Survivors of toxic relationship with a Narcissist: Let's Connect

@dyas well, here is the latest. We are moving September 20. It’s a small community of homes close to Puget Sound. We are renting a home. We will keep you posted.

Namaste 🙏

I am also looking for a group for narcissistic abuse. I’ve been watching videos and reading. I have lots of experience with it because it ran in my family and it’s also my son and husband’s families. I don’t have any friends and I’m 71 years old. I function well, I do Art, I have an excellent relationship with my husband. But it still happened that I attracted the attention of bullies and some pleasure in making me miserable. Not all of them. Some people just reacting to whatever they think I’m doing. I’m looking for a way to meet people. My sister-in-law knows so many people in this town that when I’ve gone out there to meet people, they know her or people who live where I live. My sister-in-law told me to my face that she wasn’t gonna let me hang out with her friend. When she called me and told me she was friends with a person who I had just met that was way too personal for me and it freaked me out. I’ve been having difficulty getting myself to go to these public places where there are groups because of cliques. I am working with a psychologist on this, but he doesn’t have a clue what I can do. I’ve had people go out of their way to hurt me and I’ve asked many of them not to do it and they didn’t listen. They come up with excuses and gaslight basically saying they’re doing nothing wrong and I have a self-esteem problem. That couldn’t be further from the truth. A person knows when people are letting them be comfortable in a social setting. They seem to be people who get away with this sort of behavior, but I don’t think they understand the gravity of it and how it has hurt my husband and our marriage.

@kstars
There are a couple of simple rules. Narcissists are in a world of their own where they are the center. Nothing else and no one else matters, except for what they can do to validate and support their narcissist fantasy. Make no mistake, that fantasy is almost impossible to shatter.
With an N, you can't win. He'll disorganize your mind and reality. Do not be a co-dependent to an N. It's a slow death. You are not being attended to. You're being manipulated.
People in general, by human nature, are there with you because it serves some purpose for them. Even if it's just camaradarie. When your purpose is served, they are gone.
During Covid "friends" used our safe facilities. They brought all their relatives. We had a great time. Thought there was a bond. When Covid was over, didn't hear from them again. Was I hurt? No. Whadyaexpect?
Schopenhauer is good on many of these subjects.
Your resource and go -to place is your Self. Many of us "don't have one" because parents (narcissistic ?or just ignorant) don't know what a child (rugrat another mouth to feed) really
needs to develop psychologically. Their parents were probably just as ignorant, or busy trying to get away from the armies of some oppressor, and make a living in a new country.
If your Self is not well developed, your work is to strengthen it. If it is well developed, be a light unto yourself.

@shmerdloff
You make some very good points! If we go into adulthood with a weak sense of self, it is like walking through life carrying an empty paper bag. We are constantly looking for someone to fill it, and we often choose people to fill it. In order to free ourselves from the narcissistic person, we have to begin filling our own bags with healthy relationships and successes.

It can be difficult to do, that is why we need support and an understanding on how to fill those empty bags.

@hopeful33250

I’ve been fortunate to extricate myself from an ex many years ago. A 6 year ordeal of hell. Well, the first 14 months were divine. Grooming and love bombing was substantial. I occasionally think of it and lately it came to mind and for some reason feel better.

Years later, I encountered 2 more in the workplace. Other professionals. One moved away and the other imploded. Their own doing.

Currently, I am dealing with an Na in my family. Not the outwardly, obvious kind, but subtle and long term. I have decided there will be a resolution. Weighing my options. Contact is limited, but I want less. I suspect most people do not realize how this disorder works and how deceiving it can be.

Oh, I thought of a question about it. How can things like autism, ADHD and OCD fit in with narcissistic personality disorder? I’ve encountered someone who has all those, but not sure about Na. I can deal with the first three, but not NPD.

@shmerdloff

Narcissists and narcissistic abuse as a catch-all;

Yes, I agree, and thanks for responding, @shmerdloff; I could use some help; maybe someone here can! Let me explain. This will be a long list of their behaviors that many people complain about. Some will find it interesting if not familiar:

**The Narcissists I have known haven’t had much trouble getting their way in life and have been validated regularly in some way - maybe overvalued by many for their appearance, or for what they could command in life. When it came to me, I was only useful for a time and then discarded or even abused cruelly from the start. I had great connections early in life, but it all changed when I started my first years of primary employment. Unfortunately, I have had the most encounters with narcissists who have the advantage in a power dynamic and have exploited that, such as bosses, parents, and clergy. Most of these people have refused to stop their behaviors (such as violating my privacy, talking over me, refusing to let me speak, refusing to engage me/ignore me, threatening my livelihood, disparaging me, undermining my marriage, undermining my reputation, threatening to limit my social connections, poisoning the minds of prospective social connections, to list some); even, or maybe especially, when I was clearly in pain, stating they don’t know what I am talking about, and then complaining I am making people walk on eggshells. Maybe they routinely impose their presumed ‘superiority’ as though maybe everywhere is their domain. And they clearly don’t understand cause and effect. In most cases, I have noticed they frame it as if I don’t have self-esteem/confidence, but their hurtful behavior is deliberate, and they claim it isn’t the cause of the problem; they point to ‘my shortcomings’, which seem to anger or encourage them. They even complain that I am easily cowed (even though I am standing up to them), so I shouldn’t blame them at all for having to ‘tolerate’ me. Sound familiar? If you ask many of them, they are masters of the art of making the right choices in life, and I am a ‘failure’ (even though I have achieved plenty). The worst people were unaware of my positive qualities and were operating on a misconception.

I’ve worked with people like that, and I am related to a few of them by marriage, and it has taken a toll on my marriage, health, and now my ability to form social bonds. I need to build some social contacts independently out of necessity since it is just my husband and me, and we are older. And I don’t drive and have mobility issues. I wouldn’t be able to help myself out of my home in an emergency. I am afraid to try again after meeting many people all over town who appeared to know the narcissists, and I don’t know how to get around the pitfalls, especially since the narcissists related to my husband live in my building. Besides, the places I’ve tried to go to meet people are riddled with people like that, as I have found, even if they don’t know them. It is quite common! Also, I do not want to go somewhere ‘just to meet people’ because that is problematic. I have been to senior centers for art and writing classes where I have skills, and some people go out of their way; in these as well as themed discussion groups, it is often territorial, based on who did what for a living, who has what degree, or who has connections or income. I have never felt the need to impose a hierarchy; I have only competed with myself behaviorally. I had brilliant friends who were attractive and a lot of fun in high school, but we weren’t in a popular group, and there were no preestablished standards or expectations. We were all considerate of each other. By contrast, I have seen my husband’s family complain about how horribly the niece and her daughter are treated by her ex, yet they engage in the same behaviors because it is okay if they do it. LOL. For them, it is all about what is good for them, and theirs only, as you said.

Narcissists I know (for lack of a better term) rarely seek out fact-based ways to get to know me, and instead rely on appearances and misconceptions, as I said. Nothing deep, and maybe that is all they are capable of to maintain their superiority. When I point out their skin-deep judgments, they might still deal in non-sequiturs and claim I am negative for complaining about injustices, but fail to see their own cynicism toward others.

I want ideas on where to go to find better conditions, or the best possible outcome- no guarantees, of course 😉 Any feedback is welcome.