I'm Disappearing

@judimahoney your post really resonated with me today. My husband has been so self-focused, rude, unapologetic, demanding, and unappreciative lately that I am running low on patience and running at low-level constant annoyance. He has such arrogance and confidence when he speaks to me, as if I am the one who doesn’t know what is going on instead of him! “Sir, you can’t even manage to write a check anymore, so pardon me if I follow the financial advice of our advisor instead of you.” He can’t even make a plan to get to the bathroom in time to prevent an accident, but he tries to tell me what I should be planning and doing! He tells me he would like “dinner at 5:30” now. “Sir, you”ll get dinner when I am done making it and not before.” He sleeps until 5 or 6 pm everyday anyway! He has “memories” of things we did together, but he re-writes them in ways that aren’t really true. I don’t correct him, but it is hard to sit and listen to him especially when his misremembering is hurtful or leaves me out. I know it’s not his “fault” and that it’s the disease but tolerating this constantly is very difficult for me. I’m to the point where I really just don’t want to be around him if I can help it and try to just keep busy in another room (hard because he shadows), or do chores outside (he avoids any “work” like the plague) or just pray that he won’t talk. Lately I feel like I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s the only abusive relationship where it is not only socially acceptable to stay in it, but there is an expectation that you do so. I pray every day that this is a phase that will pass.🙏 And soon! I know others have written that I will miss him when he is gone and I am alone, but right now all I want is peace.

@kmliste
Yes, I've had similar scenarios occur. I'm so sorry. What a drag right?

@mm180
It's hard not to feel resentful when they avoid work like the plague (especially when it seems they are perfectly capable of helping).
I'm so sorry about the constant demands and attitude you are dealing with (thankfully my husband is not manifesting like that).
We can only hope these challenging phases pass, but then what?
All the best to you. 🌺

@dianaml
Right! It is a drag. He is out playing golf today. He’ll come home later and complain about one guy in their foursome. I won’t deal with that until later….. 🙂 Meanwhile I have some time by myself. I will be working around here but I won’t have to see or listen to the “sniper.” He is still quite sharp however his personality has changed. My beloved dog died late last year so I feel I can leave the house now. (he previously started 3 fires).I don’t want him to burn down the house of course but at least the dog won’t be hurt. Am I beginning to sound like a country song?
I was trying to explain MCI to a friend I know thru church. I know she loves and cares about me but she doesn’t understand. I don’t think many people do understand.My understanding of MCI is that it may move thru stages but it doesn’t always mean Alzheimer’s Disease. Meanwhile she and I go eat together and have fun.
I keep about book not of “wrongs” but incidences to share with my doctor and with his if need be. Looking back some of them seem comical but at the time they aren’t because of the insistence that it really happened, the anger or somehow I did it. For example, the time he saw that the gas in his vehicle was low. In his mind someone had siphoned the gas out. He insisted I call the Chief of Police. He keeps copious records (he was a chief financial officer of a corporation). A few days later he showed me a spreadsheet of his gas usage in this vehicle and decided he had driven up the gas. Or when he found a large fast food drink cup with other trash in it tossed in the bed of his truck. He yelled and yelled at me, “Why did you do that !!!!!!!What is wrong with you!!!!!!” When his tirade at me was over I asked him to consider that maybe when he was parked somewhere some rude person did that rather than mess up his/her own vehicle. He walked off. Not all days are like this but I am disappearing. I used to be funny and took care of myself. Now…..I just feel like I look 200 years old. Thank you so much for listening. My tears have started to flow and it is a great release.

Its not clear to me if your husband has dementia. I assume he does, and if that is the case, anything he says is subject to distortion. But trying to “correct” such a person is bound to fail. Better to not take comments that seem unkind as personal.

@kmliste
Wow! I so get that.. the stories are different but they overview is certainly the same. Irritability, everything is your fault, paranoia, no trust. I think sometimes we have to remember what it must be like for them. But then I don't know if they really get it themselves. They certainly can't remember certain things the way we do. It feels mysterious at times doesn't it?

@cyds had to smile at your post, as a caregiver to a wife of 53 years with Alzheimer’s sometimes one year feels like 17… thanks

@tsch
Do you understand about MCI ?

@dianaml

I just wrote a lengthy response and lost it.

i do think YOU understand.

@tsch
I just felt I should add something. My dog loved him, too. She was older when she got sick. She knew him when he was well and himself. He was being mean to me one evening and she went down low and growled at him. Even she knew there was a change. He left me alone/stopped his behavior at that point.
he does not abuse drugs or alcohol. Never has. I do not think that he is misdiagnosed.