Blaming and anger: How do you deal with it?

@rubyredkate My husband began showing signs of loss about seven years ago. At first I wasn't even sure I was noticing anything; I thought maybe it was just me. But when friends began to assure me that I wasn't making it up, I realized where we were going. It all went very slowly and he was able to function quite well for a long time. It was so gradual, until I began to feel a lot of frustration at his repetitiveness and generally annoying behavior. He started aggravating our Chihuahua, that we've had for nearly ten years, and there was a lot of chaos in the house. I nearly gave the dog away but, thankfully, I didn't. He keeps my company now and I'd be lost without him. My husband had a bad fall in August and that was a major turning point. It was clear something had to be done, so I really didn't have to make a decision. Without that fall, he might well be home today. How do you one day decide today's the day to find another home for him where he can get the care I can't provide. I have health issues too. If he were to fall again on my watch, we'd both be in big trouble. When you reach a breaking point, you'll know. Meanwhile, you cope the best you can. This is hard and that's the truth. I find the sadness almost the worst part of this ordeal. I'm sure I'm experiencing more grief than my husband is, for which I'm grateful. He has enough to contend with.

@lkbous
My husband was just having several days a month of the strange behavior but now it is daily and hourly. I journal every day and that helps. Our normal is not normal but we get used to it so if I don't journal I forget what the days behaviors were. The behaviors are so bizarre that a person who is functioning normal cannot recall them properly. Years ago a schizophrenic person was talking to me and when I tried to recount the conversation to my husband, I couldn't because my mind was rational and remember something so irrational just was not possible. So anyway journaling helps. When I go back and read my journal I am amazed that his behaviors did not just shock me but it is my new normal.

Thinking of you all during this holidays. My husband has the same technology confusion and other memory loss.

I made plans to get together with friends and family and had planned a really rich holiday season. Now I am at home with the flu and had to cancel our plans. My husband keeps asking me to go out with him. He doesn’t seem to understand that I can’t because I am not feeling well.

It is interesting that my husband does not seem to feel the loneliness or frustration as much as I do—as long as I am there to respond to all his requests.

Wishing you all a happy holiday.

@lizzabeth
I would like to reply to all the MCI folks out there. I believe this stage can be very damaging to the spouse who is not ill. No one sees what we see.
we are told “oh i do that also”, or isn’t that normal aging, or he seems fine to me.” It leaves us doubting our reality. Especially when our MCI loved one behaves like every thing is normal.
I personally experienced the Grieving cycle for about 5 years. Slow learner or just in denial? I really don't know.
What i did figure out for me is that the phrase CareGiver has been most of my problem. Because we really are not in that roll yet. I am a companion, a helper, a rescuer, i have been the protector from himself crew (which he resents).
These are all behaviors of two people whose gifts balance one another in an average relationship.
But seeing myself as his caretaker only caused marital devision.
Please Help me think of a new name that fits us all better. Perhaps it will give us all a new outlook on our lives.

Have you told your Dr. that you are feeling like this? Please do, and get some medication and help. It is especially frustrating before they admit it; you are spinning your wheels and as for me, I felt that as far as he was concerned everything I said or did was wrong.
It will get better, eventually he will have to admit he has a problem, or other family or friends will persuade him. I feel for you, and please, please take care of yourself. I will say a prayer for you,
God bless you in this time of sadness, I have been there!

@lueverson, I agree with @nancindancin. Please share your situation with your doctor and make sure you have some support for you. They may have recommendations.

Dealing with anger and denial is something that is often discussed in the group. It's common as this list of discussions shows: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/

@murkywaters, just shared a similar situation a few days ago here:
- Blaming and anger: How do you deal with it?https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/blaming-and-anger/

I moved your post so you can connect with others talking about blaming, anger and denial.

Thinking of you all during this holidays. My husband has the same technology confusion and other memory loss.

I made plans to get together with friends and family and had planned a really rich holiday season. Now I am at home with the flu and had to cancel our plans. My husband keeps asking me to go out with him. He doesn’t seem to understand that I can’t because I am not feeling well.

It is interesting that my husband does not seem to feel the loneliness or frustration as much as I do—as long as I am there to respond to all his requests.

Wishing you all a happy holiday.

@grandmajoan

Teepa Snow said something like, "You may be one person in the world, but to one person, you are the world."
My husband is similar to yours in that it seems he believes I exist to take care of him. When I tell him I'm sick or ailing, it just leaves him, like water sliding off a duck's feathers. But appealing to him for help because I need it also works. So he wears a tracker because I've told him if I get sick or injured I need to find him so he can help me.
I've recently figured out that I have to outsmart Alzheimer's, find ways to get around it.
I hope you feel better. Flu is no fun.