Survivors of toxic relationship with a Narcissist: Let's Connect

We invited my brother and his N wife to dinner. With no heads up, they arrived with a stranger whom my sister in law had met the day before and just brought her. Zero regard for others.

Hello @gardenchef and others in this discussion group,

In your post, you mentioned "setting up healthy boundaries." When an individual is separating themselves from an unhealthy relationship, setting healthy boundaries, as you mentioned, is an important first step.

Share, as you are comfortable, how you set up boundaries. Were there particular actions you took to keep yourself emotionally safe from the unhealthy relationship?

I see this thread is over a year old and I am in such a desperate need of talking to others who have been in a relationship with a narcissist. I can't say I'm a survivor yet because I'm still begging and pleading for him to talk to me because as normal I'm on the silent treatment probably til mid week as always . I can't keep living like this because I'm not even living anymore and havent for years. I feel so pathetic and just cannot believe that I havent the slightest clue on what to do or how to live day to day with out his f____ bulls$*t!!! Why am I begging him to tear me down more? Why can't I just be done with him. It's sickening to me and I am desperate to talk to someone who understands what I'm going thru right now. I can't think of a word that describes the level of distress I'm in right now.. please point me in the right direction for a support group anything that will help me help myself out of this daily f--ing turmoil !! Sorry about the cursing , I just ugghh!!! Uggh ugh . I can't do this by myself

@tlstark08 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Although this discussion was started in mid-2024, it continues to be active, the last post before yours was just last week!

May I suggest you take time to read through the posts by other members, and see what tools they have come up with to help them in their own situations?

Perhaps if you tell us a bit more about yourself, like how long have you been in this situation? Have you attempted any therapy for yourself or the both of you?
Ginger

@gingerw after my posting I started scrolling and Dr Ramani has been highly recommended so that is a start. I have been in this relationship for 5 years now. I met him 13 years ago, and he was my best friend! Before we started dating I idolized him as the kind of guy I'd want my daughters to marry.. his girlfriend was absolutely psycho tho!!! I never understood why he stayed with her cuz she as off her rocker !!! Haha!! Boy was I wrong!! Before dating him I was independent, didn't put up with any crap from a guy.. you had one chance and if I even questioned a guys actions or something in ur gut tells u ehhhh . Then I'd walk away.. I was always happy smiling loved my job had a nice house car vacations I had. A great life.. best friends with him and his girlfriend for 7 years spent holidays together his girlfriend was super cool we got along great.. the last 2 yrs they were together one of them were always calling me he'd say she was going nuts for no reason and making these crazy stories up in her head.. and she'd call me saying he's lying about all kinds of stupid things like work or whatever . Id spend all day driving he around to catch him doing something shady.. never caught him doing anything wrong . They broke up and after 6 months of him hiding out in hotels from her he was broke no where to go so I met him stay at my house. Then we started dating . Well within 3 months I caught him lying and with his ex.. didnt say anything to him he came up with some story why he didn't come home til 630 am.. and he left for work.. so I bleached All his clothes and packed up all of it and left it out on the deck . And that is that.. u lie and I'm so done.. then came the trauma bonding.. she found out she had cancer and went to be in the hospital with her but lied cuz he said I'd be mad if he told me the truth.. he made it sound so traumatic and I felt bad for her and him . Lol. That entire story was. Lie.. his ex has so many life threatening diseases in 1 year it was crazy!! Cancer lupus and heart failure and she was allergic to the sun suddenly too . And that crap has continued for 5 years.. wow!!! I suddenly feel relieved... I think I've got this... Woah

@tlstark08 I suggest you get on YouTube and look up Dr. Ramani and listen to her videos about narcissists. She is a psychologist with a vast amount of knowledge on exactly what you are describing. My father was NPD and I have been in relationships (if you want to call it that) with narcissists. It is difficult to get away from them. It is difficult to realize that they are not who they led you to believe they are and the drive to try and get back to the point it started is impossible and devastating. These folks are charming and manipulative. They are able to read people and say and do what wonderful things in the beginning...this breaks and the mask starts to crack. There is something called a "trauma bond." Dr. Ramani describes it well. I understand the pull of wanting to stay in the relationship, even when there is a part of me that knows it is emotionally abusive. You realize that talking to him is pointless and yet there is a part of you that really doesn't want to break away. It is a terrible place to be and I get it. It is a cycle. Give yourself some grace. Seriously, go watch and listen to Dr. Ramani. Be sure you are on her YouTube page. Reach out if you need.

@tlstark08 I
Hi
I’m Sheila I am searching for help as well. I just left a very abusive torturous marriage. He was a mean controlling narcissist he mentally abused me terribly. I’ve never encountered anything like this and I’m searching for help.

I’m searching for help. I just left a very abusive marriage. He was a very mean controlling,mentally abusive man. I have never encountered anything like this in my lifetime. I’ve giving it God but I believe it’s affecting my health as well. I just need guidance and understanding.

@sheila1960, Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Often, when we find ourselves in abusive relationships, it is a good idea to seek some insight-oriented counseling so that we can learn how to set appropriate boundaries and how we might develop healthier relationships in the future.

Have you considered counseling?

@hopeful33250 yes absolutely.. I had to leave with nothing. It was my only way out and he has locked me out of all of our bank accounts. He moved all our money. He had been doing it for months. I’m 66 years old and I’m on Social Security. I am having to start my life over at 66 years old. I just can’t afford it at this time.. I’ve been searching for support groups and I’ve been involved there. But I think I need more. I’m still in disbelief that I allowed it to happen. I’m in disbelief that he wasn’t the man that I thought he was. There’s just so many things that my mind just keeps playing over and over and over and my health is declining. I have been to my doctors. They are all aware of it. I know I can get through it. I just have to find a way.