My son decided to disappear without a trace at 54 years old.

Posted by maone @maone, Tue, Jul 30 9:45am

He left his wife and family three months ago.

Hello
Ive posted my Loss and Grief horror, but it seems either Im doing something wrong or only a few people have commented. I see others’ posts and they have many healing, lovely comments. Help!!!!
Its been 3 months today and its not any better. I grieve and am empty every day; so is my husband.
Here’s what happened to us……

Every year I go, just me, for a fun week with our daughter, 45.
I had just returned from our girls week ( 10 days actually) at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. SHOCK AND FRAR!!!!! We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened. ( went to her heart- Coronary Embolism).
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!
Life will never be the same. Never!!!
We still cant believe she is gone!
Its so hard. I wish I could have gone with her. So difficult!

REPLY
@ihtak46

Hello
Ive posted my Loss and Grief horror, but it seems either Im doing something wrong or only a few people have commented. I see others’ posts and they have many healing, lovely comments. Help!!!!
Its been 3 months today and its not any better. I grieve and am empty every day; so is my husband.
Here’s what happened to us……

Every year I go, just me, for a fun week with our daughter, 45.
I had just returned from our girls week ( 10 days actually) at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. SHOCK AND FRAR!!!!! We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened. ( went to her heart- Coronary Embolism).
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!
Life will never be the same. Never!!!
We still cant believe she is gone!
Its so hard. I wish I could have gone with her. So difficult!

Jump to this post

@ihtak46– I am so so sorry that I missed your posts. I have not seen them. I'm mainly on the Lung Cancer group.
I send my sincere condolences to you and your husband. I can hear your pain and it hurts horribly, I know. My twin sister's daughter lived with us and after she moved out to her own apartment someone torched it and she died. Her body was scorched so badly that even her father couldn't identify it. My husband had to identify her.
Although I have a son she was my daughter too and we spent a lot of time together. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't mourn her. She's been gone since 1995.
Mourning takes a long long time. And the depth of your grief is a testament to how much love you shared with her. This love will never go away but you will grow more use to missing her. By this I mean the feeling of missing will be more familiar, less poignant with it's sharpness, hence less fearful and you will tolerate it better.
You have to give yourself time to come to terms with this and only time will give you this, only time. I can't tell you what the definition of coming to terms with will mean to you but for me it was accepting the loss of her presence, accepting that she isn't the young girl in the crowd, accepting that I won't hear her voice or hear her laugh.
You are also still in shock so you have to allow your grief to get past this, and again it's just time. Time will soften the shock into acceptance- not the loss of love. All of your feelings right now are raw but have a purpose and if you can, feel everyone of them. Cry when you have to rant, yell, scream and get angry! Get very, very angry. You have that right.
Are either of you or your husband getting any grief counseling?

REPLY
@ihtak46

Hello
Ive posted my Loss and Grief horror, but it seems either Im doing something wrong or only a few people have commented. I see others’ posts and they have many healing, lovely comments. Help!!!!
Its been 3 months today and its not any better. I grieve and am empty every day; so is my husband.
Here’s what happened to us……

Every year I go, just me, for a fun week with our daughter, 45.
I had just returned from our girls week ( 10 days actually) at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. SHOCK AND FRAR!!!!! We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened. ( went to her heart- Coronary Embolism).
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!
Life will never be the same. Never!!!
We still cant believe she is gone!
Its so hard. I wish I could have gone with her. So difficult!

Jump to this post

@ihtak46 Kathi, reading your post brings tears to my eyes. Whenever I hear of anyone losing a child, whether a young child or an adult, I emphasize wholly. I have a son and daughter and the thought of one of them going before me is unbearable.

