How do you respond when your spouse keeps asking where her mother is?

@tunared Hi, Dan. I’ll try to answer your question from what I learned and in my job as a nurse. We were always told to talk with the patient as though we were in the same time zone. You can answer your wife as though she is completely lucid. “Wife (your spouse’s name), remember when we talked about this yesterday? You asked where your mother was… Let’s talk again. I told you that your mother had died about 10 years ago, and you agreed with me. Your mom was very old and she died because she was old and very tired.” . If your wife answers, join her in the conversation, but bring the conversation back to today. Ask her what worries her today. You can say, “ we had a very nice funeral/service and you were able to say goodbye to her.” Just go slowly and always speak the truth. She’ll be upset but will soon forget. Let her know that you’ll be there to take care of her.
No need for you to do it this way. Just do it the same way every time and encourage your son to do the same.
I hope this was a little bit helpful. Becky

@becsbuddy

Maybe your suggestion might work for some but I would never say remember when we talked about something yesterday to my husband who has Alzheimer's. That would make him feel even worse that he could not remember the conversation.

@tunared Hi, Dan. I’ll try to answer your question from what I learned and in my job as a nurse. We were always told to talk with the patient as though we were in the same time zone. You can answer your wife as though she is completely lucid. “Wife (your spouse’s name), remember when we talked about this yesterday? You asked where your mother was… Let’s talk again. I told you that your mother had died about 10 years ago, and you agreed with me. Your mom was very old and she died because she was old and very tired.” . If your wife answers, join her in the conversation, but bring the conversation back to today. Ask her what worries her today. You can say, “ we had a very nice funeral/service and you were able to say goodbye to her.” Just go slowly and always speak the truth. She’ll be upset but will soon forget. Let her know that you’ll be there to take care of her.
No need for you to do it this way. Just do it the same way every time and encourage your son to do the same.
I hope this was a little bit helpful. Becky

@becsbuddy

Maybe your suggestion might work for some but I would never say remember when we talked about something yesterday to my husband who has Alzheimer's. That would make him feel even worse that he could not remember the conversation.

I’m no expert, but when a person who has dementia is worried, anxious or agitated, your options are doing whatever it takes to help soothe or comfort them. There are no definite right answers. What works for some may not work for others. Usually, experts say to not disagree or try to correct them. Personally, I found no problem saying whatever was required in the moment.

For a period of time my cousin would get very worried and anxious for reasons she could not articulate. To address this, when I would arrive at Memory Care, I’d bring balloons, favorite snacks, gifts, etc. telling her that I had taken care of the problem and all had been resolved in her favor. She seemed relieved and we celebrated together having ice cream and other treats. She would soon forget all about the celebration of course, but it was good for her for a little while. Later her worries returned. Medication did help.

Whatever you say will be forgotten, so it doesn’t really matter what is said. Comforting in the moment is what I focused on. Giving true facts over and over seemed cruel to me, because it’s repeated pain and trauma that serves no purpose. Usually, something works like the loved one is in rehab to exercise their knee, on vacation, out of town……can’t call cause their phone is being fixed. They will come soon to visit. The reality of the matter holds little value. No answer, including the truth may appease a person with dementia. So, getting into their world and saying what works is a good option, based on my experience and what I’ve read over the years.

I think one issue about caring for a person with dementia is the prospect that there is no way to make them understand and accept information. They have brain circuiting problems that prevent the information from being properly processed. So, they are often not able to be happy, content or at peace. That’s why medication is often required to treat their emotional pain. It’s no less important from treating physical pain. Every person that I know who has had dementia has taken meds for anxiety and depression. Even with meds and loving caregivers, there may still be mental anguish. It’s difficult to discover we can’t help the situation. I hope you find something that helps though. I’ll look forward to seeing how things go.

I’m no expert, but when a person who has dementia is worried, anxious or agitated, your options are doing whatever it takes to help soothe or comfort them. There are no definite right answers. What works for some may not work for others. Usually, experts say to not disagree or try to correct them. Personally, I found no problem saying whatever was required in the moment.

For a period of time my cousin would get very worried and anxious for reasons she could not articulate. To address this, when I would arrive at Memory Care, I’d bring balloons, favorite snacks, gifts, etc. telling her that I had taken care of the problem and all had been resolved in her favor. She seemed relieved and we celebrated together having ice cream and other treats. She would soon forget all about the celebration of course, but it was good for her for a little while. Later her worries returned. Medication did help.

Whatever you say will be forgotten, so it doesn’t really matter what is said. Comforting in the moment is what I focused on. Giving true facts over and over seemed cruel to me, because it’s repeated pain and trauma that serves no purpose. Usually, something works like the loved one is in rehab to exercise their knee, on vacation, out of town……can’t call cause their phone is being fixed. They will come soon to visit. The reality of the matter holds little value. No answer, including the truth may appease a person with dementia. So, getting into their world and saying what works is a good option, based on my experience and what I’ve read over the years.

I think one issue about caring for a person with dementia is the prospect that there is no way to make them understand and accept information. They have brain circuiting problems that prevent the information from being properly processed. So, they are often not able to be happy, content or at peace. That’s why medication is often required to treat their emotional pain. It’s no less important from treating physical pain. Every person that I know who has had dementia has taken meds for anxiety and depression. Even with meds and loving caregivers, there may still be mental anguish. It’s difficult to discover we can’t help the situation. I hope you find something that helps though. I’ll look forward to seeing how things go.

@celia16 none of what you have said helps me. the situation is different when the patient is your partner/closest friend/soul mate of over 50 years. but thanks for responding