Survivors of toxic relationship with a Narcissist: Let's Connect

@gingerw after my posting I started scrolling and Dr Ramani has been highly recommended so that is a start. I have been in this relationship for 5 years now. I met him 13 years ago, and he was my best friend! Before we started dating I idolized him as the kind of guy I'd want my daughters to marry.. his girlfriend was absolutely psycho tho!!! I never understood why he stayed with her cuz she as off her rocker !!! Haha!! Boy was I wrong!! Before dating him I was independent, didn't put up with any crap from a guy.. you had one chance and if I even questioned a guys actions or something in ur gut tells u ehhhh . Then I'd walk away.. I was always happy smiling loved my job had a nice house car vacations I had. A great life.. best friends with him and his girlfriend for 7 years spent holidays together his girlfriend was super cool we got along great.. the last 2 yrs they were together one of them were always calling me he'd say she was going nuts for no reason and making these crazy stories up in her head.. and she'd call me saying he's lying about all kinds of stupid things like work or whatever . Id spend all day driving he around to catch him doing something shady.. never caught him doing anything wrong . They broke up and after 6 months of him hiding out in hotels from her he was broke no where to go so I met him stay at my house. Then we started dating . Well within 3 months I caught him lying and with his ex.. didnt say anything to him he came up with some story why he didn't come home til 630 am.. and he left for work.. so I bleached All his clothes and packed up all of it and left it out on the deck . And that is that.. u lie and I'm so done.. then came the trauma bonding.. she found out she had cancer and went to be in the hospital with her but lied cuz he said I'd be mad if he told me the truth.. he made it sound so traumatic and I felt bad for her and him . Lol. That entire story was. Lie.. his ex has so many life threatening diseases in 1 year it was crazy!! Cancer lupus and heart failure and she was allergic to the sun suddenly too . And that crap has continued for 5 years.. wow!!! I suddenly feel relieved... I think I've got this... Woah

@tlstark08 I suggest you get on YouTube and look up Dr. Ramani and listen to her videos about narcissists. She is a psychologist with a vast amount of knowledge on exactly what you are describing. My father was NPD and I have been in relationships (if you want to call it that) with narcissists. It is difficult to get away from them. It is difficult to realize that they are not who they led you to believe they are and the drive to try and get back to the point it started is impossible and devastating. These folks are charming and manipulative. They are able to read people and say and do what wonderful things in the beginning...this breaks and the mask starts to crack. There is something called a "trauma bond." Dr. Ramani describes it well. I understand the pull of wanting to stay in the relationship, even when there is a part of me that knows it is emotionally abusive. You realize that talking to him is pointless and yet there is a part of you that really doesn't want to break away. It is a terrible place to be and I get it. It is a cycle. Give yourself some grace. Seriously, go watch and listen to Dr. Ramani. Be sure you are on her YouTube page. Reach out if you need.

@tlstark08 I
Hi
I’m Sheila I am searching for help as well. I just left a very abusive torturous marriage. He was a mean controlling narcissist he mentally abused me terribly. I’ve never encountered anything like this and I’m searching for help.

I’m searching for help. I just left a very abusive marriage. He was a very mean controlling,mentally abusive man. I have never encountered anything like this in my lifetime. I’ve giving it God but I believe it’s affecting my health as well. I just need guidance and understanding.

@sheila1960, Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Often, when we find ourselves in abusive relationships, it is a good idea to seek some insight-oriented counseling so that we can learn how to set appropriate boundaries and how we might develop healthier relationships in the future.

Have you considered counseling?

@hopeful33250 yes absolutely.. I had to leave with nothing. It was my only way out and he has locked me out of all of our bank accounts. He moved all our money. He had been doing it for months. I’m 66 years old and I’m on Social Security. I am having to start my life over at 66 years old. I just can’t afford it at this time.. I’ve been searching for support groups and I’ve been involved there. But I think I need more. I’m still in disbelief that I allowed it to happen. I’m in disbelief that he wasn’t the man that I thought he was. There’s just so many things that my mind just keeps playing over and over and over and my health is declining. I have been to my doctors. They are all aware of it. I know I can get through it. I just have to find a way.

