Husband refuses to move closer to our family!

Yes, it's a head game. Your thinking. And the clearer you get with it, the clearer it becomes; you will move. I love that you have family that wants you closer to them. I love that you won't be alone in this. I feel the aloneness every day, and wonder what I should do. Just keep cleaning it out, get a realtor in there and let him know you're doing that. Even if he gets angry, that doesn't mean you can't get information. Just keep inching it. In the world of marketing (which I've always been in) when you are trying to move someone to a decision, you just keep saying it, doing things that support it, the more you do that, the more he sees you're serious even if he's being difficult. If he has a good relationship with your son in law, leverage him. Have him occasional talk to your husband, if he can. Use anyone and everyone you can to support your cause - a move. Clear line of sight. I keep saying it. I heard this sermon at Christmas.. The courage to do what we need to do; the clarity to know when and how to do it, and God's light shining down helping us make our move - whatever it may be!
You have my vote. I wish I was there to help you! But I'm here as well as other care givers, to shout out.....Make your move! By George, that has a ring to it!
Best, Karla

@debbiest PS, you can tell I never give up, my best trait but sometimes my worst trait. I guess it's good if you're a caregiver. What I know.....and what I want to share. Full speed ahead, which means, once you start cleaning, you don't stop, because you lose momentum, you just keep plowing through, to get him to where you need him to be = in Vermont. It's no easy task, and I know that, but you have to courage to keep the pressure on, even if it's silent pressure in the things you're mentally doing to finally get there. It's the addage, with your children, tell him, tell him again, tell him again, and I don't know if this would work, but I remember when I moved my Eddie from Cape Cod, with his heels dug in - four years later because I kept the pressure on, he finally moved. Just keep inching the inchworm, with the things you do, so you can mentally carry through. There's no stopping us now! Yikes I sound like a motivational speech. Sorry...Best, Karla
Best, Karla

@carolreid I can appreciate your dilemma. I am wondering if you could talk to your husband about downsizing and simplifying your lives. I am at the stage in my life where I need to simplify and downsize the home that we have lived in for 45 years. So I am slowly going through the house collecting things that we will never use again. For example my husband's and my ski clothes and accessories. He did woodworking as a hobby and had and has lots of tools for that. I have sold about half of them already. I am giving away certain things to people who I know would like to have them. I am donating his clothes that don't fit him anymore as he has lost so much weight. You could do the same without having to bring up the moving issue with your husband. In my mind, it will have to be done at some point anyway so I would rather do it when I am not pushed for time and not getting any push back
from my husband. This way if we have to move at some point a lot of the work will be done.

This is so familiar. I read the replies and Karla’s advice was good.
My experience with moving is 50/50. My own family has health issues and cannot help to the extent I expected. My husband will not visit churches here because he says no other church could be as good. We had great neighbors- and he misses them a lot. They all knew about his problems and looked out for him.
Now we are in a new home and because he cannot drive, he sits and says he is too old to make new friends. He will not go to a senior center because those people are too old.
Part of me wishes that we had stayed.
I could add much more about the move - but I will save that for another day.
God bless you and your decision.

@ocdogmom
That’s good advice for anyone. I have trouble getting rid of things. So does my husband, I’ve learned. He won’t even give his rather large, heavy chain saw, which I know he’ll never use again, to our son.
So, bit by bit, or all at once when we do finally move, it will happen.
Good luck to you.

I recently talked to my caregiver “coach” and asked if I should start looking at potential facilities for my husband and get his input on his preferences in preparation for the day when I can no longer safely care for him at home. Her advice was NOT to involve him in any of the decision making. Her point was that he really isn’t able to clearly understand and communicate his preferences or understand the complexities that need to be weighed in making the decision. Talking to him about it will only make him anxious and upset. Her advice was to do the research and make the decision on my own and when the time comes, just tell him what is going to happen. While this path seems so “wrong” because it is different from how we as a couple always made decisions, I know in my heart it is the right and best thing to do for him and for me. He really can’t help me make important decisions anymore, and trying to pull him into them only creates confusion, anxiety and upset for him.
I don’t know if this type of approach will help you in your situation, but it may be something to consider. At the end of the day, you are responsible for his well being as well as your own, not him. He is a vulnerable adult with decision making impairment so it will ultimately be you who has to decide and then manage the situation.
Talk about it with other trusted and knowledgeable people, weigh the pros and cons, then you can make a good decision based on what is best for you and your family.
All the best to you as you walk this difficult path!

@mm180
I think your coach is giving you some very good advice. It’s hard to adjust sometimes to the changes in the relationship. Your friend, partner isn’t there for you as he used to be. There are so many added responsibilities that you have to take on and decisions that ultimately are your own.
Thanks so much for your input and best to you as well.

@debbiest I read this thread, since I responded earlier in it the person who wanted to move and her husband didn't. I agree, it's complex. I suggested from her note, that she be closer to family which might help her as I'm alone here tending for my husband, and none of our kids are in the area. We're in a community that isn't very friendly, so there aren't a lot of friends. His brother and sister are in another state. So I guess it depends on just how involved you are with friends where you live, and they outweigh, being closer to your adult children if you move. It's all so hard to figure out, even more so, because the partner you once had who could help you make decisions can no longer make them so you're in this alone,. I agree. I think it comes down to what's best for the caregiver in all of this, and short and longer term. Fear of the unknown makes it even more confusing, as moving just isn't easy.
Best, Karla

Karla,
I'm so sorry your husband is ill and you have no one to help you care for him. I know it's hard because I had the same situation when I cared for my husband who died of lung cancer in 2024. His children were from another marriage and never visited him before he died. He was 83 whwen he died so all family members were already gone as were close friends. What really helped was prayer. We prayed everyday and God was there for us. My husband lived 14 years with stage 4 cancer. I am so glad that we had those last years together! I miss him terribly but God is here for me. Just ask God for help and you and your husband can get through this difficult time. I'll say a prayer for both of you also.
I wish you the best.
PML

Are you or have you been re-visiting Vermont since moving to FLA? Like you, we relocated from up north to FLA about 13 years ago. We still have family up north and will sometimes visit there in summer, renting an Air B&B for a month or two. My plan is to increase the visits, possibly purchasing a small condo that we use for our 'Home' up north, and rent it short stay when we are not there. Our only child lives up north and it is highly probable that at some point both of one of us as we age will need greater supervision and care from family and selecting a small dwelling NOW will be easier that not having a plan/place to go to in advance.