Stress/Anxiety/Insomnia/Memory Issues

Posted by mandrake70 @mandrake70, Aug 30, 2019

Hi everyone,
I’ve had depression for the past 30 years or so and was on some heavy medications, tried ECT, etc. Nothing worked. I ended up trying the Ketamine Infusions and they worked for getting rid of my depression. I’m still dealing with anxiety and some really bad memory issues. I can’t remember a lot of things that happened in the past and I am having trouble with remembering new things. Sometimes I am OK with making new memories, other times I can’t recall a damn thing. My doctor is telling me that it’s the anxiety and the insomnia that is causing the problem with my memory. Before the Ketamine treatments, it was depression and anxiety that were causing my memory problems.
I’m scared that it’s the medication I was on for so long or the ECTs I underwent at the suggestions of my old doctor. She had me over medicated so I wonder if that could be some of the problems too. I have this fear that it is early onset dementia.
I’m also dealing with being separated from my wife and daughter right now. My wife pretty much gave up on me due to the depression and asked me to move out two months ago. Now that it is gone, she is angry about my memory issues and wants me to come up with a plan to fix everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. I tried sitting down with her last night with a pen and paper so I could get a list of things she felt needed to be fixed and she wouldn’t go over it again with me. I am pretty sure we are done at this point which is adding a lot of stress to my life. She has some issues too but doesn’t believe she does so they have gone untreated. Her issues have caused a huge rift in the family over the years and made my depression worse. I have always been a fixer so I keep trying to fix the marriage. I think at this point, it might be better if I stop trying.
My daughter asked me to take her to a therapist last night because of what she is going through right now and how she is feeling. I will be calling her doctor and getting that set up today. Something else for me to worry about right now and I am really scared for her.

Thanks for ‘listening.’

@mandrake70

@jimhd My wife texted me at 2:00 am saying she was hurting and to call her when I woke up. When I did call her, she explained that she didn't sleep last night and missed me. We talked for half an hour and I explained how what she has been doing has hurt me. I also explained that I was upset about her dismissing my daughter's depression by saying she just needed to vent. She started to argue with me and for the first time in a while I shut her down. I told her I didn't want to argue or fight and that this is what I had been talking about her doing. She said that she needed me to argue with her so that she would understand my point. I tried to explain that talking about something was one thing, but fighting about anything where I disagreed with her was pointless. She never felt she was wrong. She even started arguing about what had happened on Sunday. I stopped her and said you already apologized for that and now you are arguing that you did nothing wrong?

She asked me what I wanted to do about the marriage and I said that she had pretty much told me she wanted a divorce. I told her that when she had yelled at me for suggesting the marriage counseling I was pretty upset. I brought up the fact that she wanted to bring a friend along on a date night I had setup as a buffer between us. What is marriage counseling if not a buffer to help us communicate? She finally got the point about the counseling. It won't make a difference but she said she understood what I meant now. She wanted me to take a half day off to talk with her today. I said no, we could talk tomorrow. She gave me a hug as I was leaving. I didn't return it since the last time I tried to give her a hug she pulled away. This bouncing back and forth with her is driving me nuts.

When I saw the therapist yesterday, I went through my entire history with my wife from the day we met until this week. She basically said I had been abused. And, yet, when my wife needs something I am there to help. I know that I need to get divorced since my wife will never change and she will be the end of me if I go back. I've always wanted to fix things, even as a child, and to give up on my 16 year marriage is not easy for me. I know it is hurting my daughters too, my youngest worst of all right now. I pick up my daughter in the morning for school and from soccer in the evening and then take her to karate most nights. I have been making sure she is eating since I realized my wife isn't cooking dinners or helping with breakfast or lunch. I made breakfast and lunch for my daughter yesterday. My daughter made soup for herself last night and got her own breakfast and lunch today. I know she is old enough to take care of herself (she's 15) but to me that is something that a parent should be doing. It will be one of the things that my wife and I talk about tomorrow.

I think I am actually doing better today. I'm angry and not as depressed or anxious. I think being angry is helping me to deal with what I need to do.

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@mandrake70 I’m impressed, you sound so much better and like you said to your wife what you needed to say. That’s really great.
When you and your wife talk tomorrow try to not make issues out of small things. Then it diminishes the real issues. I used to have to tell my husband that. Sometimes with our kids he would be upset over trivial things but there were some major issues that would slide by.
When it comes to making dinner, I do know of a number of families where the mother works so the kids have to pitch in a lot, getting dinner started or totally making it, and other household chores. My husband was divorced and had custody of his son and daughter. They were 13 and 15 when he got divorced. They did have to help and his daughter did on some nights make the dinner. Often that makes them more responsible. Frankly my kids were somewhat spoiled because I didn’t work while they were growing up, I resumed working just before my daughter started college so I could contribute to the two college tuitions.

