Stress/Anxiety/Insomnia/Memory Issues

@jimhd Thanks. Yep, I had a sleep study and I am on a CPAP machine. That shouldn't be the problem since I was just in about six months ago for a follow up. That was before the switches in medication, the separation, and the insomnia started. I have an appointment in a few hours to talk to my GP about the insomnia. I am hoping he will give me something to help with it and not just send me off to another sleep study. I'm pretty much exhausted right now.

My wife doesn't want to talk to me at this point. She has said no to counseling several times and is convinced that she is right about everything that has gone wrong over the last ten years. The problem is that she was the cause of most of the problems and I just stayed with her and took the abuse she dished out. My eldest has told me a few time that I just needed to stand up to her mother since she was walking all over me. I got to a point where I just couldn't fight any more and that is when my depression got worse and worse.

Right now, I am not sleeping well, the depression isn't as bad as it has been but it isn't good, the anxiety is manageable most of the time, and I am not on any medication for depression or anxiety besides the CBD oil which may or may not be doing anything. I'm seeing a therapist today and I hope that will help. I saw her a few months ago and she was really good. I'm going to see what she can do to help me.

I don't recall what the psychiatrist's diagnose was based on. My memory is shot at this point. I just know that I was in pretty bad shape and she started going through a ton of drugs until she settled on Olanzapine and Parnate. I did ECT's which I thoroughly regret at this point. I think they may have fried my brain since I think that is when the memory problems started.

@mandrake70 I hope that speaking with your GP will help with your insomnia. Like you, I have insomnia, sometimes pretty bad. When they did a sleep study, I didn't go into REM sleep, which explains why there are mornings it feels like I didn't get any sleep. Things that seem to affect my quality of sleep: temperature in the room. I need it cool, with warm blankets in the winter [I choose to use no heat!]. Sometimes the light filtration; what works better for you, complete darkness or some light? What about intrusion of light from outside, like street lights or motion detector lights? Also, I try to "dump" my brain before sleep, writing stuff down if need be to empty my thoughts. Mindful relaxation, starting at the toes and relaxing each part of my body, taking deep breaths. If you are used to sleeping with your partner, and they are not there at this time, that may disrupt your sleep. Limit your exercise before bedtime. Personally, I cannot get my mind to shut down from thinking about so many things going on in my life right now. The struggles you are going through with your wife and your daughter's issues would certainly be factors, also, in your insomnia. Remember we find it hard to function in a healthy manner when we cannot get true rest.
Ginger

@gingerw Thanks. I have been trying to figure out why I wake up so early, even when I am taking melatonin. Even when taking a sleep aid. My GP prescribed Buspirone for the anxiety and suggested I take two at night to help with sleep. Going to try that tonight and see how it goes. He also wants me to go back on Prozac which I was on 9 years ago. He thinks that will help with some of the depression I am having right now. Basically, something to help me get through the problems I am dealing with. I'm hoping I can get a good night's rest tonight. It will be the first in a long time.

Hi, @mandrake70 - just wanted to mention that my doctor has put me on fluoxetine (Prozac) for a couple of periods of time where I was especially anxious. Most recently, in the spring I talked to her and she put me on it for anxiety I was having during the process of buying a house, selling our current house, moving and making various larger purchases for the new home (e.g., carpet). I didn't find it to work instantly, but it did work. I had to have the dose upped once to get to the right place, though, from 20-40 mg.

You for sure have some really big stressors right now. It sounds like you are reaching out for help, which is a really good thing.

What has your doctor said about the memory issues you've noted?

@lisalucier Thanks. I took the Buspirone last night but still woke up around 4:30. Will give it a few more nights and see if it helps. I started the Prozac this morning. Hopefully that will start helping in a week or so.
I didn't ask about the memory issues yesterday. I was focused on the sleep issues. In the past, I have been told it was because of the depression and anxiety. That may be the cause or it could be some of the sleep issues. I will have to see if it starts getting better over time.

@jimhd My wife texted me at 2:00 am saying she was hurting and to call her when I woke up. When I did call her, she explained that she didn't sleep last night and missed me. We talked for half an hour and I explained how what she has been doing has hurt me. I also explained that I was upset about her dismissing my daughter's depression by saying she just needed to vent. She started to argue with me and for the first time in a while I shut her down. I told her I didn't want to argue or fight and that this is what I had been talking about her doing. She said that she needed me to argue with her so that she would understand my point. I tried to explain that talking about something was one thing, but fighting about anything where I disagreed with her was pointless. She never felt she was wrong. She even started arguing about what had happened on Sunday. I stopped her and said you already apologized for that and now you are arguing that you did nothing wrong?

She asked me what I wanted to do about the marriage and I said that she had pretty much told me she wanted a divorce. I told her that when she had yelled at me for suggesting the marriage counseling I was pretty upset. I brought up the fact that she wanted to bring a friend along on a date night I had setup as a buffer between us. What is marriage counseling if not a buffer to help us communicate? She finally got the point about the counseling. It won't make a difference but she said she understood what I meant now. She wanted me to take a half day off to talk with her today. I said no, we could talk tomorrow. She gave me a hug as I was leaving. I didn't return it since the last time I tried to give her a hug she pulled away. This bouncing back and forth with her is driving me nuts.

