I'm Disappearing

Judi, I hear you ! I get this from my husband. He seems to think and speak of his daughters, but it’s like I’m not in the picture. I know he loves me, but he leaves me out, so much. 40 years, here, also.

@judimahoney Please don't disappear; you're too valuable and loved on this site to just fade away. I'm so sorry your husband doesn't include you. Words and actions sting especially with a loved one when you're doing everything you can to keep them afloat. Life just isn't fair. I read your post a couple of times. I thought, "How would I handle that, if this was taking place for me."
Maybe, instead of the correction back, "WE went to that concert," start talking about the things you did together on the day you both went to the concert. So when he says, "I went to that concert," banter back: Yes, you did, and I remember how much I loved being together on that day at the concert. Goggle the music or artist if you can and listen to a tune you may have heard together. That lets you capture back and share in the history you talk about. Linger through that memory every time he uses the "I" word. Even if he doesn't comeback with an acknowledged response, you will have shared the beauty in the memory. Meaningful for you and hopefully memorable for him. You're probably already doing this but keep doing it, because NOONE can take back those things in your heart you cherish and always will.
My best, Karla

You, are the sane one. You can "visit" him from time to time in his world, not too long , but come back to your sanity and remember he is ill and no matter what you do, you can't fix this, make sense of it, or return to the Way It Was. Hugs

@shmerdloff
This is very true. I feel like I'm the same and only he has changed. I feel like the only time things are manageable are when I respond differently, positively or let things go. But it's very hard to let everything go. Sometimes it's a matter of principle. I know that he is ill, but he's just in my face all the time blaming me for things that are absolutely not true etc etc. My compassion is used up, I just want to be alone. It's not possible though. I think I've already said on this post that I can't afford to live alone and I would not abandon him anyway. I feel caught, trapped, and the only way out is to take small trips every now and then, visit friends, visit relatives, stay overnight at my son's house etc etc. It's the only solution right now. I dream all the time of being in my own place doing things my way without his crazy land approach to living. And then every now and then we have a really good day. It's so confusing.

@shmerdloff I need to take your words to heart.

I am not dealing with a partner or spouse with dementia. It is my mom. My dad also had it and he passed away in 2021. I was there. My partner's (Harold, who also passed) father (so my father in law, kind of) got dementia several years ago. I am still very close to Harold's mom. I know that towards the end of her husband's life, she said he would be asking her, where "Barb" was. She is "Barb." She said that she thought he was looking for her as she was when she was younger. I know that after Harold passed, they came here to settle his estate. Harold's father would tell me stories about childhood memories, things that I had no idea. I think that as this disease goes on, people revert back to early memories. My mom has started doing that some. My brother lives with her. She can become very mean and sometimes accuses him of things that did not really happen. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Is there anyone that can come and help for a day or two and give you some time to do something for yourself? I am grateful that you shared here. I try not to think of what is coming. I do not really know anyway. I watched a YouTube video last night and have in the past with Eckhart Tolle. I find them very comforting. Please hang in there. You have shared so much on here, with so many, myself included. Wishing and sending you some peace today.

@judimahoney Your post has brought me close to tears. I've been married to Isaac for 1 years, not 40, and we don't have a family together. I can't imaging the heartache to not be able to share your history with each other. Big hugs to you and all the Connect Warriors here.

@cyds Correction - married for 17 years, not 1.

@dianaml Not really looking for sympathy, but I can never get away, for a day, or overnight. It’s been years, since I have. Just once, not too long ago, when I was in the hospital a couple of days.

@dianaml I hate this “crazy land” way of living too. Last night I made a new recipe from Bon Appetit magazine- a very simple pasta dish. He said, “what the hell is this!!!?” Our son was there and said “I think it is good!” I too, hate the meanness and “in your face” stuff. I didn’t say a word to him. wasn’t worth it.