Things never change

@kartwk How, barring a scary episode like you experienced, do you actually get them off the internet and to stopping accessing the bank accounts? My husband is in the early stages of AD and still drives and handles his own and our joint bank accounts, but the using the computer and his phone is getting more and more difficult. Reading everything that can happen with scams, viruses, hacks, etc. is frightening and I would like to pre-empt something happening, but he's convinced he doesn't have a problem and when he forgets a password or has trouble logging in to something, he just changes it (sometimes successfully, sometimes not!) and then has no idea what to do. He blames the tech, of course, and when I try to help him he barks at me so it is a struggle each time. I want to keep letting him handle as many things as he can for his own self-esteem, but I do worry about financial matters and tech security. And I worry about his anxiety that he's losing his abilities. It is a tightrope I didn't expect to have to walk, but am trying to be compassionate AND secure.

@bluesky221
I truly appreciate what you went through etc. It is difficult. I cried when I read it because I understand how difficult it is.

Can you tell me more about your problems getting his PCP to give him a diagnosis?

The most recent problem is with his bank account. He spends hours changing his passwords, etc. I donot leave much money in this account and rightfully so. Went to bank yesterday and found that someone had made a 1,965.57 withdrawn from it to Loews! Evidently it was done on the phone. NO, it was not H. They are tracking it down. It was done on May 24, so it was good I checked it. The bank wants me to go over things and see if any earlier withdrawals were made, small amounts like under 10 or 20 dollars and not in rounded amounts because that is what they do to check out the account a lot of times b4 they go big time.
Clerk told him to stay off internet and stop changing his passwords all the time as he probably got into one that was bogus. Now he is scared and rightfully so.

@kartwk
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with fraud or identity theft on top of everything else! Sounds like he might have clicked on one of those fishing emails, texts, or popups that infect your phone or laptop or steal your credentials with phony banking websites.

If you haven't already, it might be a good idea to get a durable power of attorney in place while he still has the capacity to consent (for both finances and health).

It may also be time to revoke online access to all bank accounts. Maybe convince him by saying it's a way to keep the bad guys from accessing his accounts, and he can always check his balances by visiting the bank in person.

Regarding your question about the PCP, he just never took my comments seriously when I described the problems H was having. He didn't even do a simple cognitive test until it was already too late. His attitude was that H was just having the typical elderly memory problems and didn't need a neurology referral. Are you having any better luck at getting a diagnosis?

Wishing peace and strength for you.

@kartwk
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with fraud or identity theft on top of everything else! Sounds like he might have clicked on one of those fishing emails, texts, or popups that infect your phone or laptop or steal your credentials with phony banking websites.

If you haven't already, it might be a good idea to get a durable power of attorney in place while he still has the capacity to consent (for both finances and health).

It may also be time to revoke online access to all bank accounts. Maybe convince him by saying it's a way to keep the bad guys from accessing his accounts, and he can always check his balances by visiting the bank in person.

Regarding your question about the PCP, he just never took my comments seriously when I described the problems H was having. He didn't even do a simple cognitive test until it was already too late. His attitude was that H was just having the typical elderly memory problems and didn't need a neurology referral. Are you having any better luck at getting a diagnosis?

Wishing peace and strength for you.

@kartwk Your journey sounds exactly the same as what I went through for the last 8 months. It started out with the confusion, forgetfulness, accusations, trouble with conversations, inability to use the TV remote or his phone, etc. Progressed to not showering, shaving, trimming nails. Sat all day watching westerns on tv. Then finally stopped eating, gradually losing 100 pounds, lost all his muscle mass, had trouble walking, many falls.

He didn't have a diagnosis, and by the time his PCP realized something was wrong, H refused to leave the house to get an MRI or see the neurologist. We didn't get a diagnosis until we landed in the ER, where they were finally able to do an MRI: end stage vascular dementia. One month later, he passed away.

For the last eight months we fought, argued, threatened divorce, etc. Now I realize he just couldn't help himself. Now I have regrets: if only I had known had bad his condition was; if only I had managed it differently; if only I had realized how fast this was going to progress.

The key to the diagnosis was the MRI, which showed extensive white matter damage. There's nothing at that stage that they could have done to stop it or slow it down, but at least I would have known. And there are medications that can help to some extent with his depression, anxiety, paranoia.

Through all of this, his PCP was not helpful at all. I couldn't convince him that H needed help. Now I realize that I should have tried harder to have him seen by a neurologist much earlier in this journey, when I definitely knew something was wrong.

If his PCP refuses to do a referral, maybe you can meet privately with the PCP and explain all the symptoms that he's been having, and how they are progressing. Or try to get a second opinion. A last resort is ER, where they can do all the necessary tests and consult with the appropriate specialists; but be sure to stay with him throughout his time in ER, where his symptoms will likely take a steep downturn.

You're in the most difficult journey of your life. It's a journey none of us wanted, but you will get through it. Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

@kartwk How, barring a scary episode like you experienced, do you actually get them off the internet and to stopping accessing the bank accounts? My husband is in the early stages of AD and still drives and handles his own and our joint bank accounts, but the using the computer and his phone is getting more and more difficult. Reading everything that can happen with scams, viruses, hacks, etc. is frightening and I would like to pre-empt something happening, but he's convinced he doesn't have a problem and when he forgets a password or has trouble logging in to something, he just changes it (sometimes successfully, sometimes not!) and then has no idea what to do. He blames the tech, of course, and when I try to help him he barks at me so it is a struggle each time. I want to keep letting him handle as many things as he can for his own self-esteem, but I do worry about financial matters and tech security. And I worry about his anxiety that he's losing his abilities. It is a tightrope I didn't expect to have to walk, but am trying to be compassionate AND secure.

@kartwk How, barring a scary episode like you experienced, do you actually get them off the internet and to stopping accessing the bank accounts? My husband is in the early stages of AD and still drives and handles his own and our joint bank accounts, but the using the computer and his phone is getting more and more difficult. Reading everything that can happen with scams, viruses, hacks, etc. is frightening and I would like to pre-empt something happening, but he's convinced he doesn't have a problem and when he forgets a password or has trouble logging in to something, he just changes it (sometimes successfully, sometimes not!) and then has no idea what to do. He blames the tech, of course, and when I try to help him he barks at me so it is a struggle each time. I want to keep letting him handle as many things as he can for his own self-esteem, but I do worry about financial matters and tech security. And I worry about his anxiety that he's losing his abilities. It is a tightrope I didn't expect to have to walk, but am trying to be compassionate AND secure.

@bluesky221 Please don't feel guilty. Could have and should have need to be eliminated from your vocabulary. You did the best you could. You are an inspiration.