I hope things go well with your wife tomorrow. If you both manage to not be combative it should be constructive.
JK

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@contentandwell

@mandrake70 I’m impressed, you sound so much better and like you said to your wife what you needed to say. That’s really great.
When you and your wife talk tomorrow try to not make issues out of small things. Then it diminishes the real issues. I used to have to tell my husband that. Sometimes with our kids he would be upset over trivial things but there were some major issues that would slide by.
When it comes to making dinner, I do know of a number of families where the mother works so the kids have to pitch in a lot, getting dinner started or totally making it, and other household chores. My husband was divorced and had custody of his son and daughter. They were 13 and 15 when he got divorced. They did have to help and his daughter did on some nights make the dinner. Often that makes them more responsible. Frankly my kids were somewhat spoiled because I didn’t work while they were growing up, I resumed working just before my daughter started college so I could contribute to the two college tuitions.

I hope things go well with your wife tomorrow. If you both manage to not be combative it should be constructive.
JK

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Hello @contentandwell, you made some very good points in your post to @mandrake70. I especially like the phrase, "try to not make issues out of small things." It is important to save major confrontation for the major issues. Using "I" statements is better for the smaller areas of confrontation, such as: "I feel angry when you insist that I take care of you when you don't try to take care me."

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@mandrake70

@lisalucier Thanks. I took the Buspirone last night but still woke up around 4:30. Will give it a few more nights and see if it helps. I started the Prozac this morning. Hopefully that will start helping in a week or so.
I didn't ask about the memory issues yesterday. I was focused on the sleep issues. In the past, I have been told it was because of the depression and anxiety. That may be the cause or it could be some of the sleep issues. I will have to see if it starts getting better over time.

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Hello, @mandrake70 I noted that you just started taking a new med for anxiety, Buspirone. Please know that it takes a while for a new med to become effective. If you have any questions about when the new med will become effective, please talk with your doctor or your pharmacist. Pharmacists are a great resource for information about meds and they are easier to get in touch with than a doctor.

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@contentandwell @hopeful33250 Thank you both for the advice. The conversation with my wife went OK. She decided she wants to go to the counselor we saw several years ago after all and asked me to set up the meeting. She said she went to see him last week and I guess it went well. It seems the comment I made about having a buffer to work with us made her understand why counseling is important. I just don't know if I even want to keep trying at this point. I feel like I am dealing with two women when I talk to my wife and I never know which one I will get. This weekend I got the calm one and we were able to talk without a fight starting out. The other problem is I have no memory of the counseling. My memory is pretty much shot at this point and it has been difficult talking to my wife about things since she seems to remember everything perfectly. The times I do remember something that happened, we often have a different recollection of the events and what caused it so I am not sure about what she is telling me at other times.

I guess I am still having problems with all the things that my wife did in the past. I've tried to forgive her and I thought I did for a long time but every time she brings up issues with my mother or other things from the past I'm right back where we were several years ago. I guess the other problem is she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. When I brought up her accusation that I had an affair with her friend's daughter, she just said that the counselor said it may have happened. Needless to say, I didn't have an affair, the girl's parents no longer talk to my wife, and I really doubt the counselor said anything of the sort. I hate admitting I can't fix something but I also know that I can't fix things with my wife without going back to the way things were that pushed me over the edge with the depression. She has said she won't change who she is and I know that's true.

My daughter has always enjoyed cooking and has made a lot of meals and desserts too. I guess the issue for me is that she seems to be making all of her meals now. I took care of breakfast and her lunch again this morning and my wife never made an appearance. My wife has complained that she is a single mother now which really makes me angry since I am there for my daughter to take her to school each day, take her to doctor's appointments, eye glasses, pick her up from soccer, and take her to karate. We spend time talking in the car and I think she knows I am there for her no matter what. I've also been out to the house each weekend to fix things and help my wife with other work around the house.

I'm still not sleeping well and I am basically exhausted. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I got about 5 hours last night and I am ready to drop today. The sleep has been getting worse. I am going to call my doctor again today and see what else can be done. I know the buspirone will take a while to be effective but I'm not sure that anxiety is the problem and I can't go another few days without more sleep. I did have a dream last night – it was about having a splinter in my finger – but at least I had it and remembered it. The depression and anxiety aren't really there today so I am doing fine on that front. It's just the insomnia that is the problem at the moment.