When I saw the therapist yesterday, I went through my entire history with my wife from the day we met until this week. She basically said I had been abused. And, yet, when my wife needs something I am there to help. I know that I need to get divorced since my wife will never change and she will be the end of me if I go back. I've always wanted to fix things, even as a child, and to give up on my 16 year marriage is not easy for me. I know it is hurting my daughters too, my youngest worst of all right now. I pick up my daughter in the morning for school and from soccer in the evening and then take her to karate most nights. I have been making sure she is eating since I realized my wife isn't cooking dinners or helping with breakfast or lunch. I made breakfast and lunch for my daughter yesterday. My daughter made soup for herself last night and got her own breakfast and lunch today. I know she is old enough to take care of herself (she's 15) but to me that is something that a parent should be doing. It will be one of the things that my wife and I talk about tomorrow.

I think I am actually doing better today. I'm angry and not as depressed or anxious. I think being angry is helping me to deal with what I need to do.

@mandrake70 I’m impressed, you sound so much better and like you said to your wife what you needed to say. That’s really great.
When you and your wife talk tomorrow try to not make issues out of small things. Then it diminishes the real issues. I used to have to tell my husband that. Sometimes with our kids he would be upset over trivial things but there were some major issues that would slide by.
When it comes to making dinner, I do know of a number of families where the mother works so the kids have to pitch in a lot, getting dinner started or totally making it, and other household chores. My husband was divorced and had custody of his son and daughter. They were 13 and 15 when he got divorced. They did have to help and his daughter did on some nights make the dinner. Often that makes them more responsible. Frankly my kids were somewhat spoiled because I didn’t work while they were growing up, I resumed working just before my daughter started college so I could contribute to the two college tuitions.

I hope things go well with your wife tomorrow. If you both manage to not be combative it should be constructive.
JK

Hello @contentandwell, you made some very good points in your post to @mandrake70. I especially like the phrase, "try to not make issues out of small things." It is important to save major confrontation for the major issues. Using "I" statements is better for the smaller areas of confrontation, such as: "I feel angry when you insist that I take care of you when you don't try to take care me."

Hello, @mandrake70 I noted that you just started taking a new med for anxiety, Buspirone. Please know that it takes a while for a new med to become effective. If you have any questions about when the new med will become effective, please talk with your doctor or your pharmacist. Pharmacists are a great resource for information about meds and they are easier to get in touch with than a doctor.

@contentandwell @hopeful33250 Thank you both for the advice. The conversation with my wife went OK. She decided she wants to go to the counselor we saw several years ago after all and asked me to set up the meeting. She said she went to see him last week and I guess it went well. It seems the comment I made about having a buffer to work with us made her understand why counseling is important. I just don't know if I even want to keep trying at this point. I feel like I am dealing with two women when I talk to my wife and I never know which one I will get. This weekend I got the calm one and we were able to talk without a fight starting out. The other problem is I have no memory of the counseling. My memory is pretty much shot at this point and it has been difficult talking to my wife about things since she seems to remember everything perfectly. The times I do remember something that happened, we often have a different recollection of the events and what caused it so I am not sure about what she is telling me at other times.

I guess I am still having problems with all the things that my wife did in the past. I've tried to forgive her and I thought I did for a long time but every time she brings up issues with my mother or other things from the past I'm right back where we were several years ago. I guess the other problem is she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. When I brought up her accusation that I had an affair with her friend's daughter, she just said that the counselor said it may have happened. Needless to say, I didn't have an affair, the girl's parents no longer talk to my wife, and I really doubt the counselor said anything of the sort. I hate admitting I can't fix something but I also know that I can't fix things with my wife without going back to the way things were that pushed me over the edge with the depression. She has said she won't change who she is and I know that's true.

My daughter has always enjoyed cooking and has made a lot of meals and desserts too. I guess the issue for me is that she seems to be making all of her meals now. I took care of breakfast and her lunch again this morning and my wife never made an appearance. My wife has complained that she is a single mother now which really makes me angry since I am there for my daughter to take her to school each day, take her to doctor's appointments, eye glasses, pick her up from soccer, and take her to karate. We spend time talking in the car and I think she knows I am there for her no matter what. I've also been out to the house each weekend to fix things and help my wife with other work around the house.

I'm still not sleeping well and I am basically exhausted. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I got about 5 hours last night and I am ready to drop today. The sleep has been getting worse. I am going to call my doctor again today and see what else can be done. I know the buspirone will take a while to be effective but I'm not sure that anxiety is the problem and I can't go another few days without more sleep. I did have a dream last night - it was about having a splinter in my finger - but at least I had it and remembered it. The depression and anxiety aren't really there today so I am doing fine on that front. It's just the insomnia that is the problem at the moment.

I brought my daughter down to see my mother yesterday. My wife had said she didn't want the girls going over to my parents after the big blow up they had. This was the first time my daughter has seen her Grandmother in a long time. I had expected more of a fight from my wife but she was OK with it. I was actually really surprised because of how she has reacted in the past. I'm hoping we can make the visits a few times a month from now on but we will see how that goes. My mom wants to come to one of my daughter's soccer games so I will talk to my wife about that and see if it is a major problem for her.