How about a laugh, (hopefully)

Posted by Leonard @jakedduck1, Dec 31, 2018

I believe laughter is the best medicine. Laughter has actually been scientifically proven to help people with depression issues.
Let’s give it a try so we can all get happy and feel better. Many Epilepsy forums I’ve been on had joke sections. I was probably the biggest joke of all since I didn’t get a lot of the jokes. They said the jokes couldn’t be above 4th grade level for me to understand them so my jokes may be rather simplistic but let’s give it a try.
Have a lovely day everyone,
Jake

I find it helps to organize household chores into categories,
1 Things I won’t do now
2 Things I won’t do later
3 Things I will never do

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@jakedduck1

Not exactly a belly laugh but…….

A man wants a pet

A man wants a pet. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .

Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.

The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containing a centipede.

Man: “A centipede, really?”
Clerk: “Yes, trust me”
Man: “Sold!”

The man takes his new pet back home and immediately starts giving orders.

Man: “I am going to go cook in the kitchen. I would like you to clean this entire living room. Make it spic and span.”

After the man finished cooking and eating, he returns to his living in the most well-kept state it has ever been. Dusting, organizing, and everything in between was taken care of. He is amazed.

Man: “Okay, that was really cool. Now I want you to do the same for the kitchen”

After relaxing on the couch, he checks on the kitchen to find it in a perfect state of cleanliness as well. He just couldn’t believe how amazing this centipede was.

One Sunday morning, he tasks the centipede to go out and get the newspaper. The centipede steps outside to fetch it.

10 minutes go by…
30 minutes…
1 hour…

Impatient and confused, the man steps outside to see the centipede still at the front of the door with no newspaper

Man: “Where’s my newspaper?! It’s been an hour!!”
Centipede: “I AM STILL PUTTING MY SHOES ON!!!”

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@jakeduck
A hearty chuckle from me…
a chuckle, a laugh, a tall giraffe just brightens my day in the best possible way.
I just made that up!

FL Mary

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@jakedduck1

Not exactly a belly laugh but…….

A man wants a pet

A man wants a pet. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .

Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.

The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containing a centipede.

Man: “A centipede, really?”
Clerk: “Yes, trust me”
Man: “Sold!”

The man takes his new pet back home and immediately starts giving orders.

Man: “I am going to go cook in the kitchen. I would like you to clean this entire living room. Make it spic and span.”

After the man finished cooking and eating, he returns to his living in the most well-kept state it has ever been. Dusting, organizing, and everything in between was taken care of. He is amazed.

Man: “Okay, that was really cool. Now I want you to do the same for the kitchen”

After relaxing on the couch, he checks on the kitchen to find it in a perfect state of cleanliness as well. He just couldn’t believe how amazing this centipede was.

One Sunday morning, he tasks the centipede to go out and get the newspaper. The centipede steps outside to fetch it.

10 minutes go by…
30 minutes…
1 hour…

Impatient and confused, the man steps outside to see the centipede still at the front of the door with no newspaper

Man: “Where’s my newspaper?! It’s been an hour!!”
Centipede: “I AM STILL PUTTING MY SHOES ON!!!”

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@jakedduck1 Glad you’re back!!

Liked by Leonard

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Well, I'm new here, so I don't have the time to go through all 15 pages. I hope hard of hearing jokes are OK, and I hope this one hasn't made it in the thread yet.

A guy goes to the ENT and gets new, state-of-the-art, hearing aids. They are a real breakthrough in technology and cost a small fortune.

He goes back to the ENT a week later to get them adjusted and the doc asks him, "How do you like them?"

The patient answers, "They're great, I can hear every word everybody says!"

So the doc continues, "I'll bet your family is excited about this too."

The patient responds, "I haven't told them yet, but I've changed my will three times."

Bob

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As I have been reminded, I have been remiss in keeping up with this page. Here is an entry for today:
Two city workers stood looking up at the top of a flagpole. A woman came out of the fabric shop and asked them what they were doing. The responded that they were ordered to find out the height of the flagpole but the did not have a ladder. The woman took charge and told one of them to hand her a wrench from their toolbox. Then she removed the bolts from the bottom of the flagpole, laid it down, helped herself to the tape measure from the toolbox and measured the length of the flagpole. "Forty-nine feet, six inches" she reported, handing them the wrench, bolts and tape measure.
The city workers looked after her shaking their heads. Then one of them said, "Isn't that just like a woman, you ask for the height and they give you the length!"

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@2011panc

As I have been reminded, I have been remiss in keeping up with this page. Here is an entry for today:
Two city workers stood looking up at the top of a flagpole. A woman came out of the fabric shop and asked them what they were doing. The responded that they were ordered to find out the height of the flagpole but the did not have a ladder. The woman took charge and told one of them to hand her a wrench from their toolbox. Then she removed the bolts from the bottom of the flagpole, laid it down, helped herself to the tape measure from the toolbox and measured the length of the flagpole. "Forty-nine feet, six inches" she reported, handing them the wrench, bolts and tape measure.
The city workers looked after her shaking their heads. Then one of them said, "Isn't that just like a woman, you ask for the height and they give you the length!"

