Blaming and anger: How do you deal with it?

Over the years I have developed a theory about the source of these negative reactions by people with dementia (e.g., blaming, resisting). I have seen three frequent causes:

1. Physiological Changes that change personality. I know that this happens and you have my wholehearted sympathy if you are facing this. I do think that some people assume that their loved one is experiencing this when in fact, the negative moods may be one of the other two cases below.

2. Their own pain, shame and frustration at their condition leads them to lash out in an effort to feel better by finding others at fault.

I have found that my most useful phrases are:

“My fault!”
“Silly me!”
“ I’m sorry, I can’t believe I forgot to do that!”
“You would think I’d know better by now”

… and…when they have done something wrong (or terribly staining )

"No problem!”
“ These things happen”

Yup. I don't wait to be blamed. I take the blame proactively. If you do this just as they are doing something wrong, it can preempt the frustration or embarrassment, avoiding the negative behavior altogether. Often, I even ham it up when I take the blame, exaggerating my chagrin, so we can laugh about it together :).

3. Escalation of tense interactions. For example, it could be that I was terse because I was in a hurry, and that then made him anxious. Or, it could start with him getting cranky and me responding in kind. Either way, negative feelings can feed on each other or persist much longer than desired.

I try to be mindful of this. I read that dementia patients often do “emotional mirroring”, that is, they display negative emotions when they sense stress in the people around them, and that they pick up on non-verbal cues of people being anxious, impatient, or rushing around them My husband is very sensitive to tone. So if I want for things to go smoothly, harmoniously and as fast as possible, I know that I have to maintain an upbeat and caring tone. This has a fabulous side-effect: By acting calm and loving I feel better than if I let myself act out stress.

The last tip I will share on this is to remember: Don't let an outburst rattle you. They usually blow over quickly or can be dispelled with some distraction. I found that if I let it get under my skin, I am likely to stew over it long after my husband has gotten over his little snit!

I acknowledge the feeling, accept the truth of the experience, but not the implied judgment. “I know you’re angry about ___________, I’m sorry you are hurting. “ That’s it. I never argue the facts of the situation. I never defend or explain or try to “prove” my perspective.

@memoriestomoments Your post hit home…I too am trying to remain calm, keep a cheerful countenance, and I try to diffuse any thing that may pop up in the course of the day that may cause my hubby to stress. I don’t always succeed but when I do, it certainly makes for a much calmer and controlled day!

@labrown
It’s so much about retraining ourselves right? Someone wisely mentioned that parents can reach back into the tactics that worked when raising their children. We did not have children so I’m discovering as we go.

One thing that I found is that going all the way from him getting peeled at something, through me absorbing it, to expressing love right then can do wonders. It can change the mood 180 degrees, fast. It is the ultimate “distraction”The best thing is that these moments of expressed love become a regular thing and becomes the dominant part of your life with Alzheimer’s.
Wishing you continued growth and love as a couple.

*Hand in Air* So after the anger and giving them a calm explanation and then a repeat of the anger and then you start to explain what has really happened and they tell you "Just Shut Up!." And then you get more anger and accusations and you start to explain again and they say "SHUT UP!!" (This is from someone I have known for 25-years and was the nicest person in the world, whom I never had a cross word with')

I guess I should watch The Chosen again.

I think that what I gathered from my experiences was that explaining or trying to make things clear……isn’t likely to work. It was better to agree and go to their perceptions. Instead of explaining to my dad that he couldn’t walk and wasn’t mobile enough to go to the barbershop, I’d say we would go the following week when I would take a day off to take him. Trying to convince, didn’t work well. Their mental processing is faulty. They aren’t trying to be difficult. Still, it is exhausting for caregivers.

It was incredibly stressful to deal with on a longterm basis. It actually caused me health issues. This is why I don’t recommend it. Many people applauded me for what I did…..but it was too much, even with outside help coming in. I wish others all the best, but hope they are realistic with what it entails. Caregiver fatigue is real. Please keep in communication with someone who can help and assist in finding you resources.

@elliottw Don't explain. Walk away.

@gilkesl M husband with worsening dementia, gets upset if he feels I am treating him as a child. I have been living by these rules,but Ifind them difficult:
Developing special sense dealing with people with memory issues begins with three Golden Rules:

GOLDEN RULES OF DEMENTIA

-Don’t ask direct questions
-Listen to the expert – the person with dementia – and learn from them
-Don’t contradict.

It works. I don’t argue with him or have unreasonable expectations. I never use the word “Remember when…”
I have trouble being so submissive in what was a very equal relationship before this wretched disease.

When my husband gets angry and tells me I'm out of my mind, I walk away. Inevitably, he approaches me a few minutes later and has forgotten about whatever it was that infuriated him.

@shewhowatches1

I don't know if the "walk away" comments above resonate with you. I don't need to do it often but I found that it was a really important option.
- Most importantly, it takes you away from a situation that is corrosive to your feelings and dignity.
- It takes your Person out of their combative groove.
- It also keeps you from getting tense or angry which, of course, would make your Person reactive.
- It can, if used regularly, register with them as a boundary situation to avoid.

It is what others have said but I thought it was worth repeating because of that last line of your post. I think that things like not contradicting on fairly neutral matters feels like love bestowed as an equal, not capitulation, But if it spills over into taking verbal abuse that feels like you are being forced to be submissive, that threatens your sense of equality, your sense of dignity, and possibly even your love.

Stay whole.