side, or even the courtesy of calling you first, when he knows his father is sick, why would he tell his father to do that? I don't know the relationship you have with this son, but I do know it's time to have a come-to-Jesus discussion to prevent him from doing it again. None of us need the "the wrong calvary" to come (the police!) because of a foolish son, who clearly has his own issues, and directs his "confused" father in the worst way. Just breathe today another day, yes...another journey. Love you George's wife.....Karla

@kjc48 thank you, Karla…you always find positivity in all that you are handling. What a strong and brave woman you are! We are not dealing with all that you are (moving, renting, renovating etc), but the the loneliness in making financial decisions and health decisions and other household decisions that used to be made by a committee of 2- I find that overwhelming also. I find myself now using the pronoun “I” instead of “we”, because it mostly falls to me. Sometimes I think of the “business side” of caregiving as triage. What do I need to put at the top of today’s list, and what can slide until tomorrow? The sun is out here this morning also, so I’ll proceed accordingly.

@georgescraftjr
Hello:
My immediate thought when I read what you wrote (We can do it!), was, "We have to do it!"
We have to, because no one else will, no one else wants to, and may not want to even if you pay them.
Guess I woke up in a mood.

@ocdogmom
This. Just what you said! The loneliness of decision-making, from the large ones (financial etc) to the small ones “What’s for dinner tonight?”). It does get tedious, frustrating and very very sad. It’s been gradual with me…at first just double checking to see if bills were paid, then paying a few that fell through the cracks, and now, I’m on a first name basis with our lawyer, our financial people etc. My husband recently opened a JCPenney credit card so he could get a discount on some clothes he purchased. The bill just came and it was for $2.98. Why not forget about the discount and just use one of the two main credit cards he carries? We did not need another card. I feel like the boy who put his finger in the dike on some days. Put out one small leak and another couple start up. And I know he is scared, frustrated etc. He ran his own company and now has to depend on me for things he would have handled easily. You are wise to journal and talk out loud! (I talk to the dogs, who are very excellent listeners!). I remember when my dad died of a heart attack, his doctor saying “don’t ever keep it all inside”. (And that is why I am here, every day, reading, sometimes commenting, but always lurking. Thank you all!

@moea -how wise you sound…and how blessed to have family to come and stay a night so you can recharge! That is a great idea, as is writing letters to oneself, or journaling. This is the week my husband will have his PET scan to see if he will be receiving Leucanemab or possibly Kinsula. I so appreciate you and everyone here! This is a lonely journey-for us and for our loved ones in a different way. Stay well!

@2me yes, the loneliness in decision making is so overwhelming. One of the things I miss the most is the partnership my husband and once had. My bright beautiful husband, I could ask him a question, and he would answer. Now, he can't figure it out. From the garage door that won't go down, to measuring something for pendant lighting, to the tech issues on the phone/PC (oh my god, that drives me nuts), to basic math where I just want someone, anyone to answer what seems to be a simple question - although if it was, I would have probably figured it out. Just all of it, from looking at bank statements, to insurance summary reports, to what we're paying the builder to date, to bills, it's amazing, how different they respond with delayed thinking, and their inability to piece it all together. The sadness in the world that comes from so many people with altzheimer's, dementia, and other "brain conditions." My husband told me the infusion center he goes to for the lequembe infusions is packed with people from 60 years on up. May this morning's sun warm your soul and prepare you for another courageous day. Best, Karla

@labrown I was a hs teacher for 30 years. Loved my students and faculty and constant interactions. Now having my wife unable to have a conversation, combined with the‘friends’ who can’t be here for me - ISOLATION, is tough for me. Yes a couple friends are wonderful but not the same.

@gratia I go back and forth through these threads as they give me hope and daily clarity. The loneliness we describe and how to get through it. I think of the poem, "Footprints." I remember giving my mother the poem (in a wall plaque) when she died only to somehow realize I either misplaced or threw it out accidentally at some point. Two days ago, a small book marker fell out of of one of my books and my husband found it on the floor (and somehow knew not to throw it away). It was "footprints". I think how we get through the day's loneliness is by recognizing that God carries. That one set of footprints is the Lord's reply: I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." Best, Karla