How do you respond when your spouse keeps asking where her mother is?

@tunared
I agree.
What happened to our so-called golden years?

My wife frequently asks or calls for her mother who died over twenty years ago and asks where she is. I try to gently explain to her that her mother's soul is in heaven and that her body is buried in her family's plot in an old cemetery where we visited several months ago and I took a photo of her grave and that she went to her mother's funeral in the church where her mother assisted weekly with the flowers and there was a wonderful group of her friends and family at her funeral. She will sometimes accept that explanation and other times will accept it and say that she nevertheless saw her earlier today. I elect to tell her the truth because otherwise she will start planning a trip to see her and demand that I take her there. That has worked as the better solution.

Whatever works in the moment and alleviates distress is good.

@rec3 that’s a tough situation and I sympathize with you but I’m not sure it would work with my wife all the time.

I worked in a memory care unit and our answers would be different almost for each individual patient depending upon their disease. If she thinks she is a child looking for her mother you could say something that would fit in with what really would happen with her mother when she was a child. Maybe she went shopping or she's at work. If something like that doesn't work we would say I don't remember right now I'll try and find out for you. And just keep repeating that. I wish you the best of luck. This is a very difficult thing to try and help somebody with.

In my situation I don't think it is a good idea to make up stories that are not true. If I told my husband that his parents were alive then he would want to go to see them. Then the problem would just grow bigger.

I am not saying that other caregivers should do the same. We all have to figure out what works the best for our loved ones. Our Alzheimer's patients can be at different stages of the disease, can have different personalities and can react to communication completely differently.

I feel compassion for all of us who are on this difficult road. Like all of you I never thought I would be in this heartbreaking situation.

That's so hard. We dealt with my in-laws having dementia and gave different answers each time or ignored it.
At the end my husband was taking care of his mom (who only had it near the very end) she called my husband different names all the time.
To my father in-law I was "the lady".....
It was harder when having to explain that my mother in-law died first, my FIL had to have it explained several times and daily too until he passed away 11 days later!

@hapascanb My great uncle had it right after his sister, my grandmother. He was from the South and one of his jobs was opening the gate for the cows. Every day at the same time he would say he had to go and open the gate. We tried everything. His wife was a charge nurse at one time, for a huge hospital in the Bay area. She had gotten to the point that she was loosing her patience with him. I could not fault her, but it sure made me appreciate my own dear mother and her way of working with my grandmother. It's not easy, especially when they get agitated. Blessings on all caregivers 💕

@tunared, I moved your question to the Caregivers: Dementia group where I believe you had intended to post this discussion. I'm also tagging @bill2001 @IndianaScott who you mention in your first post to see if they have thoughts to add.

Dan, it's wearing when your efforts receive an angry reply and suspicion. I know that you know that this is the disease and her frustrations, but it is hard. I know that. Is your wife still asking about her mother or has she moved on to a different question? Have you found a response that calms and helps to deflect from her being frustrated?

Sending a virtual shoulder to lean on for a minute when you need it.

Sometimes you can try to redirect the conversation by asking questions about the person your LO is looking for. e.g.
I’m sure you'd like to talk to your mother !
What do you remember about her ?
What did she like to cook ? What songs, movies, TV shows did she like ? Who were her friends, neighbours ?
Then , using any responses, change the topic to food, entertainment, other people, etc.
May not work……but worth a try.
Wishing you courage and strength !