Long-term depression

@parus I am so sorry that you were ever made to feel responsible for your father's choices, that was not at all fair nor correct. Your picture is lovely, thanks for sharing some beauty with us all!
Teresa

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have had clinical depression and high anxiety for years and have been on medication. All antidepressants don't work or they need to be changed over time. Discuss this with your doctor. A religious person may also help with regard to your issues with suicide, but you MUST get treatment. I have felt like you last year and it went on for 8 mos. I also thought of death and dying. Unfortunately, I have other medical issues and it's hard to balance them all. Also, I'm 71 and single with no children or close by relatives. If you have a good friend who really cares it might help. Have you gone to psychotherapy? I know that can work and I plan to go back. You need to talk to someone and family sometimes aren't the best choice.

I agree with Teresa that you had to carry that burden all your life. I, too, love flowers but can't garden because of my knees so I buy myself a nice bouquet every now and then.
Jane

@shoregal, i w just like to get a potting bench but it sounds like too much of an expense to buy on my own decision. I live with my grown kids. Im sorry to hear about everyone's depression. I too have been depressed since 2006 when my divorce went through. I didnt want it. Anyway, we just need to hang on and hope for something good. Love, Judy (Dany) hi everyone

@shoregal45 I don't do much gardening anymore, but still have some and they pretty much take care of themselves along w/ some TLC. Understand the knee thing. All we can do is keep trying when we can.

Some more happy faces from my little secret garden-a tribute to my father.

I would not ever discuss how I truly feel with my family. They only see the sunny side of me as they nor anyone else needs to know about how I truly feel. I can present very well with "smiling depression".

Thought of this conversation when I was out walking this morning! Wild in the woods and I have no idea what it is beside pretty!

@hopeful33250 Thank you...a minor in English and not a teacher...more of a poet and artist. I am focusing on being more accepting of my own limitations and not groveling in the murky past. Indeed a challenge. As is true of others, as I read here, physical limitations can pull forcibly on self esteem and and at times (too often) I find myself in maudlin mush. Self pity gets this new member no where and as I have stated afore, depression is a liar. So easily come the words, so insurmountable the wall, doth, at times seem.

Thank you for the time and effort you put forth.

Beautiful ... I love wildflowers. Back in our house, when I was still married, I had 3 wildflower gardens. I loved them .... I had VA bluebells, trillium, wild ginger, Lenten rose and all sorts of things. It's a beautiful blue color, just like spiderwort. Thanks for sharing that .... makes me feel good.
abby

Hi Dany ..... I totally understand about your lingering depression after your divorce. I was the same way for well over 10 years. I'm better now, but after 40 years you don't just walk away and poof ... it's over. I guess some people do, but not most. During that time, more than once my therapist pulled me off the ledge, if you get my drift. It's a hard thing to go through, at least for most caring people. I felt as though I'd been "thrown away." You probably get what I'm saying. But, slowly the heaviness begins to lift - very slowly - and now I'm doing pretty well. In fact, I've found "me" and not my X's clone. Take care .... you're going to make it ... trust me.
abby