How do you respond when your spouse keeps asking where her mother is?

@hapascanb My great uncle had it right after his sister, my grandmother. He was from the South and one of his jobs was opening the gate for the cows. Every day at the same time he would say he had to go and open the gate. We tried everything. His wife was a charge nurse at one time, for a huge hospital in the Bay area. She had gotten to the point that she was loosing her patience with him. I could not fault her, but it sure made me appreciate my own dear mother and her way of working with my grandmother. It's not easy, especially when they get agitated. Blessings on all caregivers 💕

@tunared, I moved your question to the Caregivers: Dementia group where I believe you had intended to post this discussion. I'm also tagging @bill2001 @IndianaScott who you mention in your first post to see if they have thoughts to add.

Dan, it's wearing when your efforts receive an angry reply and suspicion. I know that you know that this is the disease and her frustrations, but it is hard. I know that. Is your wife still asking about her mother or has she moved on to a different question? Have you found a response that calms and helps to deflect from her being frustrated?

Sending a virtual shoulder to lean on for a minute when you need it.

@nannybb I live in a rural area and opening the gate for the cows is a regular daily chore here. Isn’t it interesting how the brain works with something deeply imprinted?
A subset of one’s circadian rhythm?
I’m not drawing a comparison of subject at all, but many years ago, we had to re-home our dog as our son proved allergic. The friend couple he went to told us the dog would rush to the front window and wait with anticipation about the time the school bus was due to arrive.

@colleenyoung
Colleen, Thank You! She does ask for her mother and sometimes her father (and sometimes she thinks I'm her father). I try to distract/redirect but it doesn't always work. If it's not too late, I will ask her to go for a ride. lately, I've been giving her CBD, which has working pretty good. And sometimes I just don't know what to do when she gets "forceful" so I call our son to stop by. Which he has always done and that calms her down.

Sometimes you can try to redirect the conversation by asking questions about the person your LO is looking for. e.g.
I’m sure you'd like to talk to your mother !
What do you remember about her ?
What did she like to cook ? What songs, movies, TV shows did she like ? Who were her friends, neighbours ?
Then , using any responses, change the topic to food, entertainment, other people, etc.
May not work……but worth a try.
Wishing you courage and strength !

I call it compassionate lying. When Mom's dog died, I told her and then for 5 days in a row, she'd ask, I'd tell and she'd grieve. Finally, I said the dog was ok and she didn't ask for a long time.

I felt it was too cruel to make her relive grief so often.

Now, she asks where her parents are and I say they're traveling or I'm not sure. Mostly, I say I know they are ok. If it's my brother, I tell her he's off fishing, which he loved to do. Also - I keep answer vague and general.

She is not going to remember what I tell her so I feel there is no need to cause grief, stress, anxiety, etc when it's not needed. Her world is no longer grounded in the reality of today,..... nor are my answers and I do it out of love.

And YES, this whole thing hurts, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Dan, I'm just wondering, what does your son do that seems to calm her down? Is it just his being there? Talking her through whatever is bothering her?

@nannybb He really doesn't have to do anything or say anything, just show up. He's magical 🙂