Merry says some good things in her response. I hope your grief will become more tolerable as time goes on but I am sure that will take a while.
I am a liver transplant recipient and know quite a bit about the young woman who was generous and had the forethought to sign up as an organ donor. I pray for her widower and father every night that they can find peace and acceptance. She was 34 at the time of her death. I can relate to it too much because she was the same age as my daughter and I don’t know how I could deal with her passing.
Hugs, JK

REPLY
@ihtak46

Hello
Ive posted my Loss and Grief horror, but it seems either Im doing something wrong or only a few people have commented. I see others’ posts and they have many healing, lovely comments. Help!!!!
Its been 3 months today and its not any better. I grieve and am empty every day; so is my husband.
Here’s what happened to us……

Every year I go, just me, for a fun week with our daughter, 45.
I had just returned from our girls week ( 10 days actually) at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. SHOCK AND FRAR!!!!! We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened. ( went to her heart- Coronary Embolism).
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!
Life will never be the same. Never!!!
We still cant believe she is gone!
Its so hard. I wish I could have gone with her. So difficult!

Jump to this post

@ihtak46 what a difficult, horrible time for you. I am so sorry. One positive thing you can take away is how much she was loved by so many people. Remember the concert, parade, vigil and cards—how beautiful. Have you given any thought to a way to remember her? Something at the school? A small scholarship at her school? Some thing that help her memory to live on. Maybe others on this site have some ideas.

REPLY
@maone

It seemed all at once everyone quit responding? Maybe I need to put more input in myself and reach out to others myself. Nothing is new at all with my situation. Except the passing of time. Rather this than bad news for sure. Praying for all of the hurting ones reaching out for comfort. Thanks for any prayers sent this way.❤️

Jump to this post

@maone
Hello,
So many people are unsure of how to respond to someone’s grief, especially when losing a child , no matter what age. They will express their sympathies initially and come to the services and then drift away. They’re afraid of intruding or letting you see that life is normal and happy for them and would be afraid to share any good news with you. They may be uncomfortable around you even though you do nothing to make them feel like that or feel that you may resent others happiness.
We don’t know how to deal with grief in this country when dealing with others. That doesn’t mean we don’t empathize with you. It’s difficult to know the right words to say if we ourselves have not experienced such an unthinkable loss. Please know that anyone who has read your posts is shocked and saddened and are thinking of you and your family even if they haven’t responded.

With prayers and kind thoughts from FL Mary

REPLY

Thanks for the likes. True listening is a gift. While we may not agree with all we hear, we can still be active listeners.

REPLY

@imallears
Ditto!
I was the second person to reply after you posted. I asked about him quitting his job with every intention of following up but then the words just didn’t seem to come. I couldn’t be more sad for what you have been through. I honestly don’t know what to say that can bring you the peace and happiness you so desire.
I have lost many friends and relatives, but your situation is different. At least you have a little hope he may one day return.
Please don’t think for a second that the people here don’t care because they care very much.
Blessings,
Jake

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Thanks so much for caring ❤️ It helps to know that others care.

REPLY
@imallears

@maone
Hello,
So many people are unsure of how to respond to someone’s grief, especially when losing a child , no matter what age. They will express their sympathies initially and come to the services and then drift away. They’re afraid of intruding or letting you see that life is normal and happy for them and would be afraid to share any good news with you. They may be uncomfortable around you even though you do nothing to make them feel like that or feel that you may resent others happiness.
We don’t know how to deal with grief in this country when dealing with others. That doesn’t mean we don’t empathize with you. It’s difficult to know the right words to say if we ourselves have not experienced such an unthinkable loss. Please know that anyone who has read your posts is shocked and saddened and are thinking of you and your family even if they haven’t responded.

With prayers and kind thoughts from FL Mary

Jump to this post

Thanks so much ❤️

REPLY
@maone

It seemed all at once everyone quit responding? Maybe I need to put more input in myself and reach out to others myself. Nothing is new at all with my situation. Except the passing of time. Rather this than bad news for sure. Praying for all of the hurting ones reaching out for comfort. Thanks for any prayers sent this way.❤️

Jump to this post

Maone, I dont feel others are responding to me either OR im doing this wrong.
Horrible day for me today.
Today I needed help! Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Sick! Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.
Pray for everybody hurting!

