Spouse behavior. Husband has inoperable grade 4 glioblastoma

I am SO very sorry that your daughter in law is choosing to behave in this way. I am not a therapist so cannot say whether this is her way of grieving or if it is just selfishness. I will say that my husband was diagnosed with a grade 4 glioblastoma exactly 5 days after I had a full shoulder replacement. He was non verbal for over 2 weeks then the 3rd week was able to have surgery. We were hopeful that the 12-15 months told us by the surgeon would happen but he died 45 days after initial diagnosis. He never got to do radiation/chemo. However, having been married young and spending 57 years together, I did everything to be with him. Being unable to drive since it was my primary shoulder, I ask friends, neighbors, anyone who could, to take me to twice weekly physical therapy appointments and back and forth to Duke daily which was a 40 minute drive from my daughters where I was staying since I was unable to even shower alone. I spent every minute I could by his side until he passed in hospice. It has now been 3 months the 12th of this month and I am still grieving terribly over the loss. There are so many questions unanswered since he was not able to speak until just days before the surgery then after the surgery he was not the same and just a few weeks later when he had a stroke, he never spoke again. I speak to him daily, apologize for not knowing what he was feeling since we couldn't communicate and wondering why this all happened to him. I am at home again now, all by myself and the emptiness is almost more than I can bare. I miss him terribly but realize I have to get used to this new life without him. Again, not a therapist but if this is the way she is choosing to grieve, I would have to wonder if her feelings for him were ever that strong. Also, if he is aware, which I assume he is, he must know this himself. I am confident he needs the support of his wife more than anyone else. While I know this likely is not the "right" thing to do, when the time comes that he is called to leave, I might have to let her be on her own rather than being there for her. I do believe there will be a time when she will regret this and realize the huge mistake she made.

I lost my husband four years ago to GBM. He died 107 days after he was diagnosed. I did everything I could to spend every minute of the day with him. Some people grieve in funny ways, I guess. I thought I knew what grief was until I lost him. I’m sure she is very upset with the loss of her brother and her father, but she’s going to realize that when she loses her husband, that that grief is so much worse. I’m sure she doesn’t want to face that right now. But she will regret not being with him as much as possible in his last days. I’ve spoken with a number of people who have lost their spouses, and every one of them has said that they thought they knew what grief was until they lost their spouse.

My husband died of inoperable GBM 17 months from diagnosis. We had excellent family support, thankfully. While I can’t imagine leaving him alone to face treatment, your son and DIL’s situation is very different. Unless they have major savings and investments, your DIL must become financially responsible for their finances and the son’s education. So I understand her working long hours if that is necessary. The camping trip is more confusing but perhaps the child wants and needs it.

I don’t understand her not being present for your son if he wants her there. However, you probably don’t know much about the inner workings of their marriage and now isn’t the time to dive in. Your role is to support your son and his family in whatever way he wants. Ask him. Be a listener not a talker.

GBM is so tough and typically terminal within 24 months, or less. They are going through hell right now so your role is to support, not question.

@kjsthljc1 I cannot imagine how hard that was. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it is still so painful.

@kylebar I shared with my wife yesterday that I think she's running from death. Still, unimaginable. I am so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing

@kjsthljc1 I am so so sorry. In rereading your message I can't even imagine the unbearable pain. Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. With regard to her feelings for him to begin with, I suspect you are correct. Given things our son has said to us in the past, he has left us with the impression that he is only stayed in the marriage for fear that opting out would mean losing his son as well. His son is his best friend. And so in some way as well understanding her behavior. We still find it unconscionable. Actually the more I think about it the anger I become. Heading Tomorrow to be with our son.

@ruthannray good advice thank you. But I'm sharing in all of this is dialogue between me and my wife, And our two daughters. We're doing everything imaginable to support them both. It becomes admittedly more challenging when she does not answer her phone, respond to voicemails or to text messages. Despite our best efforts, which are certainly not perfect, we have offered to continue paying for your son's piano lessons, helping with bills, mowing the yard, buying groceries bringing over baked meals. And perhaps more important at all just sitting with them and being there. When we come over she leaves. All very perplexing.

@brosen it is understandable to try to avoid grief. I always thought I knew what it was since my parents had both passed and I have had friends and pets pass away. But losing a spouse has been so much worse for me. I was happy to spend as much time with him while he was sick. I was also very happy to see him take his last breath. I was not with my parents when they died. It was an interesting experience and an honor to be with him in that moment. Anderson Cooper has a podcast about grief. It is called “All there is”. He lost his father at a young age and his brother committed suicide many years ago. He has guests on who talk about their own personal grief. It has helped me some with my grief.

@brosen if their marriage is shaky it’s not going to improve with this terrible diagnosis. It’s fantastic that your son’s sisters and parents (you) are rallying around him during this terrible time. He needs you and it sounds like his wife is either unwilling or unable to care for him as we hope a wife would care for her husband. Don’t focus on what he does not have, but what he does have. Reach out to your grandson to offer love and support also. He’s caught in the middle and likely to experience the terrible loss of his father in the next year or two.

I have the opposite situation-but it’s thanks to God my sibling has no issues yet. I think he is concerned the rest of us will overdo the sympathy as he continues to live an independent life. I made sure in months leading up to his diagnosis that he knew I would do anything he wanted me to do to help whenever the time came. To live with me, to have me come to wherever he was feeling safe, do research, etc etc. I will do exactly that just like I did for our mom years before she passed. He was part of her care and he knows I move heaven and earth for my loved ones. I want the most time and quality of life for him-even if he just needs company and/or knows I love him from afar.
I cannot understand the wife excluding her husband from the vacation. A 20 hour day is hard-I did that for twenty plus years myself…but any missed opportunity to just be with him she will regret some day.