I brought my daughter down to see my mother yesterday. My wife had said she didn't want the girls going over to my parents after the big blow up they had. This was the first time my daughter has seen her Grandmother in a long time. I had expected more of a fight from my wife but she was OK with it. I was actually really surprised because of how she has reacted in the past. I'm hoping we can make the visits a few times a month from now on but we will see how that goes. My mom wants to come to one of my daughter's soccer games so I will talk to my wife about that and see if it is a major problem for her.

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@mandrake70

@contentandwell @hopeful33250 Thank you both for the advice. The conversation with my wife went OK. She decided she wants to go to the counselor we saw several years ago after all and asked me to set up the meeting. She said she went to see him last week and I guess it went well. It seems the comment I made about having a buffer to work with us made her understand why counseling is important. I just don't know if I even want to keep trying at this point. I feel like I am dealing with two women when I talk to my wife and I never know which one I will get. This weekend I got the calm one and we were able to talk without a fight starting out. The other problem is I have no memory of the counseling. My memory is pretty much shot at this point and it has been difficult talking to my wife about things since she seems to remember everything perfectly. The times I do remember something that happened, we often have a different recollection of the events and what caused it so I am not sure about what she is telling me at other times.

I guess I am still having problems with all the things that my wife did in the past. I've tried to forgive her and I thought I did for a long time but every time she brings up issues with my mother or other things from the past I'm right back where we were several years ago. I guess the other problem is she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. When I brought up her accusation that I had an affair with her friend's daughter, she just said that the counselor said it may have happened. Needless to say, I didn't have an affair, the girl's parents no longer talk to my wife, and I really doubt the counselor said anything of the sort. I hate admitting I can't fix something but I also know that I can't fix things with my wife without going back to the way things were that pushed me over the edge with the depression. She has said she won't change who she is and I know that's true.

My daughter has always enjoyed cooking and has made a lot of meals and desserts too. I guess the issue for me is that she seems to be making all of her meals now. I took care of breakfast and her lunch again this morning and my wife never made an appearance. My wife has complained that she is a single mother now which really makes me angry since I am there for my daughter to take her to school each day, take her to doctor's appointments, eye glasses, pick her up from soccer, and take her to karate. We spend time talking in the car and I think she knows I am there for her no matter what. I've also been out to the house each weekend to fix things and help my wife with other work around the house.

I'm still not sleeping well and I am basically exhausted. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I got about 5 hours last night and I am ready to drop today. The sleep has been getting worse. I am going to call my doctor again today and see what else can be done. I know the buspirone will take a while to be effective but I'm not sure that anxiety is the problem and I can't go another few days without more sleep. I did have a dream last night – it was about having a splinter in my finger – but at least I had it and remembered it. The depression and anxiety aren't really there today so I am doing fine on that front. It's just the insomnia that is the problem at the moment.

I brought my daughter down to see my mother yesterday. My wife had said she didn't want the girls going over to my parents after the big blow up they had. This was the first time my daughter has seen her Grandmother in a long time. I had expected more of a fight from my wife but she was OK with it. I was actually really surprised because of how she has reacted in the past. I'm hoping we can make the visits a few times a month from now on but we will see how that goes. My mom wants to come to one of my daughter's soccer games so I will talk to my wife about that and see if it is a major problem for her.

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@mandrake70

I relate to what you said about memory, or the lack of it. I have some struggles with it, myself. Sometimes I say something to my wife and she tells me I'd said that more than once already. It's annoying to be told that, when the way she said it makes me feel like I'm being put down. On the other hand, I appreciate her good memory when I can't pull up a word or something like an appointment. Sometimes, though, she uses my memory lapses to make a dig about the medications I take. That never goes over well with me, mostly because I've had trouble with memory long before I took any medication.

I've been working on standing up for myself. I don't just let her make a jab and let it roll over my head.

Several years ago a counselor we talked with suggested a couples journal, which was a good idea for me because I can write out my thoughts better than speaking them. I don't think as fast on my feet as my wife does. Writing gives me time to get my thoughts in order before saying them. We used it to good advantage for a while, but the last time I wrote in it, she wrote a long note that brought up things I thought we had addressed and resolved. That kind of shut me down and I haven't written anything for quite a while.

It might not be pc, but there are times when women are different from men. Bridging the gap can be either challenging or exciting.

We've been married for 47 years, and the last 15 have been difficult because of health issues and having to retire ten years early. But over the past couple of years I've been trying to choose my words carefully, as well as avoiding saying as little as possible about things like the neuropathy pain or depression. I try to be more aware of her pain issues now and take the focus off mine.