REPLY
@merpreb

@ihtak46– I am so so sorry that I missed your posts. I have not seen them. I'm mainly on the Lung Cancer group.
I send my sincere condolences to you and your husband. I can hear your pain and it hurts horribly, I know. My twin sister's daughter lived with us and after she moved out to her own apartment someone torched it and she died. Her body was scorched so badly that even her father couldn't identify it. My husband had to identify her.
Although I have a son she was my daughter too and we spent a lot of time together. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't mourn her. She's been gone since 1995.
Mourning takes a long long time. And the depth of your grief is a testament to how much love you shared with her. This love will never go away but you will grow more use to missing her. By this I mean the feeling of missing will be more familiar, less poignant with it's sharpness, hence less fearful and you will tolerate it better.
You have to give yourself time to come to terms with this and only time will give you this, only time. I can't tell you what the definition of coming to terms with will mean to you but for me it was accepting the loss of her presence, accepting that she isn't the young girl in the crowd, accepting that I won't hear her voice or hear her laugh.
You are also still in shock so you have to allow your grief to get past this, and again it's just time. Time will soften the shock into acceptance- not the loss of love. All of your feelings right now are raw but have a purpose and if you can, feel everyone of them. Cry when you have to rant, yell, scream and get angry! Get very, very angry. You have that right.
Are either of you or your husband getting any grief counseling?

Jump to this post

Thank you Merry.
It is still so very difficult. So sudden!!!
Today was an extremely bad day for me as if I just realized she
was gone! I need help and people to talk to. I needed it today. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. My eyes ached, I couldnt have lost her. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30. gone….

067ACF5B-6314-45D9-81D2-6A554E735E3C

REPLY

Hi All:
Had a really difficult day today
It is still so very hard to accept.
Today was an extremely bad day for me as if I just realized she
was gone! I need help and people to talk to. I needed it today. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. My eyes ached, I couldnt have lost her. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its 1:00 am.

REPLY

Hello @ihtak46

I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult day. I'm sure you must be exhausted with the grief you feel. Please realize that grief is a very difficult process and it does take time.

Have you talked with a physician to see if there might be some help for you? What about personal counseling and/or a person-to-person grief support group. Online venues, like Connect, can be very helpful, however, right now it sounds like you need more immediate feedback. You might find this type of feedback by entering into a personal support group where you can talk to others face to face. There are medications that a doctor can prescribe that can be helpful in dealing with some of the physical realities of grief reactions. I would encourage you to call your doctor's office for some help.

REPLY
@ihtak46

Maone, I dont feel others are responding to me either OR im doing this wrong.
Horrible day for me today.
Today I needed help! Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Sick! Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.
Pray for everybody hurting!

Jump to this post

So very sorry you are hurting so bad. Praying for you ! Praying for peace and comfort ! It was so very good you were very close and did have good memories together. Try to at times dwell on these very blessings. Easily said but hard to do I know. Know that I am praying for you and I definitely know the deep hurting feeling. My son has been gone since May. Not one word about where he may be. One day I think I might hear from him but the next day I don’t think I’ll ever know if he’s dead or alive or may never know. How do I deal with this. Not good many times but I believe in God my Father and know He knows all and cares. I cling to Jesus His Son who went through such pain so that one day all hurts and pain will go away for ever to be no more. How wonderful Heaven must be. If not for God I don’t think I could take this at all but having Jesus makes me feel much better and also gives me love for your hurting. God bless you and comfort you I pray !
❤️

REPLY
@hopeful33250

Hello @ihtak46

I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult day. I'm sure you must be exhausted with the grief you feel. Please realize that grief is a very difficult process and it does take time.

Have you talked with a physician to see if there might be some help for you? What about personal counseling and/or a person-to-person grief support group. Online venues, like Connect, can be very helpful, however, right now it sounds like you need more immediate feedback. You might find this type of feedback by entering into a personal support group where you can talk to others face to face. There are medications that a doctor can prescribe that can be helpful in dealing with some of the physical realities of grief reactions. I would encourage you to call your doctor's office for some help.

Jump to this post

@ihtak46 I encourage you to look for a grief group that you can attend in person. I also encourage you to speak with your doctor to get their advice and view on your situation. @hopefull33250 said the same thing I just said, yes. Grief is a very personal thing, and we can express our sympathy, but often simply do not have the words to convey what you might wish to hear. I would wager that https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ or http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/loss-of-a-child-facebook-grief-support-group may be of some help?
Ginger

REPLY
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