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Stress/Anxiety/Insomnia/Memory Issues
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Nov 25, 2020 | Replies (135)Comment receiving replies
@contentandwell @hopeful33250 Thank you both for the advice. The conversation with my wife went OK. She decided she wants to go to the counselor we saw several years ago after all and asked me to set up the meeting. She said she went to see him last week and I guess it went well. It seems the comment I made about having a buffer to work with us made her understand why counseling is important. I just don't know if I even want to keep trying at this point. I feel like I am dealing with two women when I talk to my wife and I never know which one I will get. This weekend I got the calm one and we were able to talk without a fight starting out. The other problem is I have no memory of the counseling. My memory is pretty much shot at this point and it has been difficult talking to my wife about things since she seems to remember everything perfectly. The times I do remember something that happened, we often have a different recollection of the events and what caused it so I am not sure about what she is telling me at other times.
I guess I am still having problems with all the things that my wife did in the past. I've tried to forgive her and I thought I did for a long time but every time she brings up issues with my mother or other things from the past I'm right back where we were several years ago. I guess the other problem is she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. When I brought up her accusation that I had an affair with her friend's daughter, she just said that the counselor said it may have happened. Needless to say, I didn't have an affair, the girl's parents no longer talk to my wife, and I really doubt the counselor said anything of the sort. I hate admitting I can't fix something but I also know that I can't fix things with my wife without going back to the way things were that pushed me over the edge with the depression. She has said she won't change who she is and I know that's true.
My daughter has always enjoyed cooking and has made a lot of meals and desserts too. I guess the issue for me is that she seems to be making all of her meals now. I took care of breakfast and her lunch again this morning and my wife never made an appearance. My wife has complained that she is a single mother now which really makes me angry since I am there for my daughter to take her to school each day, take her to doctor's appointments, eye glasses, pick her up from soccer, and take her to karate. We spend time talking in the car and I think she knows I am there for her no matter what. I've also been out to the house each weekend to fix things and help my wife with other work around the house.
I'm still not sleeping well and I am basically exhausted. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I got about 5 hours last night and I am ready to drop today. The sleep has been getting worse. I am going to call my doctor again today and see what else can be done. I know the buspirone will take a while to be effective but I'm not sure that anxiety is the problem and I can't go another few days without more sleep. I did have a dream last night - it was about having a splinter in my finger - but at least I had it and remembered it. The depression and anxiety aren't really there today so I am doing fine on that front. It's just the insomnia that is the problem at the moment.
I brought my daughter down to see my mother yesterday. My wife had said she didn't want the girls going over to my parents after the big blow up they had. This was the first time my daughter has seen her Grandmother in a long time. I had expected more of a fight from my wife but she was OK with it. I was actually really surprised because of how she has reacted in the past. I'm hoping we can make the visits a few times a month from now on but we will see how that goes. My mom wants to come to one of my daughter's soccer games so I will talk to my wife about that and see if it is a major problem for her.
Replies to "@contentandwell @hopeful33250 Thank you both for the advice. The conversation with my wife went OK. She..."
Hi, I can relate. I am Married to a Passive Aggressive "THEY ARE NEVER WRONG" He speaks for me, thinks for me, gas lighting, sneering, and that arrogant enjoyment when I become like a caged animal no where to go. His eyes, like "I gotcha" He is 2 different people. On a good day I asked him to sit with me, he did, I told him he makes me want to end it. He brings back memories of family doing the same to me PTSD. We made a pact [he said he knows what he does it just happens??? will he stop?? There has been no arguments at all, I feel calm better for pain. But, for how long? I said between loosing a very important thing in my life, my independence, and this non-stop pain. Please STOP! We went for Counseling, failed, she won't see him anymore. I hope your situation can be resolved, meet you half way and enjoy your lives as best you can.
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@mandrake70
I relate to what you said about memory, or the lack of it. I have some struggles with it, myself. Sometimes I say something to my wife and she tells me I'd said that more than once already. It's annoying to be told that, when the way she said it makes me feel like I'm being put down. On the other hand, I appreciate her good memory when I can't pull up a word or something like an appointment. Sometimes, though, she uses my memory lapses to make a dig about the medications I take. That never goes over well with me, mostly because I've had trouble with memory long before I took any medication.
I've been working on standing up for myself. I don't just let her make a jab and let it roll over my head.
Several years ago a counselor we talked with suggested a couples journal, which was a good idea for me because I can write out my thoughts better than speaking them. I don't think as fast on my feet as my wife does. Writing gives me time to get my thoughts in order before saying them. We used it to good advantage for a while, but the last time I wrote in it, she wrote a long note that brought up things I thought we had addressed and resolved. That kind of shut me down and I haven't written anything for quite a while.
It might not be pc, but there are times when women are different from men. Bridging the gap can be either challenging or exciting.
We've been married for 47 years, and the last 15 have been difficult because of health issues and having to retire ten years early. But over the past couple of years I've been trying to choose my words carefully, as well as avoiding saying as little as possible about things like the neuropathy pain or depression. I try to be more aware of her pain issues now and take the focus off mine.
It sounds like your wife is trying to be open to turning things around. Have you expressed your appreciation for that to her? I suspect she needs some extra love and attention now. With all that's going on it must be difficult for her - change usually presents emotional challenges. Some would say that that's true more for women than for men, but that isn't necessarily universally true.
There's a phrase that I often think of "love covers a multitude of sins.
Jim