Spouse behavior. Husband has inoperable grade 4 glioblastoma

I have the opposite situation-but it’s thanks to God my sibling has no issues yet. I think he is concerned the rest of us will overdo the sympathy as he continues to live an independent life. I made sure in months leading up to his diagnosis that he knew I would do anything he wanted me to do to help whenever the time came. To live with me, to have me come to wherever he was feeling safe, do research, etc etc. I will do exactly that just like I did for our mom years before she passed. He was part of her care and he knows I move heaven and earth for my loved ones. I want the most time and quality of life for him-even if he just needs company and/or knows I love him from afar.
I cannot understand the wife excluding her husband from the vacation. A 20 hour day is hard-I did that for twenty plus years myself…but any missed opportunity to just be with him she will regret some day.

I am SO very sorry that your daughter in law is choosing to behave in this way. I am not a therapist so cannot say whether this is her way of grieving or if it is just selfishness. I will say that my husband was diagnosed with a grade 4 glioblastoma exactly 5 days after I had a full shoulder replacement. He was non verbal for over 2 weeks then the 3rd week was able to have surgery. We were hopeful that the 12-15 months told us by the surgeon would happen but he died 45 days after initial diagnosis. He never got to do radiation/chemo. However, having been married young and spending 57 years together, I did everything to be with him. Being unable to drive since it was my primary shoulder, I ask friends, neighbors, anyone who could, to take me to twice weekly physical therapy appointments and back and forth to Duke daily which was a 40 minute drive from my daughters where I was staying since I was unable to even shower alone. I spent every minute I could by his side until he passed in hospice. It has now been 3 months the 12th of this month and I am still grieving terribly over the loss. There are so many questions unanswered since he was not able to speak until just days before the surgery then after the surgery he was not the same and just a few weeks later when he had a stroke, he never spoke again. I speak to him daily, apologize for not knowing what he was feeling since we couldn't communicate and wondering why this all happened to him. I am at home again now, all by myself and the emptiness is almost more than I can bare. I miss him terribly but realize I have to get used to this new life without him. Again, not a therapist but if this is the way she is choosing to grieve, I would have to wonder if her feelings for him were ever that strong. Also, if he is aware, which I assume he is, he must know this himself. I am confident he needs the support of his wife more than anyone else. While I know this likely is not the "right" thing to do, when the time comes that he is called to leave, I might have to let her be on her own rather than being there for her. I do believe there will be a time when she will regret this and realize the huge mistake she made.

So sorry that your daughter-in-law is behaving so bizarrely. Granted she has been through a lot, but her partner needs her NOW. It seems she wants to do everything to completely escape from her sad realities of life. There really isn't anything you can do. She could really benefit from grief therapy or just talking to someone about life and loss. She has to be the one to seek it out, but it almost seems in the interim, she is almost neglecting your son given his serious condition. I hope there is some resolve shortly.

I have the opposite situation-but it’s thanks to God my sibling has no issues yet. I think he is concerned the rest of us will overdo the sympathy as he continues to live an independent life. I made sure in months leading up to his diagnosis that he knew I would do anything he wanted me to do to help whenever the time came. To live with me, to have me come to wherever he was feeling safe, do research, etc etc. I will do exactly that just like I did for our mom years before she passed. He was part of her care and he knows I move heaven and earth for my loved ones. I want the most time and quality of life for him-even if he just needs company and/or knows I love him from afar.
I cannot understand the wife excluding her husband from the vacation. A 20 hour day is hard-I did that for twenty plus years myself…but any missed opportunity to just be with him she will regret some day.

@brosen if their marriage is shaky it’s not going to improve with this terrible diagnosis. It’s fantastic that your son’s sisters and parents (you) are rallying around him during this terrible time. He needs you and it sounds like his wife is either unwilling or unable to care for him as we hope a wife would care for her husband. Don’t focus on what he does not have, but what he does have. Reach out to your grandson to offer love and support also. He’s caught in the middle and likely to experience the terrible loss of his father in the next year or two.