When and how to take over?

@cahna2019 im sorry for your situation…just know youre not alone— there are lots of us who are feeling those same feelings right now…dementia is horrible. noone ‘actuall’ gets that until it comes face to face with them, amd— you’d never wish that on anybody. We are here though.

Thanks for all these comments. My husband has a mild age-related dementia and I have to do finances,most of cooking,keep on reminding him of what to do. Cant leave him alone in the house cuz he has problem walking, weak balance. Try to do stuff outside the house cuz if not he would be sleeping all day.
I know as a caregiver of your spouse with dementia is difficult but what keeps me going with comfort is my great faith in God. I pray everyday that the Lord will give me strength and peace and it works for me.

@rebeccagrover
I became my husband's Power of Attorney, and had to sign a special form from the Healthcare Administration allowing me to speak on my husband's behalf, and hear all info pertaining to his Healthcare, attend his appointments, take calls from his Docs, etc.
Good luck.

@judimahoney We haven’t had my father diagnosed on the advice of my clinical nurse sister because in his case we see it as being more harmful to him. It’s not helpful for him, just distressing. He used to be a senior lawyer. I was also a senior lawyer retired early due to stage 4 cancer (in remission).

I have had an enduring power of attorney from my father for many years. It was put in place when he did his Will and when he and my mother travelled and he needed me to pay bills.

I’ve been using that for years with his knowledge and approval to avoid legal issues. As a family (a brother and sister) we argue and agree what I recommend to my father. We have agreed that his longstanding GP who has known my father for years makes the call if we can’t agree, like whether or not he gets vaccinations. We do the same with his long standing financial adviser over his finances. My father has approved that approach.

I still keep my father heavily involved in decisions about him. In the here and now yes he’s a young child now in many ways. But he’s still very switched on over his medical and financial affairs, although he’ll forget the conversation very quickly. We need to remind him of the conversation and go back through it again where necessary (like what repairs to do to his house). He’ll make the same decisions which is still helpful. There will come a time when he won’t.

The enduring power of attorney - made while he was still a high powered practising lawyer - has been invaluable. I hope others had the foresight to get an enduring power in place early.

I have granted one myself “just in case” having learnt from my father’s situation.

It’s a balancing act. We still visit his GP frequently with him and she’s never discussed his mental state but is comfortable with what she sees in the here and now before her. Appointments take longer as we have to explain everything and answer his questions.

I think it depends very much on the person with cognitive decline - what is best for them in their daily lives. Whether a diagnosis WILL actually improve that person’s life, or make it worse.

@judimahoney thank you- yes I can imagine needing to go that- but without a formal diagnosis yet and without his doctors support- I’m stuck . My hands are completely tied

@rebeccagrover I appreciate in the future maybe that will be possible- thank you

@judimahoney --

thank you for your input, but I'm afraid his vision loss (total in one eye and almost there in the other eye) is due to glaucoma. He quit driving about 8-9 years ago, and it has thankfully been a slow process. Then on top of that, in December, he was diagnosed with cancer in the "good" eye! Just found out the first three months of treatment (chemo drops 3-4x per day) for a week--and then continuing to suffer with burning and itchiness for another 7-8 days--has been working; however, I'll need to continue giving him those drops 3 more months to eradicate it completely, the eye doc says. It is a celebration for those two weeks and we try to do satisfying things together.
The main problem is my husband never had any other hobby except country dancing--and that's been over for many years now. He just loves to work (was a general contractor and electrician) and has had trouble stopping! He does listen to a lot of audible books and music...but falls asleep if he doesn't keep moving. Yes, I think the dementia is causing great anxiety--no paranoia yet--just angry with me for hiring someone but it's time!
I'd have to say his very red, swollen, angry eye causes me to be much more sympathetic and loving. Prayer and a book I recently purchased: "Stronger Than Stress" 10 spiritual Practices to win the battle of Overwhelm"
by Barb Roose has been helpful! Real practical ways to destress. I highly recommend it!

@corinda

I don't know about every community, but I know there are private companies that will come to YOU and do an evaluation of your loved one. I worked for someone that did guardianships of elderly people through the courts when they either didn't have any family or their family was taking advantage of them (very sad). Besides "guardianship protection" the words "mental health management" were also part of the corporate name. I accompanied her on several occasions to observe (since I had my degree and worked as a social worker under her license for several years) while she gave both simple and complex tests for cognitive impairment.
One woman had been a caregiver for her mother for over five years. She had been engaged to be married but had put off her marriage to care for her mom. Finally, since her brother was willing to do his part if his mother would just move into an assisted living with memory care in his small community 45 minutes away, she was referred to my boss. My boss had already evaluated the mother and declared her needing to be placed in memory care...the next visit, she approached the mother by saying very sweetly how much the son wanted to do his part and spend more time with her....and further, "I'm sure you want your daughter to be happy and the only way that will happen is if you give your son a chance to be your main caregiver." It worked.

Every state has its own laws and it is so imperative that Health Care Surrogacies and Power of Attorney docs be complete way before it gets to a too-late stage.

Keep track by writing a list of behavior and personality changes that have been evident in your loved one over time and then you can pretty much verify for yourself if mild cognitive decline has become worse. And many physicians' forms ASK who has permission to discuss diagnoses so trying to see early on that the appropriate person (spouse and/or adult child usually) has permission to discuss a patient is important. Remember if circumstances change (especially in our current culture of kids not speaking to their parents), get those forms edited.

@cahna2019 First of all....vent all you want! We are here for the same thing.....ask for advice, give advise from our own experiences, ask what's ahead.... AND to vent!!!! Because if your friends are not going thru the same thing you are, they won't understand, but in here we all get it and we're hear to listen...so vent away my friend!
Love. Strength and Peace to you

I find it so hard to know when to manage and when to let go with my husband. He was diagnosed with MCI 2 years ago and the symptoms are becoming more pronounced. Yesterday we had a huge fight because he wants to replace all the grout in our marble tile bathroom. He’s not a tradesman and has only watched you tube videos. I told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea. That resulted in an hour heated discussion about how our marriage of 48 years is terrible, I don’t trust him, I don’t respect him and he’s going to move out. This happens quite often now, even over little things like asking him to turn the TV down. It’s so exhausting and so difficult to remember that it’s the disease talking. It’s hard not to take it personally .
This forum helps me remember that I’m not losing my mind and all I can do is make the best decisions I can daily. And the truth is that some days I want to move out, just for some peace.