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Thank you for sharing that, it was really funny!

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@2011panc

As I have been reminded, I have been remiss in keeping up with this page. Here is an entry for today:
Two city workers stood looking up at the top of a flagpole. A woman came out of the fabric shop and asked them what they were doing. The responded that they were ordered to find out the height of the flagpole but the did not have a ladder. The woman took charge and told one of them to hand her a wrench from their toolbox. Then she removed the bolts from the bottom of the flagpole, laid it down, helped herself to the tape measure from the toolbox and measured the length of the flagpole. "Forty-nine feet, six inches" she reported, handing them the wrench, bolts and tape measure.
The city workers looked after her shaking their heads. Then one of them said, "Isn't that just like a woman, you ask for the height and they give you the length!"

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@2011panc
Hey 2011,
Welcome back here. We really appreciate your contributions. I have been remiss too.
Jake

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Couldn’t agree with you more about laughter!! I USED to be a very funny person, and while I sort of still am, it’s hard to focus on laughter when the entire world is so serious!! (Bc laughter is so much better shared). It’s truly taken for granted, in spite of it’s amazing healing powers

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A city worker, came home with a caution ford his wife, who refused to wear underwear. Apparently a new ordinance had been passed directly addressing her situation:
ORDINANCE #34-A12: All manholes must be covered.

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Today I saw a Billy goat; we had a little laugh
He said he was quite hungry; so he nibbled on my scarf
I said, "Why have you done that?"; and he answered with a bleat
"I had a hat for breakfast; so the set is now complete."

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I had so much fun with my children while they were growing up. My youngest liked to be surprised so obliged. Our house has two flights of stairs and a landing between floors. One night I after I sent him off to bed I sneaked up the first flight until I was even with where he was on the second flight. When I popped up and started talking to him he was startled and yelled out. We both collapsed in laughter. My other child and husband came running to see what all the commotion was and left shaking their heads. Too bad! Their loss! We were having a great time.

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@2011panc

Today I saw a Billy goat; we had a little laugh
He said he was quite hungry; so he nibbled on my scarf
I said, "Why have you done that?"; and he answered with a bleat
"I had a hat for breakfast; so the set is now complete."

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@2011panc Thanks for the jokes. After our Thanksgiving meal we have a talent show and I'm doing jokes this year. You have some good ones since we have children in our group

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@2011panc

I had so much fun with my children while they were growing up. My youngest liked to be surprised so obliged. Our house has two flights of stairs and a landing between floors. One night I after I sent him off to bed I sneaked up the first flight until I was even with where he was on the second flight. When I popped up and started talking to him he was startled and yelled out. We both collapsed in laughter. My other child and husband came running to see what all the commotion was and left shaking their heads. Too bad! Their loss! We were having a great time.

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@2011panc You and your son sound like me and my son. When he was in HS I sort of choked a couple of times so he took to coming up behind me and putting his arms around me in a mock Heimlich maneuver, all the time saying “she’s choking, she’s choking”. My husband would be yelling for us to stop, that someone was going to get hurt! We would end up collapsing on the floor laughing.
He had wanted us to jazz up the mother-son dance at his wedding but now with my fractured femur I told him I thought that was going to be impossible. He said that we would still make it good, that he would just have to eliminate the part where he was planning to throw me in the air! He keeps me laughing.
JK

Liked by 2011panc

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@contentandwell

@2011panc You and your son sound like me and my son. When he was in HS I sort of choked a couple of times so he took to coming up behind me and putting his arms around me in a mock Heimlich maneuver, all the time saying “she’s choking, she’s choking”. My husband would be yelling for us to stop, that someone was going to get hurt! We would end up collapsing on the floor laughing.
He had wanted us to jazz up the mother-son dance at his wedding but now with my fractured femur I told him I thought that was going to be impossible. He said that we would still make it good, that he would just have to eliminate the part where he was planning to throw me in the air! He keeps me laughing.
JK

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@contentandwell Children are the best, aren't they! Once when we were on vacation we found a sticky animal that you could throw at a smooth surface and watch it ooze down. My oldest and I were having a great time with it in our lunch booth next to the window . . . embarrassing my husband at the same time. "People are watching!" He hissed. That just made us laugh harder. Of course they were! It's lovely to see people enjoying themselves.

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Little Johnny had a terrible problem with cursing. His mother had done everything she could think of to make him stop, from scolding to washing out his mouth with soap. (By The Way: Dawn dish soap really dries your mouth out!) One Saturday she sent him to the market for crackers and cheese. On the way home he was not paying attention and fell into a puddle on the road. "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!" He exclaimed, just as the priest was walking by. "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" The priest demanded. Little Johnny was not only foul-mouthed, he was very quick witted. He responded, "Cheese and crackers, got all muddy!"

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