@sheila1960 I will be 61 next month. left six months ago with my car, clothes, and my mom's ashes. I lost everything else because of him. Luckily I am able to stay with a daughter and her family. I had to move several states over, and starting over in an unfamiliar state and city. It was scary at first but after being here for six months, my mind is finally starting to clear and I'm starting to accept my surroundings. I hope that you are able to find the support and help as you get back on your feet. I'm here for support if you need someone to talk to!

❤️

Thank you for your support. I’m very fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends for support. However, they just can’t understand the trauma that’s comes with this type of abuse. This will forever scar me. I’m determined to overcome. I want no contact with this monster. I’ve issued a restraining order. it’s possible I’ve been sheltered all my life living in a very, very small community. This is my home my community he was born and raised in Southern California. I live in southeast Missouri. The only friends he has are the ones so I gave him the only family he has other ones I gave him his entire family has blocked him from their life for over 10 years. He still determined to try to slender me with whatever resource he can find he thinks he’s a victim. I’ve never encountered anything like this in my life.. Im just not sure how to start the healing process.. He lied to me about his entire life story I found his ex-wife and his family, and they were more than willing to talk to me. He did the same exact thing to her and his children. He’s already been cheating lying stealing who are these people?

@diverdown1 Dr. Ramani is the best! Like you, I got help from Dr. Ramani on You Tube, that has helped me to cope, immensely! Both of my parents were narcissistic! One, though, in particular, was a Malignant Narcissist, where they had to have complete control, over everyone in the household, and then some! I was severely abused, both physically and mentally, by both of my parents, as a child, and grew up, in extreme fear and anxiety, as an everyday occurrence! The parent who was the Malignant Narcissist, targeted me to be the outcast of the family. I have 4 siblings, and i was the second oldest! My other siblings were mentally abused by my parents, but not physically beaten, by both parents, like I was! It was a horrible childhood for me, where I had to stay in a corner, in the basement, much of the time, when my parents weren’t making me to housework, or yardwork! My siblings all had bedrooms, that they shared, but not me! If I tried to speak up, while eating, at the table, as a child, I was verbally reprimanded, and sent to the basement, with no more food, and the basement door locked! So, I left home, and stayed with school buddies, my last year of high school! I couldn’t take it any more! One of my parents had thrown me down the basement stairs, in a fit of anger, at the time, where I sustained a serious leg injury, in a lot of pain, and huge swelling, where I couldn’t get
up! My parents were screaming at each other, and would not help me, and would not call 9-1-1! So, after about an hour or so, of my lying on the cement floor, in pain, my younger sister called my older sister ( who had left home, and gotten married ), who came over right away, helped me to get up the steps and into her car, and she drove me to the hospital ER! I couldn’t tell the Dr.’s what happened, and I never complained to anybody about my abusive parents, my entire childhood and high school years, except my sisters, because, many times, over and over, my patents told me, they would kill me, if I complained to anybody, in the family, or Doctor’s, or anybody else, and it got back to them! I was absolutely petrified/ scared that they would kill me, if I said a word to anyone about how they abused me! I left home, after the basement injury. So, it was like a breath of fresh air, when I left home, in my senior year of high school ( homeless ), and I never came back to live in that home, again! Anyway, I made a good life for myself, with no supportive parents, or family, except my older sister, in my younger years! Somehow, I managed to put myself through college, and ended up, working for a big, international company, in a management position, making a six figure income, and raised a family of my own, successfully! So, Dr. Ramani helped me get through the mental after affects, of what I had gone through, as a child, with her You Tube programs. Two of my siblings are narcissistic, and I have had some problems dealing with their self-centered attitudes! Both of my parents passed away, a number of years ago, and, as I am approaching 80 years old, dealing with multiple medical problems, looking back on my life, I don’t know how I managed to climb out of my abused childhood, and be able to be successful at overcoming such adversity! Maybe it helped a bit, when I majored in Psychology, during my college years!