Husband refuses to move closer to our family!

@debbiest I'm sorry. It can be so frustrating dealing with a beloved adult (especially a spouse) that just can’t connect any longer.
My husband grocery shops the same way as yours, it’s annoying and wasteful.
I don’t know how your husband’s perception and acceptance of his diagnosis is, but you absolutely need the ongoing support of your family as time goes on. Sometimes it works to my benefit if I chip away, slowly and methodically toward a result that I need or want. Throwing pros out to him now and then, trying to build on the good points regarding a move without pushing too hard, and pulling back when you sense a feeling of pressure from him. You can feel a shift in the conversations about it when you’re gaining ground.
I’m sure that others will have some good points to give you once they see your post. You will love the help and understanding of everyone here. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m afraid the subject of moving back to cold Vermont has become such a trigger for him. He escalates quickly at the mention of it.
I thought possibly a diagnosis would help him see the need for family support, but he seems unaffected by it; at times blaming me for his doctors’ attention to his memory. He definitely isn’t acknowledging an increased need of support in the future.
My daughter suggested I “call his bluff”, move to Vermont and he’ll follow. That may be true, but I couldn’t in good conscience leave him alone, nor could we afford maintaining two homes until that happens.
I so appreciate you sharing how you work towards getting your needs met. I need to try and take a gentler and more positive approach towards the idea of moving.
Good luck to you as well.

Hello: I am struggling with the exact same thing. I just keep bringing up the need to move, and he shoots me down because he loves it here so much. This is where he had his formative school years, and so many memories that he likes to revisit. He remembers things from his younger years much more than current happenings, so being here is comforting to him because it's familiar.
I read on this site that moving can worsen their condition, because everything is unfamiliar in a new place it causes anxiety and confusion.
So, do we stay here where I'm getting worse because I'm taking care of house and property basically alone and feeling overwhelmed and stressed, or do we move and he gets worse?
Caregivers have to take care of and prioritize ourselves so we can care for them.
Another consideration is we live in a small rural town and there are not specialty Healthcare providers here that he is starting to need, and I don't want to have to always drive several hours to the big city.
It's a tough one!
Hugs and strength. 🫂 💪

Two years, ago, I sold a house next door to my good friends (his wife had Alzheimer's). Unfortunately, the stubborn 92-year-old husband was in major denial. His wife was 86. He wanted no part of leaving Florida. When he brought it up to her, she naturally was anxious and confused. Time went on, they had very few friends in the neighborhood they had lived in, for over 30 years. People realized her progression and his denial. He started talking to me about a move back closer to where his daughter lived and to where he had an off-season condo. To calm her, I started showing pictures of her kids, grandchildren, etc, that lived where they were considering moving. I worked closely with the family and their adult children. Together, over time, we were able to get them moved. Start planning with your Vermont children to make the move. Start clearing things out of your house, you've no doubt collected in Florida. Give it to charity, what I had my neighbor do. Call in a realtor, get an assessment on your house so you know what's it's worth. Have that realtor do a net to seller sheet, of what your total closing costs will be. Interestingly enough that net to seller sheet I did for my neighbor was very instrumental in getting him to move because of the excessive club dues, he would be getting back at the closing table along with what his house sold for. The money became too good to pass up. Your situation may be a bit different, since you want the move, your husband doesn't. But what's not different. You have to plan what's best for you as a caregiver. Encouragement from your adult children can be so supportive, and loving, and extremely helpful when as caregivers, most of us feel all alone in this. Just start positioning yourself to make a move. Do what's right for you, and in doing that, it will be good for your husband too, much closer to family.
Best Karla

PS, the subtle more positive approach you describe in your note: Just start cleaning everything out, donate, and start positioning, (a potential move) as I mention above. It's shows you're intentional, doing something, but not talking about THE MOVE to him right now because it upsets him.
Best, Karla

@judimahoney
I am very much in the same boat. Husband loves it here, he grew up around here. It is far to the big city and services. The kids want us to move closer but he doesn't want to and I hate to act unilaterally. Since I also am reluctant to leave my friends and community it makes it hard to dig in too strongly to force a move. If I ignore this situation it will go away, right? Inertia is winning out for now.

My husband has moderate to severe dementia and can do nothing for himself…I’m his care partner for 100% of his needs. His condition is progressing to the point of dementia related psychosis and we’ve just started him on a low dose sedative…he is in palliative care. That being said, we are moving from NY to IL to reside with our daughter and son-in-law for the support of family I so desperately need. Our physician agrees this is best. I urge you to have family support while you both can enjoy family together and before the disease progresses to a very difficult stage. I wish you both the best. Remember, to take good care of you too!!

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very difficult. Being near family is so important. Take care of yourself.

@judimahoney
These decisions are hard. As we age the caregiving becomes harder. The common thread in all the discussions I’ve read emphasize the need for you to take care of yourself and then you will be better prepared to care for your loved one. Take care.

@kjc48
I did start clearing some things out last year, but such a small amount it seemed almost inconsequential. My children have talked to him multiple times about moving closer, but he has his heels dug so deep, it’s hard to reach him.
I have trouble envisioning how this will all play out, but something needs to change.
Thanks so much for your input.
I like your thinking. 🙂