It sounds like your wife is trying to be open to turning things around. Have you expressed your appreciation for that to her? I suspect she needs some extra love and attention now. With all that's going on it must be difficult for her – change usually presents emotional challenges. Some would say that that's true more for women than for men, but that isn't necessarily universally true.

There's a phrase that I often think of "love covers a multitude of sins.

Jim

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@jimhd

@mandrake70

I relate to what you said about memory, or the lack of it. I have some struggles with it, myself. Sometimes I say something to my wife and she tells me I'd said that more than once already. It's annoying to be told that, when the way she said it makes me feel like I'm being put down. On the other hand, I appreciate her good memory when I can't pull up a word or something like an appointment. Sometimes, though, she uses my memory lapses to make a dig about the medications I take. That never goes over well with me, mostly because I've had trouble with memory long before I took any medication.

I've been working on standing up for myself. I don't just let her make a jab and let it roll over my head.

Several years ago a counselor we talked with suggested a couples journal, which was a good idea for me because I can write out my thoughts better than speaking them. I don't think as fast on my feet as my wife does. Writing gives me time to get my thoughts in order before saying them. We used it to good advantage for a while, but the last time I wrote in it, she wrote a long note that brought up things I thought we had addressed and resolved. That kind of shut me down and I haven't written anything for quite a while.

It might not be pc, but there are times when women are different from men. Bridging the gap can be either challenging or exciting.

We've been married for 47 years, and the last 15 have been difficult because of health issues and having to retire ten years early. But over the past couple of years I've been trying to choose my words carefully, as well as avoiding saying as little as possible about things like the neuropathy pain or depression. I try to be more aware of her pain issues now and take the focus off mine.

It sounds like your wife is trying to be open to turning things around. Have you expressed your appreciation for that to her? I suspect she needs some extra love and attention now. With all that's going on it must be difficult for her – change usually presents emotional challenges. Some would say that that's true more for women than for men, but that isn't necessarily universally true.

There's a phrase that I often think of "love covers a multitude of sins.

Jim

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@mandrake70 I think @jimhd says some really good things here. Most marriages do have their ups and downs, issues, etc., and as we age our memories are not as good as they once were. As Jim commented that his wife will tell him he has said something before, my son does that to me all of the time, and of course he exaggerates and says I've told him that 100 times. Other than that annoying trait though he's an absolutely great son.

I too think your wife may be trying to either reconcile or maybe just wants to make future dealings between the two of you less stressful. The fact that she didn't object to bringing your daughter to visit your parents attests to that. In the end, only you can decide what is the best path to take, what makes you happy and feels right. I have problems also with some past issues. They are history now but they left an indelible mark, unfortunately. I wish I could really put them behind me, but unfortunately I cannot. They are there, and it has taken years but I am finally getting there I think. There were points when I thought we might not get beyond them but we did and for that I am glad.

Anxiety really is a sleep disrupter. I am anxious about something now myself and many nights I lie awake for hours, and then when I inevitably have to get up during the night, it starts all over again. My doctor gives me a very limited prescription for lorazepam, an anti-anxiety medicine and if I go a few nights with virtually no sleep I will take one and it does help.

I wish you the best and hope you can move forward with your wife on whatever path is right for both of you. If you still love each other then it's definitely worth an attempt to settle your differences.
JK

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Hang in there! You are doing the right thing by helping your daughter and yourself by getting treatment! Hope everything works out for you and your family whatever you decide to do.
Stay strong!
Deb Mono

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@contentandwell Thanks. I took Mirtazapine last night and I think it helped me sleep. I was awake again at 4:00 am but I was able to get back to sleep for two hours. I woke up with a horrible headache but that has passed for the most part. I do feel a little better today after getting more than my normal amount of sleep. I am hoping a few nights of good sleep and I will feel better. I also am hoping that I won't have the headache in the morning tomorrow but we will see.

I was on lorazepam for a while but weaned myself off of it after my psychiatrist screwed up the prescription and then wouldn't return my calls. My anxiety isn't too bad right now though I think it might be an issue with me getting back to sleep when I wake up at 3:00 or 4:00.

I don't know if I love my wife at this point. I've put up with a lot over the years and I think I am past my breaking point with her. I seem to be only able to remember the negative things now even though I try to remember the good things about the marriage. A lot of it is just emotion since I can't recall all of the things she has said or done. We don't talk about things now and I find I have very little to say to her that doesn't relate to the kids or to something I need to fix for her. I'll call the marriage counselor today and see about getting an appointment. Maybe it would help us at least be able to talk more.

