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@mlougw This must be a common problem, so why is there no solution for us? It is "deja vu all over again" for me: second marriage, second caregiving burden and second stubborn husband who cannot be reasoned with. I am trying so hard to get a diagnosis of his cognitive state but none of his doctors want to go there. They want to play me against him on what is going on, to the point of making us mad at each other. When the neuro-psych examiner told me that a diagnosis of cognitive disorders would make no difference, I nearly had a nervous breakdown at the Barrow Institute. Why else were we there? And of course it makes a difference TO ME, who has to decide if something he said or did should be treated kindly or piss me off!
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@corinda
A formal diagnosis absolutely does make a difference, for legal reasons number one (since folks with cognitive impairment may not be able to legally/ethically sign important documents that they do not understand anymore).
Also, DMV-wise, once he has a diagnosis you may be held liable if he is driving and has an accident, since you have awareness of his issue.
@corinda omg you poor girl! I JUST had that happen with his primarycare—. He said my husband didnt need to be tested if he didnt want to — of course he doesnt want to! He is a toddler and proclaims i am completely fine”— and he believes its.
then our primary care doctor told me (in front of my husband) that i cant talk to him about my husbands situation because of hippa and that i could go to prison if i try to again- so now— my husband laughed outloud with a ‘ha- ha’ like a schoolyard bully. He sure got one up on me, he thought.
Very hurtful, but also…if me as his caregiver cant talk to his doctor, how am 8 supposed to take care of him adequately?
Plus- like the neurophsycgologist you saw said, our primary care also said a diagnosis makes no difference at all. I beg to differ— it DOES. Then we caregivers would have a name to what we are battling and when our husbands say cutting biting things to us we would know that it is only the disease and not the man himself. What do we do? anyone have thoughts? hang in there my friend— we are in very similar boats.
I don't know about every community, but I know there are private companies that will come to YOU and do an evaluation of your loved one. I worked for someone that did guardianships of elderly people through the courts when they either didn't have any family or their family was taking advantage of them (very sad). Besides "guardianship protection" the words "mental health management" were also part of the corporate name. I accompanied her on several occasions to observe (since I had my degree and worked as a social worker under her license for several years) while she gave both simple and complex tests for cognitive impairment.
One woman had been a caregiver for her mother for over five years. She had been engaged to be married but had put off her marriage to care for her mom. Finally, since her brother was willing to do his part if his mother would just move into an assisted living with memory care in his small community 45 minutes away, she was referred to my boss. My boss had already evaluated the mother and declared her needing to be placed in memory care...the next visit, she approached the mother by saying very sweetly how much the son wanted to do his part and spend more time with her....and further, "I'm sure you want your daughter to be happy and the only way that will happen is if you give your son a chance to be your main caregiver." It worked.
Every state has its own laws and it is so imperative that Health Care Surrogacies and Power of Attorney docs be complete way before it gets to a too-late stage.
Keep track by writing a list of behavior and personality changes that have been evident in your loved one over time and then you can pretty much verify for yourself if mild cognitive decline has become worse. And many physicians' forms ASK who has permission to discuss diagnoses so trying to see early on that the appropriate person (spouse and/or adult child usually) has permission to discuss a patient is important. Remember if circumstances change (especially in our current culture of kids not speaking to their parents), get those forms edited.
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@corinda Loving and caretaking/supporting someone who has mental decline is sure not easy.
I’m glad you’ve chosen what I understand are world leaders in this sphere. Their expertise is recognised internationally.
I’m glad to hear they’re not quick to make a diagnosis under family pressure. A diagnosis can have severe implications, including for where your husband is allocated the next time he’s admitted into hospital. I made a mistake some years back mentioning at admission that my father might have mild dementia and he was placed in a room with severely affected dementia patients. It was extremely confronting and difficult for him and he didn’t belong there. At least not then, and even now.
My sister is a clinical nurse and gave me what for! On her strong advice we haven’t got my 91 year old father tested.
We don’t need a diagnosis to know him and his limits and give him a pass when he does things that are annoying. It’s often hard to reason with him, he’ll just do what he wants to do, so we have to respectfully manage him! Like making sure he showers, that he puts his clothes out to be washed and doesn’t try to wear the same pair of under jocks, let him tell the same story countless times as if we hadn’t heard it before etc etc.