Things never change

He got mad at me the first time I threw him out of bed and told me he wanted a divorce. I was so upset with things that are going on with him, his deterioration, yelling at me, etc. that I agreed and started looking up lawyers.
After his first night on the sleeping bag he recanted.

Hello: I am not having issues with my husband not bathing, but the stubbornness for sure is happening.
Since I am now the chief cook and bottle washer, making all the decisions for both of us, sometimes I just yell and holler to get my point across, and have to be insistent and stubborn, telling him no, this is the way things are going to be.
I did read some advice about the bathing from a dementia practitioner. She said sometimes there is pushback regarding bathing because the bathroom is not warm, and they get cold when prepping to bathe, so she put a space heater in the bathroom to warm it up, bundled her person in a robe for entering the bathroom, and tried to make it a warm, inviting spa-like experience. She also had to trick them to get them into the bathroom in the first place, saying she needed their help in the bathroom, and once they were in there started helping them undress with no further comment. If your loved one is cognitively more present, this strategy may not work.
Hopefully someone with experience with this situation will chime in for you.
Take care. 🌹

@judimahoney

Just a thought… when my mom was in hospice care at home, they provided a ‘bath in a bag’. They were large wipes that didn’t need rinsing. Is that a possibility for at least some for those times a bath or shower just ain’t gonna happen?

@judimahoney

Just a thought… when my mom was in hospice care at home, they provided a ‘bath in a bag’. They were large wipes that didn’t need rinsing. Is that a possibility for at least some for those times a bath or shower just ain’t gonna happen?

@kartwk Your journey sounds exactly the same as what I went through for the last 8 months. It started out with the confusion, forgetfulness, accusations, trouble with conversations, inability to use the TV remote or his phone, etc. Progressed to not showering, shaving, trimming nails. Sat all day watching westerns on tv. Then finally stopped eating, gradually losing 100 pounds, lost all his muscle mass, had trouble walking, many falls.

He didn't have a diagnosis, and by the time his PCP realized something was wrong, H refused to leave the house to get an MRI or see the neurologist. We didn't get a diagnosis until we landed in the ER, where they were finally able to do an MRI: end stage vascular dementia. One month later, he passed away.

For the last eight months we fought, argued, threatened divorce, etc. Now I realize he just couldn't help himself. Now I have regrets: if only I had known had bad his condition was; if only I had managed it differently; if only I had realized how fast this was going to progress.

The key to the diagnosis was the MRI, which showed extensive white matter damage. There's nothing at that stage that they could have done to stop it or slow it down, but at least I would have known. And there are medications that can help to some extent with his depression, anxiety, paranoia.

Through all of this, his PCP was not helpful at all. I couldn't convince him that H needed help. Now I realize that I should have tried harder to have him seen by a neurologist much earlier in this journey, when I definitely knew something was wrong.

If his PCP refuses to do a referral, maybe you can meet privately with the PCP and explain all the symptoms that he's been having, and how they are progressing. Or try to get a second opinion. A last resort is ER, where they can do all the necessary tests and consult with the appropriate specialists; but be sure to stay with him throughout his time in ER, where his symptoms will likely take a steep downturn.

You're in the most difficult journey of your life. It's a journey none of us wanted, but you will get through it. Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

@kartwk Your journey sounds exactly the same as what I went through for the last 8 months. It started out with the confusion, forgetfulness, accusations, trouble with conversations, inability to use the TV remote or his phone, etc. Progressed to not showering, shaving, trimming nails. Sat all day watching westerns on tv. Then finally stopped eating, gradually losing 100 pounds, lost all his muscle mass, had trouble walking, many falls.

He didn't have a diagnosis, and by the time his PCP realized something was wrong, H refused to leave the house to get an MRI or see the neurologist. We didn't get a diagnosis until we landed in the ER, where they were finally able to do an MRI: end stage vascular dementia. One month later, he passed away.

For the last eight months we fought, argued, threatened divorce, etc. Now I realize he just couldn't help himself. Now I have regrets: if only I had known had bad his condition was; if only I had managed it differently; if only I had realized how fast this was going to progress.

The key to the diagnosis was the MRI, which showed extensive white matter damage. There's nothing at that stage that they could have done to stop it or slow it down, but at least I would have known. And there are medications that can help to some extent with his depression, anxiety, paranoia.

Through all of this, his PCP was not helpful at all. I couldn't convince him that H needed help. Now I realize that I should have tried harder to have him seen by a neurologist much earlier in this journey, when I definitely knew something was wrong.

If his PCP refuses to do a referral, maybe you can meet privately with the PCP and explain all the symptoms that he's been having, and how they are progressing. Or try to get a second opinion. A last resort is ER, where they can do all the necessary tests and consult with the appropriate specialists; but be sure to stay with him throughout his time in ER, where his symptoms will likely take a steep downturn.

You're in the most difficult journey of your life. It's a journey none of us wanted, but you will get through it. Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

@bluesky221
I truly appreciate what you went through etc. It is difficult. I cried when I read it because I understand how difficult it is.

Can you tell me more about your problems getting his PCP to give him a diagnosis?

The most recent problem is with his bank account. He spends hours changing his passwords, etc. I donot leave much money in this account and rightfully so. Went to bank yesterday and found that someone had made a 1,965.57 withdrawn from it to Loews! Evidently it was done on the phone. NO, it was not H. They are tracking it down. It was done on May 24, so it was good I checked it. The bank wants me to go over things and see if any earlier withdrawals were made, small amounts like under 10 or 20 dollars and not in rounded amounts because that is what they do to check out the account a lot of times b4 they go big time.
Clerk told him to stay off internet and stop changing his passwords all the time as he probably got into one that was bogus. Now he is scared and rightfully so.