@dmono2019 Thanks for the support!

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@mandrake70

@contentandwell Thanks. I took Mirtazapine last night and I think it helped me sleep. I was awake again at 4:00 am but I was able to get back to sleep for two hours. I woke up with a horrible headache but that has passed for the most part. I do feel a little better today after getting more than my normal amount of sleep. I am hoping a few nights of good sleep and I will feel better. I also am hoping that I won't have the headache in the morning tomorrow but we will see.

I was on lorazepam for a while but weaned myself off of it after my psychiatrist screwed up the prescription and then wouldn't return my calls. My anxiety isn't too bad right now though I think it might be an issue with me getting back to sleep when I wake up at 3:00 or 4:00.

I don't know if I love my wife at this point. I've put up with a lot over the years and I think I am past my breaking point with her. I seem to be only able to remember the negative things now even though I try to remember the good things about the marriage. A lot of it is just emotion since I can't recall all of the things she has said or done. We don't talk about things now and I find I have very little to say to her that doesn't relate to the kids or to something I need to fix for her. I'll call the marriage counselor today and see about getting an appointment. Maybe it would help us at least be able to talk more.

@dmono2019 Thanks for the support!

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@mandrake70 I think the first thing you do need to determine is if you do still love your wife, but do remember that marriage has its ups and downs. I remember one celebrity who had a long marriage, comparing it to a roller coaster. After the lows, you end up with another high point. I think it's a fairly decent metaphor. Many marriages do fail because the down time comes and they move hastily to end the marriage rather than sticking it out, but only you can determine if this is the case of if the relationship has disintegrated to the point of no return. The marriage counseling will probably be very helpful. I hope you will share how that goes.

That's great that you got a good night's sleep! I wish I had. I hope your headache improves. By the way, my sleeplessness was not from anxiety, it happened because my leg (I fractured my femur) was in a lot of pain yesterday so I took a pain pill last night. I should not have, they always give me insomnia.
JK

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@contentandwell I'm sorry to hear about your leg, that sounds horrible. And to compound it the insomnia has got to make it 10x worse. I hope that the pain is better today and that you will be able to sleep some. Hopefully, tonight you will be able to sleep a full night.

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@mandrake70

@contentandwell I'm sorry to hear about your leg, that sounds horrible. And to compound it the insomnia has got to make it 10x worse. I hope that the pain is better today and that you will be able to sleep some. Hopefully, tonight you will be able to sleep a full night.

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Thanks, @mandrake70 It happened on July 23 so it is improving but for some reason it was bad last night and is today.
JK

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@mandrake70

@contentandwell Thanks. I took Mirtazapine last night and I think it helped me sleep. I was awake again at 4:00 am but I was able to get back to sleep for two hours. I woke up with a horrible headache but that has passed for the most part. I do feel a little better today after getting more than my normal amount of sleep. I am hoping a few nights of good sleep and I will feel better. I also am hoping that I won't have the headache in the morning tomorrow but we will see.

I was on lorazepam for a while but weaned myself off of it after my psychiatrist screwed up the prescription and then wouldn't return my calls. My anxiety isn't too bad right now though I think it might be an issue with me getting back to sleep when I wake up at 3:00 or 4:00.

I don't know if I love my wife at this point. I've put up with a lot over the years and I think I am past my breaking point with her. I seem to be only able to remember the negative things now even though I try to remember the good things about the marriage. A lot of it is just emotion since I can't recall all of the things she has said or done. We don't talk about things now and I find I have very little to say to her that doesn't relate to the kids or to something I need to fix for her. I'll call the marriage counselor today and see about getting an appointment. Maybe it would help us at least be able to talk more.

@dmono2019 Thanks for the support!

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@mandrake70 You have a lot on your plate right now, with your family issues, plus your job, and your own personal things. And they all go around together, often overlapping each other in some form another, right? I am really glad to hear you are getting some restful sleep at night, even if it is not as much as you want. All my life I have been "an early morning person", no matter how late I get to bed.

I am glad you and your wife may consider joint counseling again, and hope it accomplishes what you want it to. Perhaps by setting it out with the therapist, right at the beginning, what the purpose of being there is/what your goals are [both as an individual and as a couple, with input from you both] you will find fuel to feed the fire of your relationship. In my own experience, my last marriage ended after I tried everything to get it to work. Our joint therapist was there for us, but my ex could not/would not participate, nor would he see that our marriage took two to work, and two to break down. Neither one of us was blameless.

For today, I hope you can reach out to your children, let them know of your love and support for them. Be gentle on yourself, and remind yourself that you are important, too.
Ginger

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