When and how to take over?

I can't say whether his dizziness, imbalance, has anything to do with dementia; however, if he is anything like my husband, saying "please" or that you are concerned (rightly so), will not sway him from doing what he wants to do. I'm going through so many arguments with my husband about his being outside in the yard or in the garage, but he insists. He is blind and it is dangerous! After several bizarre actions and forgetfulness, even though he wears a device that will notify me if he falls and I have an indoor and outdoor camera, I have hired someone three times a week as a companion for 3 hours so I can go to the gym, run errands and go to art class for peace of mind. Of course, my husband says he doesn't need a babysitter. He was diagnosed with mild cognitive dementia last year.

@mlougw This must be a common problem, so why is there no solution for us? It is "deja vu all over again" for me: second marriage, second caregiving burden and second stubborn husband who cannot be reasoned with. I am trying so hard to get a diagnosis of his cognitive state but none of his doctors want to go there. They want to play me against him on what is going on, to the point of making us mad at each other. When the neuro-psych examiner told me that a diagnosis of cognitive disorders would make no difference, I nearly had a nervous breakdown at the Barrow Institute. Why else were we there? And of course it makes a difference TO ME, who has to decide if something he said or did should be treated kindly or piss me off!

@corinda Loving and caretaking/supporting someone who has mental decline is sure not easy.

I’m glad you’ve chosen what I understand are world leaders in this sphere. Their expertise is recognised internationally.

I’m glad to hear they’re not quick to make a diagnosis under family pressure. A diagnosis can have severe implications, including for where your husband is allocated the next time he’s admitted into hospital. I made a mistake some years back mentioning at admission that my father might have mild dementia and he was placed in a room with severely affected dementia patients. It was extremely confronting and difficult for him and he didn’t belong there. At least not then, and even now.

My sister is a clinical nurse and gave me what for! On her strong advice we haven’t got my 91 year old father tested.

We don’t need a diagnosis to know him and his limits and give him a pass when he does things that are annoying. It’s often hard to reason with him, he’ll just do what he wants to do, so we have to respectfully manage him! Like making sure he showers, that he puts his clothes out to be washed and doesn’t try to wear the same pair of under jocks, let him tell the same story countless times as if we hadn’t heard it before etc etc.

@mlougw my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine having to worry about blindness on top of dementia. I love your idea of hiring a person for that purpose, as we all know we need to take care of the caregiver too! I will have to start learning what resources are available in our area, as I do believe that will be something that would help us both! I’m sure finding “the right person” was tricky for you. Best wishes, and thank you for your thoughts!

Worsening vision is a symptom of dementia, and decreases tolerance for darkness. This can cause confusion due to shadows and low light being disorienting. This is info from the Alzheimers Association.
More extremely it could lead to anxiety and paranoia; probably you're not there yet.
Maybe a headlamp on a cap will help him feel more safe and help him see.
Good luck!

@corinda
A formal diagnosis absolutely does make a difference, for legal reasons number one (since folks with cognitive impairment may not be able to legally/ethically sign important documents that they do not understand anymore).
Also, DMV-wise, once he has a diagnosis you may be held liable if he is driving and has an accident, since you have awareness of his issue.

I used to be a director for a Caregiver NonProfit. I taught classes on dementia care and caregiver self-care, including how to "dance" around a partner with MCI.
Now, 20 years later, my husband is exhibiting signs of dementia, and like so many others, he is accustomed to "being in charge". Consequently he gets frustrated when he can't remember something or can't maneuver a simple task like working a dishwasher. I get frustrated with him but then I remember that it's out of his control and I try to be more patient with him.
After that, I feel sad, alone, and scared, he's been my rock and I dread what may be ahead as his condition worsens. I realize that I'm rambling and that I just needed to vent a bit.

@judimahoney Thanks so much for this caring and helpful reply! I do need to get in touch with the Alzheimer’s Association again (we were on a weekly Zoom call with them awhile ago, but my husband was discouraged and scared by hearing people’s stories who were further down the path). We do have a headlight; what a great idea to try! Thanks again!

@cahna2019 This must be very difficult for you, having the experience of “knowing”, from your career. It is so hard to know what to do to help our loved ones when they are frustrated…and we all have our “good days and not-so-good days” when it comes to patience. It’s so wonderful we have this place to ramble, share and to vent!

@corinda omg you poor girl! I JUST had that happen with his primarycare—. He said my husband didnt need to be tested if he didnt want to — of course he doesnt want to! He is a toddler and proclaims i am completely fine”— and he believes its.
then our primary care doctor told me (in front of my husband) that i cant talk to him about my husbands situation because of hippa and that i could go to prison if i try to again- so now— my husband laughed outloud with a ‘ha- ha’ like a schoolyard bully. He sure got one up on me, he thought.
Very hurtful, but also…if me as his caregiver cant talk to his doctor, how am 8 supposed to take care of him adequately?
Plus- like the neurophsycgologist you saw said, our primary care also said a diagnosis makes no difference at all. I beg to differ— it DOES. Then we caregivers would have a name to what we are battling and when our husbands say cutting biting things to us we would know that it is only the disease and not the man himself. What do we do? anyone have thoughts? hang in there my friend— we are in very similar boats.